Monday, November 18, 2013

Another Tale of My Romantic Exploits, You're Welcome

You can tell I'm pretty content with life because I rarely post anymore. I'm very prolific if I have a lot of shit to work through. I guess that's a good thing, right?

It doesn't help I acquired a Tumblr account, so that's kind of my main blogging site now. No, you're not getting the URL unless you already have it.

I'm supposed to be doing work, but it's slow going, and I'm unmotivated to do what is on my list. I was being very productive earlier, and then we got like 10 million calls and it threw off my groove.

I've been busy, doing things, not doing things, getting things done. The usual. Work's going really well, I'm just not...very good at self-motivation, and the things I do are kind of tedious. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not very helpful for wanting to get work done.

I've learned something about myself recently, by the way. A number of things, actually. Like, I'm not allowed to drink by myself because it makes me feel ill, and also I don't like gin as much as I thought I did. Well, let me rephrase that, I only like gin in certain drinks and if it's not in those drinks it's terrible.  I also am not in any kind of need of a romantic relationship at this point in my life.

That was a jump wasn't it? Take your time and let the change of subject sink in if you need to.

Over the summer I moved to a new place with new roommates, and all is well with them. We're down to just three of us now, two guys and me. They're both very friendly, very nice guys. I feel comfortable sharing a house with them.

Apparently I felt comfortable enough to try exploring romantic entanglements with one of them.  It was short-lived, as most of my explorations into this particular aspect of life are. We hung out more and kissed a bit for a few days. Nothing crazy. Had dinner once.

And as we sat at a table in a hookah bar two towns over, and he freaked out over telling our mutual roommate and his best friend that we're trying out dating one another, it occurred to me that if he's not willing to tell someone who would be directly affected if anything happened between us because he happens to live in the same house as us, then what else would he be unwilling to say something about if it came up? Would I be left in the dark about important things a lot? Was this usual for him? After saying something about it to our roommate when the other one was gone to get food or something, idk, it didn't seem like that was common. But what if I was something to be kept secret?

I'm not exactly fond of that idea, as it turns out.

So I took a couple of days for myself, thinking the matter over, coming to my own conclusions -- while at the same time attempting to stay away from over-thinking it. And I actually did a really good job. I kept it rational and level-headed. I looked at the situation from both my perspective and from an outside perspective, and I tried to keep his side out of the way, because I don't know how he would react; I haven't really known him that long. And in the end, I have to make a decision that's going to be best for me. And I think I've finally done it. It helped that he took it really well when I talked it over with him, and he wasn't upset or anything. That was very rewarding.

And it occurred to me, after it was done and over with, that there was this giant weight lifted off of me from it. All I had to do was come to the conclusion that a romantic entanglement is not something I need nor desire in my life right now. And you know what, freedom is kind of nice. The freedom to stare longingly at an attractive man from across a crowded room and then look away quickly if he in any way turns towards my general direction, the freedom to contemplate what a relationship with a celebrity would be like, the freedom to explore the world around me without a romantic haze on everything.

Do you know how hard it is to look at things with a romantic haze on? It's like when your glasses fog up after opening the oven to get a batch of cookies out. You need to reach into the dark scary hot thing for the delicious prize, but you can't see anything because your glasses were too cold and now are all opaque, and you giggle because it's funny and it always happens but you still want the cookies, you just can't see them and...

Where was I going with that?  Oh who cares.

The point is, I'm not ready. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know what I want, and I want to take some time and explore that. The problem is that I automatically assume exclusive, even when it's super early. And I need to step away from that, realize that I have some wiggle room in today's society. And that I can be whatever I am as long as I figure out what that is first.

Thanks for going on this journey with me today. Hopefully I won't be ages and ages before your next update, but I make no promises.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Update on my life

Well look at me go, typing out a blog post.

I would apologize for not updating here more, but then it occurs to me that this is my blog and I don't have to care what other people think about it. It's a nice realization to come to.

Been on a weird roller coaster recently, as far as emotional states go. Frankly, it's kind of obnoxious because this is unscheduled emotional roller coaster time, and therefore I have not been prepared. Luckily, it seems to be evening out.

So, I want to tell you all about this guy I met recently.

It was about two weeks ago or so that I went to a party with my roommates.  They're really awesome guys, my roommates. They let me tag along with them to places they go on weekends, and I think that's really swell. If I went more places I would invite them along with me. But alas, tis not so.

Anyway, so I went to this party and everyone, they were kind of-- no wait, that's a Kate Nash song. "We Get On" I believe.  Moving on, I didn't know anyone but my two roommates, but that was cool because I was for whatever reason just really chill that night, being all relaxed like a normal person around new people I didn't know. It helped that we were the first people to arrive and I got to already be part of the action before the action really started.  That's very reassuring for me. I haven't missed anything and I'm not jumping in the middle of something I wasn't already a part of. And everyone was really nice, including me into conversations and I was able to be my snarky little self what with my side commentary mostly under my breath about things I think are silly in the conversation, and people liked it!

It was a nice change from what I've accustomed myself to, when I'm in public. I don't know why I let myself hang around with people who didn't appreciate my presence for so long, and it's been a journey to letting myself open up faster with people, but it's going well I think.

So I was having a good time, I was a little tipsy, and there was this really funny guy, who also happened to be really cute, and we totally got along.  Now, I have come to the understanding with myself that I don't really have "sexual attraction" to people, and I've also come to realize that I just really don't like kissing people. It's gotten to the point where I can't even watch kisses on tv and in movies. It makes me cringe and I get all these weird sense-memories of kisses I've had and it makes my skin crawl a bit. I don't like it, and it's absolutely and completely fine that I don't like it, because it's no one's business but my own. However, other people don't always understand this, and so sometimes I have to explain it to them -- especially if we're both drunkies and they want to kiss me (which hasn't happened very often, so it was a new situation that I feel like I handled very well).

Anyway, he was funny and friendly, and we ended up leaning on one another for balance -- well, I was leaning on him, he didn't seem to mind though, so I'm not going to freak out about it.

We met up the next night to watch a movie in my living room -- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, if you must know. And he didn't try any funny business! It's a fucking miracle! At the party we'd discussed that I was not interested in ANY sex WHATSOEVER, and he was just like, "that's totally cool, we can hang out as friends and if anything happens, romantically, it happens. If it doesn't, then we're friends and all is well." Which is something I feel is very difficult to get from guys.

We haven't talked much since, but I've been busy and only bothered trying to text him first once, and he mentioned something about being swamped at work, so I get it. I don't feel pressured to try and keep his interest, if he wants to hang out, he can let me know. I don't really do anything anyway, and if I'm busy, I've gotten much better at saying no to things I can't actually do, or don't want to do.  It's progress!

And then of course, the creeping crud that's been going around my family caught up to me, and I wasn't feeling very good last week, which was not at all helped by my sudden drop into self-pity and moroseness, but I'm apparently feeling better now. I'm definitely in need of a grand adventure, but I don't think any wizard or madman in a blue box is going to come take me on one, so I might just have to get out there and do adventuring on my own.  It can't be too difficult, right?

Until Next Time, Dear Readers!

Friday, September 20, 2013


Okay, so in case you were unaware, I recently moved into a house full of guys.  Like two months ago-recently.  And so far, with about 2/3 of the male population in the house I get along fine.

There's this one though.  Holy shit.  I don't know what it is about him that just rubs me the fucking wrong way but it might be the fact that he deals with household issues like a fucking girl.

Let me backup a little.

This guy is the son of my landlords. Well, grandson of the landlady.  Step-grandson of the landlady.  Whatever, he's related to the people who own the fucking house.

He's also not paying any rent. Oh sure, he pays his portion of the utilities, that's fine, but we have 4 people in the house, why am I having to pay 1/3 of the rent?  (Okay, so it's ridiculously cheap, fine, whatever, it's the principle of the matter, you have four people in a house, living there, all four of them should be paying for the fucking house.) Oh right, because he's related to the landowners.

He also has an adorable puppy.  The puppy does not always stay at the house.  Sometimes he does, but for the most part so far he hasn't been living here. He's been staying at the landowners' house.  It's worked out well because the damn dog (like most other puppies) cries when Problem Roommate is not there. (We'll call him MM for Most Mature in a very sarcastic voice.) The puppy, because he is such a clever little puppy, can get out of the house and into the yard if some of the doors aren't shut all of the way.

The puppy isn't very well-trained yet.  He's still just a baby.  The yard is not fenced in.  The house sits about 20 yards from a moderately busy road.

So obviously, we need to be very careful about closing doors when he's here.  Okay, fine, no problem.

Except 2 problems.

1) MM does not let us know when the damn puppy is in the damn house.
2) MM blames everyone else for his puppy getting out, even if everyone else closes the fucking doors behind them.

I think you're starting to come around to the point.

Now, okay, I don't have a problem with him asserting that we need to be better about closing the doors all of the time, because it's dangerous for little puppies.  We've already had one puppy casualty, we don't want another one.

But when you're first reaction to your dog getting out the first time he's been in this particular house in weeks while we haven't had to deal with him is to threaten to put locks only you can open on all of the doors, and have us work around your schedule, then I have a problem.

Especially when both of us know that I was the last one out of the house other than MM. Especially when I know I closed the damn door behind me as hard as I could because I saw the dog in the fucking hallway as I was trying to get out the door and go to fucking work.  Especially when I know he's ALWAYS the last one out of the house, because the rest of us get up early and go to work or school and have very busy schedules.  Especially when it very well could have been your fucking fault your dog got out and you're just too dim to notice. Especially when, even if I was the one to let him out, not only did you NOT come to me in person and talk it out, but that you sent a mass text message to all inhabitants of the house "not pointing fingers or getting angry" when very obviously you were or you wouldn't have threatened with house arrest because your dog is a clever dumbass.

I really thought I'd gotten away from drama when I moved into this house filled with guys.  I was apparently mistaken.

JFC, I cannot handle this right now.  I'm angry and hormonal, and I want to fucking stab a bitch, but that would be messy and I've got a lot of blood in my life right now already, let's not add to that.

He picked the wrong day to get passive aggressive at me, she typed, passive aggressively in her blog.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Friday, August 30, 2013


Sorry I don't update here more often.  My life hasn't exactly been very busy or exciting, so there really hasn't been much to write about, but I'm going to give you a recap of the past month or so (how long has it been since I updated?)

I had a rough summer.  I struggled pretty hard with things I have struggled with for a while: self-harm being chief amongst those, as well as some fairly dark thoughts.  I've gotten to a better place with them, but I'm still working with them.

I've got a secure, comfortable job with a future.  And the flexibility to go back to school if I feel like it. And if I do go back to school, I'm pretty much certain I'll be going in for massage therapy. Just to get certified, because frankly, that would be a fucking awesome skill to have under my belt and be certified for.

I'm getting more comfortable with myself.  It's been an intense growing process, and I've still got a long way to go, but I think the fact that I'm as comfortable with myself as I am right now, and it's only going to go up from here, is a huge plus.  I'm miles ahead of so many other, older women who so severely dislike themselves, women I've looked up to my entire life, and that I am so far along in my journey of loving myself as I ought to, that it's just incredible for me.

And again, I don't like myself all THAT much.  Which should tell you something about the female role models I've had in my life.

I don't know, guys...I'm struggling to figure out where I stand in the universe.  I don't like not knowing, but I know so many people go decades, maybe even an entire lifetime before they know where they stand.  Maybe they never find it.  And I don't like that.  I can't see myself doing that.  I just have this overwhelming need to know where I stand in the world, what my purpose is -- my purpose, not the entire human race, no one needs to know that -- and that tends to be the one thing I focus most of my thoughts on.  Especially recently, because I have managed to somehow get to a place in my life where I have no interest in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.

Let me reiterate that because it's kind of a big deal: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.  This isn't to say I don't occasionally (often) want a romantic relationship in my life.  I would LOVE that kind of comfort and security (because that's what relationships are to me, they are comfortable, loving, secure, safe, because I'm not alone anymore).  However, this is the first time in my life there hasn't been a specific face attached to those feelings.  Completely and totally.  And this is, again, a big deal.  I tend to obsess.  I tend to fixate and hold on with the tightest grip I can manage to one guy.  And it never gets me fucking anywhere.

And now, now I am working on being comfortable with me, and feeling safe and comfortable and secure on my own.  And maybe one day I'll be able to let someone else in, in a healthy, loving, comfortable way.  But I don't need it right now.  I might never need it.  And that, my dear friends, is perfectly okay.

Because it's now that I can figure out how to have a relationship with someone where there is no romantic connotations, no sexual feelings (which might never happen on my part towards a person anyway), just a healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex.

And okay, so I'm not looking anymore.  And it might happen anyway.  Do you know how many rat's asses I give about that? None! Because if it's going to happen it's going to happen! It's not up to me! But this is a time of learning and growth, of finding myself and getting to a place that is healthy for me.

I keep using the word healthy, but that's because that's what I need in my life.  I need to be healthy, I need to have healthy, non-toxic relationships.  I'm not.  I'm not healthy.  I have a very unhealthy relationship with myself, and it's slowly getting better, and it will take some time, but I think I can get there, and I think I will get there sooner, rather than later, as long as I don't have any huge setbacks.  Which I really don't think I will.

*knocks on wood*

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Friday, August 16, 2013


I haven't been on here a lot recently, and I apologize for that.

My life has been swallowed by tumblr.  I'm not sorry for that, because it has let me open up about myself in ways I cannot here.  The only reason I cannot open up here like that is because I have family who might be seeing this, and I'm still unsure as to the welcome I would receive with a lot of my opinions.  And if nothing else I want to be accepted by someone.  And if I have to change the way I am perceived around certain groups of people to do so, I am apparently not above that.

And Tumblr is one of the places I can be myself.  Because no one there is anyone I know personally.  Well okay, so I know one or two people personally, but one of them is my BFF ever,  GL, and the other one...well I'm not entirely sure he ever knew who I was anyway.  But my parents wouldn't understand, my sister doesn't understand, the rest of my family wouldn't understand...and that upsets me to no end.

And I dislike that I'm not like this around those people because it makes me feel duplicitous.  It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life when I cannot express how I really feel about a subject on a "public" forum where people I know can see my world views because most of them would be opposed to it.

I hope this makes sense, I've been drunk for a while and I"m not entirely sure I make any sense any more.

I took ten minutes to figure out how to spell duplicitous.  on google.  How fucking crazy is that?

I just...I just wish I were as open in the real world as I am on my private "anonymous" blog.

I have to remember that people are going to judge me whatever I do.  And none of it is any of my cause.  They can judge as they wish, that's their problem, not mine.

I wish I weren't as messed up as I am.  I wish I didn't have as many issues as I really do.  Because it would make it so much easier to ignore what people say about certain things if I wasn't directly affected by them...

I'm sorry guys, I just...I'm drunk.
Until Next Time,

Friday, July 19, 2013

Post-move Blog Post. (what?)

I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster.  Or at least make it slow down, because it's starting to make me slightly nauseas.

I'm working on moving on with my life, though.  It's slow going, but it's going and it's going in the right direction, which is all I ever asked for, really. 

The project I'm working on at work is kind of stressing me out, but whatever.  At least I have my A/C unit installed in my new place, and almost all of my roommates have moved in.  There's still one more to go, and it's still 3x more testosterone than I'm used to dealing with, but it'll be okay.  There is one other girl moving in, so at least I have an estrogen buddy.

Though frankly I think I'm really going to get on with the two main roommates I'll have, who both happen to be male.  One of them is Buddhist, the other is an entity I only have very little information on.  Regardless, I think it's going to be very peaceful.  Or at least, less dramatic than living with other girls.

Girls are crazy.

I'm working on the whole "eating" thing while I'm there.  I haven't been doing so good.  I haven't gotten a chance to go to the grocery store (read: I haven't gone to the grocery store) since before I moved, so I'm kind of on the tail-end of what I had, and none of it is things I want.  Also my microwave has been living in my backseat because I'm too lazy to move it in and try and find it a home on the counter. 

But at least there is light in the bathroom now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Life-Hangovers, Etc.

It's what I'm going to call the feeling when you've just been around too many people for too fucking long and you're tired and exhausted and irritable for no goddamn reason.  My limit is about 7 days with more than 5 other people.  Well, apparently, anyway.

So I'm taking today off and not doing a DAMN thing.  I'm just kind of over socialization.  I really need to eat soon though, but I have no snacking foods in the general vicinity of my bed, and my current (soon-to-be-former) roommates are moving in their new roommate into the extra bedroom.  I don't want to leave because they're in front of my door.  It's awkward and uncomfortable for me.  However, I haven't had anything to eat since lunch yesterday at about 12:30 or so, and I've done kind of a lot, so I know I need to eat, but I can wait.

I will be moving soon, however.  I've been really slacking in my packing up of my shit.  I need to be out of here by the end of the month, and I'm super psyched about my new place, but at the same time...It's just so much WORK.  And I don't really want to do it.

But the sooner I move, the sooner I can be in my new bed I bought yesterday.  It's another futon, but it's WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY better quality than the one I have been using, and also I got a new mattress too, so I'm just going to be sleeping on unicorn farts and marshmallow pillows.  Don't mind me!

I was going to try and write other things, but that's pretty much all I got for you.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

So Yeah

It's been a while, and apparently I just feel like writing tonight.

Lucky you guys.

My computer is fixed (yay!).  I'm moving in a month (yay?).  Work is kind of stressful (yay...).

And I'm kind of really annoyed and upset and confused and conflicted and a lot of other very unhappy-like emotions.

But I'm not sad.  Which is weird.  Mostly angry feelings.  Which is fine.  Could be worse.  I'd rather be angry-upset than sad-upset.  Likely less crying and FAR more exciting ways to get rid of the negative energy.

It's  been a long week and it's only Wednesday.  My weekend was ballin' though.  Hung out with my main girl GL.  Oh! And my maid of honor dress came in today (I'm super excited!!!!!!!  You really don't have any idea exactly how excited I am about it).

But work has been kind of stressful.  Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like it's difficult, it's just that there's a lot hinging on me doing well, and that's really nerve-wracking.

Although, my mindset has been more positive recently than it has EVER been, so that's been kind of a plus side to this whole situation.

And I'm avoiding conflict again.  Which is something I need to not be doing, but I'm going to do it right now anyway, because I REALLY should not be answering any emails right now.  Actually I probably should get to bed.  I do have work in the morning, and I really don't want Dad to get upset with me about being late.

But I just...I needed to put this out here I guess.  And so here it is.

I just really don't want to answer this person right now.  I don't know that I have anything to say on the matter.  Everything I've felt I already expressed.  It's done and over with.  I've forgiven the parties involved.  Doesn't mean I'm not still annoyed that things played out the way they did, but I can't change any of it, and there was no way I could have controlled it at the time either.  They control their reactions, and I can only control mine.

And right now I'm not answering that email.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

A Quick Update

I'm currently without a working computer anywhere but work.  I should probably be doing that, but apparently I cannot focus today.

Luckily my parents don't read this.  Even though sometimes I wish they would.

But, yes.  Not a week after dragging my phone through the river in a mostly waterproof box except for the part where we didn't make sure it was closed all of the way, I spilled soda all on the one side of my laptop computer.  Luckily it was the side without the motherboard.  I'll be taking it to a place locally to get it (hopefully) fixed.  The computer works fine, it's the keyboard that's shit right now.  The keys don't "stick" as such, but they weren't working.  So there's that.

And my iPhone is still on the rice.  We're just going to leave it there for a week (we finally go the back off of it and are just letting it drain some more.  There was apparently still water in there.  Which sucks. I'm pretty sure it's just the screen.  It was the last time I tried to use it, but with the water still in there and the fact that I can't leave shit alone, it may have fucked something else up.  I'm not sure.

So I've been using an old android we had from the last wave of phone upgrades.  Thank god my dad is an electronics hoarder.

My mind is running a blank.  I guess I'll do some actual work now.

Until Next Time (whenever that is)

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Okay, Fine, A Rant It Is...

Look, I'm fine with people having a different opinion than myself.  In fact, I encourage it, because it leads to interesting debate and diversity of thought and growth among our society.

But if you're trying to make a goddamn point, please use a method that doesn't tear down others.  Satire is fine, but remember that it's satire and not an insult-comedy night.  Not that I have anything against insult-comedy, but there are some places it shouldn't be used.  Like in a serious issue.

I just...It irritates me when I see people misuse satire.  Because I'm a fan.  I'm a big fan if it's done right. I'm not saying I'm proficient in it by any means, but sarcasm and irony have always held a spot close to my heart, and Satire brings eloquent words into the mix.  And you know me and words.  If you have a big enough vocabulary, you could probably get me to do just about anything.

But Satire is not the base mocking of a person and their beliefs.  Which is what I see labeled as satire mostly these days.  It's just not.  That is insult comedy and is fun for cheap laughs at a dive bar, but not a media in which you should be expressing your opinion if you wish to be taken seriously by anyone outside of your opinion.

I've never understood the draw behind political cartoons.  I really don't.  I get that other people like them and think they are a funny, eloquent way of expressing a disdain for a particular belief or side of an issue.

However, what they say to me is that it's okay to mock others openly, just because you don't agree with what someone else thinks.  And I don't think that's right or fair.  Because no matter which side it comes from, it is offensive, and someone's going to get their knickers in a twist, retaliate, and then the original side who came out with the cartoon will get offended right back.

Where is the fucking sense in that?  No, no one's going to get along all of the time, but for Fuck's Sake, people, can't we try and have an adult conversation about our beliefs without it degenerating into name calling and vicious mocking?  Please?

Are we not all adults here?  Because the last time I checked, I think all of us are.  We just never act like it.

Again, satire is fine, the expression of differing beliefs is fine.

Outright mockery and debasement and plain irreverence for something another person holds dear to themselves as you hold dear to yourself is not.

Remember that the people on the other side of the argument probably have pretty good reasons for being there -- just like you have pretty good reasons for being on your side of the argument.

Now, because I understand not everyone is going to feel this way, have at.  Run me through.  I dare you.

Might even laugh, who knows.  But for GODS SAKE, please just use your WORDS.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Monday, May 27, 2013

Wine Stakeout

Been putting off updating for a while.  Had a couple good topics, but they ended up not going many places, so I never actually followed through.

I'm addicted to Restaurant Stakeout.  I've caught it a couple times at work, and I can't help but just watch.  It's like a trainwreck that ends well.  You watch these people just fail miserably at customer service, something I've always held myself to a high standard about so it really just rubs my buttons the wrong direction when I see it done wrong.  (Note: I don't actually notice if it's directed at myself being the customer, but I absolutely notice if I'm serving, or if I'm watching someone else get poor service).  And it's just...ahgh...

Since I don't have cable connected to the TV in my room (and, honestly, don't really want it), I'm watching it on YouTube.  Which is, like, my favorite thing ever, YouTube is.  You can find anything you need.

I'm waiting to hear back from my first choice as far as a new job goes.  I've been lazy and haven't been going out and searching for any other jobs, but that's going to change.

I need to cut my fringe and dye my hair again.  The blonde is coming back and the brown is starting to fade.  I've got another box, I'm just not motivated right now.  Honestly, I need a whole damn haircut, but I'm mildly terrified of doing it myself, but I'm trying to be good and save my money so I'm not going to go and get it done just yet.  (although, $20 bucks isn't that much, and that includes tip)

I need new glasses, too.  Rather, new lenses.  These will hold out for a little while, but still.

There's your update on my life.  It's short, but...well, there's just not really a whole lot going on right now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Adult, Big-girl Decisions.

I made one today.

I gave my two-weeks notice at the hotel I work at.

Reasons why I'm quitting (in case anyone cares)***

-- Too much misinformation.  A good example: what I left this evening.  I was told via email from the GM that I was to show up this evening for bar shift.  Fine, no big deal.  This was Thursday.  He had three days to correct me.  I came in this evening (not really wanting to, obviously, as I've been over this whole thing for, like, months) only to find out I wasn't even on the schedule for tonight, and therefore superfluous.  Which brings me to my next bullet point.

-- Perceived under-appreciation.  I only say perceived because honestly, I have no gage to compare this job to.  But frankly, I feel like I'm worked harder than a lot of other people are, for a lot less time, and a lot less money.  And I'm never told if I'm doing a good job.  I'm only ever told I'm doing something wrong, and that's after I've been doing it wrong.  Again, segueing into my next bullet point.

-- Lack of communication that's never resolved.  I've brought it up with the management several times more than I think I should have to, and it's obviously a problem they know about (as they've flat out told me a couple times).  No one talks to one another.

-- Inconsistent hours/Unclear schedules.  I'm not asking for a set weekly schedule, I'm not even asking for full time (well, not at the time, anyway, I will be now), but it would be nice if I knew how long I was going to be at this place, or what day I could expect to be there.  Or even if they would honor the fact that I would like a specific day off.  But they don't.  I understand sometimes they can't, but when the day I've asked for off isn't a) busy or b) a day someone else couldn't take/I'm not needed for, I start wondering if maybe they just don't fucking care.

-- Lack of acceptance by my coworkers.  I've been there for almost two years.  I don't hang out with or know the people I work with outside of work.  Oh, they all know each other and hang out with each other (I hear there's a day they all go out for a drink together if they can, but damned if I know what day it is).  But I'm not invited.  I've only JUST started making "friends" with people.  Which mostly means they're friendlier to me than some of the other people I work with.

-- The hotel doesn't work as a team.  It's more like a bunch of different teams working for the same cause.  No one helps anyone else out.  If it's not on someone's checklist, they don't do it -- even if it needs to be done and they're the only one around who can take care of it.  There have been several times where I've done something that wasn't my duty because I saw it needed doing.  Hell, I'll even let people know I've done it.  But no one else that I can see does that.

-- I never felt as if I were working for the company.  I was always only working for the people directly above me.  I'm one of those people who just does as they're told.  I'm told it's a marketable skill.  But I'll be honest, the only thing that's kept me coming back these past few months has been the customers.  They're the bright point in my day when I work there.  They're the ones I enjoy being nice to.  And considering I trolled before I started working, I was honestly expecting to have more hellish customers than I ever did.

-- While the managers at the hotel are lovely people, just really great, nice, friendly, personable - they are not good management.  They don't take care of problems in the staff, they don't handle the schedule, they just don't take care of things the way I was led to believe managers were supposed to be able to take care of things.

-- And the end-all-be-all is that this isn't the field I want to be in, long-term.  I want to be a bartender.  We don't have a full bar.  Can you see why this might be a problem for me?

I'm just done.  I'm so over all of this.

And if Dominos doesn't stop putting a fucking ranch container in my chicken wings when I SPECIFICALLY CLICK NO RANCH (I even pick a completely different sauce), I'm going to have to fucking complain.

Nope, said something in the comments section online.  We're good now.  I'll probably never hear back from them.

Ugh, I'm just...I'm so done.

Until next time, dear readers.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Crossroads and Turnstiles

I could have written song titles for an emo band.  They never hired me because they didn't know I was amazing.

Friday started out as a not so good day.  As I'm sure you all are aware.  Because that was the last time I updated my blog.  It didn't exactly start getting any better after I signed off, either.

I never got a call back from the mall Lost and Found, which is fine, because whoever took those things probably needed them.  Good for them.  I'm glad I could help.

I did manage to pull off a C in Microeconomics, which was good.  But I'll be honest, I was really dreading the marathon work weekend that was ahead of me at that time.

Let me break down my schedule for you, so you understand my mindset going into this past weekend.

I had work at 5:30pm on Friday.  I worked until 11.  Then I got to go home and sleep until 5:30am on Saturday, so I could go BACK INTO WORK at 6:30am.  I worked there until 12.  I got back home and then left again to be BACK AT WORK at 5:30pm Saturday night where I worked until 11, then had to drive ALL THE WAY HOME to get the fuck to sleep so I could get BACK TO WORK at 6:30am Sunday morning.  I worked 22 hours this weekend.  And if you're counting, that gave me about  17 hours to sleep and I'll tell you what, I didn't use all of them for sleeping.  Because ain't no way I was getting a proper nap during the afternoon hours.

So on my way to work on Friday, I was admittedly a little stressed out, very angry still about the whole lost-and-found ordeal, and frankly I'm fed up with the job that made me work 22 hours on the weekend after exams before I graduate AFTER I TOLD THEM I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO WORK ON THIS SOCIAL LIFE I'M ACCRUING.

So I yelled, and I screamed, and I raged, and I knew my emotions weren't blown out of proportion because I'd just eaten and usually that will quell most of the angry feelings I have.


And it suddenly hit me, not long after that paragraph, that I had, in a great rage of anger, called myself wonderful, and fantastic, and that, no, they absolutely do not deserve the fact that I work for them.  Because I am fucking amazing, and they don't appreciate it.  I was supposed to get a raise after my first year.  I got $0.25 cents more per hour.  I am not earning as much per hour as other people who have been there for a shorter amount of time.  I've worked at this job for almost 2 years now.  I know I'm not there day-in-and-day-out like other people, but my god, I am constantly smiling at the customer, even if they're pissing me off, or my co-workers are pissing me off.  And other people at this place will openly roll their eyes, talk about unrelated things in front of the customers, will disrespect the customers, will cut up in front of the customers, will not try to be nice to the customers, and I do.  In fact, the customers are the HIGHLIGHT of my day at work.

Which is not said very often AT ALL.  In fact, usually people complain about customers.  But I'm like, no the customers are the reason you have a fucking job, please be grateful they are even deigning to stand in front of you with your sassy, know-it-all attitude and your thinly-veiled contempt for the very air they are breathing.

And I'm only exaggerating a little bit on the part of my coworkers.

But the point here is that, usually, when I'm upset, and angry and even if it's not my fault that I'm upset or angry, or if there is nothing in my power to change anything I've done, I put myself down.  I tear into myself and I make myself feel like absolute shit.

And I didn't.  I didn't do that.  In fact, I built myself up, and I realized I'm not a shitty human being.  And I have NEVER done this before.  This is a breakthrough in that whole "love yourself and you can love others more" thing.

I recently confessed to a small group of people that I had managed to convince myself that very few people genuinely liked me.  Every single time I tell people this, they give me a funny look.  And intellectually I knew I was wrong.  I knew it couldn't be true.  Didn't mean I didn't believe it, though.

And yeah, okay, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not a social pariah.  People do genuinely like me and want to hang out with me.  And that is frankly fucking amazing.

I don't know you guys.  It's been three days and I STILL think I'm bloody fantastic, it hasn't gone away or been over-powered by doubts and anxiety.  I'm not sure what to do with all of this information here.

But I want you all to know that I appreciate that you've stuck with me through my very slow process of believing I'm not complete shit.  If you're out there, reading this, and think something is wrong with you, or think that no one likes you, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and that I will tell you you are wrong, and that I like you.  I think you're amazing, and wonderful, and I don't care if you don't believe me because I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

Thanks for being here for me.  I was almost going to say I didn't know what I would have done without you, but at the same time, I realize I probably would have kept updating anyway, because this shit is cathartic for me.  Writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and anxieties and worries and troubles and then just putting them out there, for someone, anyone to stumble across one day, that's what keeps me writing.  I've never kept up with any kind of journal or diary (or blog) like I've kept up with this, and it's mostly because I can't put anything as private.  All of it goes out into the world.  Every single word I write.  And it's amazing.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Friday, May 10, 2013

I Really Just Want To Cry Right Now

I'm so pissed off and frustrated.

Let me explain.

No, it's too long, let me sum up.

I bought a wallet, 3 Mother's Day cards and 2 packs of note cards yesterday.  I left the bag in the bathroom before I left.  I remembered I'd left it there 2 hours after the mall had closed.  I came back this morning, mall management didn't have it in their lost and found, the sent me to Hallmark where I'd gotten the cards.  Hallmark didn't have it, they sent me to maintenance.  I didn't know where maintenance was.  I checked back in at the mall management lost and found, they said if Maintenance had it, it would be there.

I spent $45 dollars yesterday and now I have nothing to show for it, and I'm pissed off because no one knows who would have it, and none of them have it anyway. And I had all of my Mother's Day cards done.  I was done, I didn't have to do anything but personalize them and if someone took the bag and didn't turn it in anywhere, I mean, I hope they like all that shit I bought for them because I certainly did.

I mean, who fucking does that anyway.  I understand, like, change on the floor, or barrettes and bobby pins, or, like, little things like that, if you didn't turn them in.  But a whole fucking bag of someone's purchases.

I better get a call from the mall lost and found today or I might throw a fit.

All this on top of me feeling like shit this morning (seriously, if I didn't have as strong of a gag suppression system as I do...), the fact that I'm not going to get more than maybe 11 hours of sleep over the next two days, I'm stressed over graduation going well because my whole fucking family is coming in to see it and they're gonna be pissed because they have no choice but to be in an auxiliary room.

And I still can't make anyone happy.  Not even myself.  I just...
I just want to cry, but I can't because I'm at fucking school in an attempt to finish all of my microeconomics tests before the end of today (or before 5:30 because that's when I start my marathon work weekend).

I'm just tired and angry and frustrated and I want the whole world to just end.

Until Next Time,

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Sometimes I Hate Being a Woman

No, this isn't about menstrual cycles or hormones or dresses and make up or anything like that.

I am a stereotypical woman with my car.  I don't drive well, I can't park, and I certainly don't know how my car actually works.

(Magic is still the winning option so far.)

And the kicker is that I have a used car with quite a good number of miles on it.  And very little money to get what I needed done on it done.

I'm part of the lucky contingent of 1st-world people whose parents still help them out with things like healthcare and car maintenance.  Mostly because they're friends with our mechanic, and not myself.  (Not that he's not friendly, just that, well, he's a male authority figure and I'm terrified of authority figures as a general rule).

Anyway, so I have a light come on in my car today, and I'm behind on getting my oil changed, and my exhaust pipe needs to get replaced, and a lot of other things, so I'm like, a little freaked out, but at the same time, I'm kind of like, it came on, and went back off again.  It can't be that serious.  So I get to where I was headed, and luckily there's a Sears here with an automotive center and I'm like, cool, I probably just need oil, I'll get some there and refill it.

And then I look up what the light means on google and I start freaking the fuck out.

It's not a serious light unless it stays on while you drive, but it's not one of those lights you can just ignore, either, like the "Change oil soon" light or the "Washer Fluid" light.  And so I'm like, mildly panicking because I cannot handle this right now, I have a lot of shit happening all at once and when I get busy, I get really stressed out because I cannot handle not having time to do things.  I just can't.  I'm absolute shit at not having any time for relaxation, or plans changing, or emergencies.  I always plan for that kind of time, and this next week is not gong to allow for that at all.

So I'm a little stressed out, as you can imagine.  And my study buddy comes in and she's like "no, it's just a warning, we'll get you some oil in your car and everything will be fine." and it helps a whole bunch, and then I go out and make sure I actually need oil, and it turns out I do and that's what the problem is, and I just need to relax because I'm not going to die, nothing's gone wrong yet, and I still have plenty of time to screw things up.

But I wish I wouldn't panic every time this kind of thing happens to me.  I wish I had the ability to just be like, Okay, no here's how we handle this situation, get a move on, everything's going to be fine.  Like the men I know in my life.

But in reality, I understand very few guys these days even know how cars work (magic? voodoo? praying to gods unknown?  Transformers, robots in disguise?) and so I'm likely to be left even more confused and worried than reassured and confident that things will be fixed.

Ah well.

Until next time, dear readers

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Look at you lucky people!

Two days in a row I post something.  I'm on FIRE.

Haha, or waiting for that study buddy again.  She's nice, but we're still new to each other, and it comes across loud and clear sometimes in the way we attempt to navigate social protocols, etc.

Well, she navigates them and I flounder uselessly at the surface until I remember how similar situations are handled in movies and television.  They wouldn't be in the media if they weren't based on something in reality, right?


Okay, so I wanted to actually mention something that I probably touched on yesterday (about new crush SZ who I Facebook stalked today and so now he's going to be ZD for Zazzy Dude because I'm awesome).  And I don't explain things very well, but I want to try.

What first drew me to him was a) he's super freakin' attractive.  Face shape is symmetrical, he's got huge shoulders and arms, but he's not lacking in other areas, fitness wise. He's not tall, but he's not shorter than I am, so we're good on that front.  b) he's smart.  He's a business major, he wears glasses sometimes, but he usually wears contacts because apparently he's about as blind if not more blind than I am (why do I consistently find really attractive men who cannot see?), he does some nerdy things, but he likes sports too.  He's tidier than other guys and willing to help with housework.

And here's the kicker.  On Sunday, there was a big shindig for the group I hang out with (I've mentioned it a couple times, it's where I know him from, even though we really haven't hung out much, all I've told you is all I've learned about him while we were hanging out).  Lots of people.  More than half of which I did not know.  And if you know anything about me, you know that I am really not very good at these types of events.  Luckily I had a buddy, who I'm going to call MM for Marvelous Miss.  (I'm gonna need to do an name update post if I keep meeting people!)  We both are not large fans of lots of people in small spaces.  Which is what happened at this party/cookout thing.  So we kind of migrated to the emptier of the rooms as the night went on, alternately planning a drinking night for after exams and complaining that no one was leaving.

We're not very good at parties, but where was I going with this?  Oh yes, so we'd step outside, we'd head upstairs to her room, we'd be in the kitchen for, like, ever, we even went to the basement and folded clothes because there was just no where else to go where you weren't shoved into awkward social situations with people you have very little in common with except a vague belief in a deity with varying levels of intensity of that belief.

But at one point, after about half of the extra people had left and there was a little more room to breathe, and the life-sized jenga had been put away, we wandered into the foyer to pass ZD his folded clothes, and then MM goes back into the kitchen and I'm watching them put away the jenga set and ZD turns to me and we've been exchanging smiles and extended looks for a couple weeks now, but he says "Where'd you go? You disappeared."

I played it off like the cool person I am (which involved hunched shoulders and a sheepish grin as I awkwardly made a joke about my innate camouflage ability I made up on the spot), but I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

That has never happened before at a party.  NEVER.  EVER.  I've even TRIED.  I'll step off without telling anyone I've left and come back and no one was the wiser.

I hadn't even really spoken to ZD all night and he NOTICED I WAS GONE.

And this isn't even mentioning the fact that last week he hadn't been at the group thing (not unusual, busy guy, what with the fraternity and business classes, etc.) (I also wasn't terribly upset about it because I ended up crying because I cannot handle the world right now, and it's been really stressful for the past little while because I want everyone to be happy and I can't actually do that, but the point is that I wouldn't have wanted him to have seen that, because I don't cry pretty) but he came back before I left (like, five to ten minutes before) and BioGuy (Do you even remember him?  He's gonna be GJ For Good Job because that's all he can really do is a Good Job.  not a great one, not an awesome one, just a good one.  he's adorable and I've officially/unofficially declared him to be my younger brother so that he can be KW's honorary older brother and I have someone who will be able to help her out if I'm more than five to ten minutes away from campus) had just left to go sleep or eat or watch television or talk to his girlfriend or something, and so I was on my way out the door, and ZD and I are still in the kitchen and he kind of wanders over to the door as I'm walking out and I still feel kind of shitty but I've gotten past the stage where I can't hide it so I can hide it and I don't look terrible anymore (not good, but not bad either), and as I'm stepping through the door, he goes "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't here tonight" and I was just like, he didn't say that to anyone else, why is he telling me?  What?  and I, again, play it off like the cool person I am and I say "No problem, next time, right?" and it occurs to me later than he maybe wanted to hang out with me more.

This was supported by his actions at the shindig which, when more people had left and it was pretty much just the people who live in the house plus me and three other people, (so...six of us I guess is the number I'm looking for), he hung out in the kitchen and chatted with me and MM.

And I don't know enough about him to know if that's how he acts with every girl, or not, but he just...

He's moving out of that house, but I don't know if he's graduating or not, and if he is I don't know if I'll ever see him anymore, and I'm like -- you couldn't have shown an interest in me BEFORE now?  REALLY?!?

I don't even know if he is showing an interest.  I'm just--

Why are guys so complicated?

Study buddy is still not here yet, so I'm gonna write some more, but I'm going to change the subject because you all really probably don't care about my crushes.

It's 3:14.  Time for pi.  Too bad I really don't want to work with circles or math.

Okay, I give up, I've sat here for like 2 minutes after writing that last sentence and I haven't thought of anything else to say.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

Monday, May 6, 2013

Monday, Rainy Monday

I'm waiting for my study buddy again.  She's at work, and I found one of the only free computers in the hall.  She'll be here shortly, but I'm lazy and don't want to get started on the work until she's here.

That's kind of been the theme of getting my work done this semester. I could, but I really don't want to unless I have to.

In other news, I have found a potential new crush -- We'll call him SZ because up until last night I wasn't entirely sure whether his first initial was S or Z.  It's Z, in case you were wondering. (They aren't even moderately similar names, it's kind of hilarious).

And I kind of feel like that awkward, nerdy teenager again (except for the teenager bit, not entirely off the mark), because I'm like, he's cute, and he pays me a little bit of attention, and we have interesting conversations, and I'm just like...You should like me, I'm cute, and I think you're cute, and you don't think I'm repulsive, and isn't that the basis for almost every relationship when you start out?  It makes me feel a little desperate, I'll be honest with you guys.

We'll see if I don't shoot this one down before it gets off the ground and go from there. 

Also, I met one of my future roommates.  He's a nice guy.  I don't think I'm going to be upset about this decision.  And he's ridiculously not either of my two types. So that's a good start.  None of that "fancying your roommate" nonsense I really don't need any part of.

I had a dream last night about Benedict Cumberbatch.  This doesn't usually happen, which is why you get to hear about it.  We were either running a con or we were in disguise for some other reason, but regardless, I knew he wasn't French, and I'm very obviously not French, and so we were practicing some French phrases so he could sound more convincing.  And we did, and I had no idea what he was saying, but I was responding with what little French I know, and I kept having to not say it in what little Spanish I know (It's hard because the little French and the little Spanish are all the same phrases).  And we were awesome, and in a museum and then I got a Cumberhug.  It was great.

(You're welcome to judge me for the use of Cumberhug.  And any other phrases I use involving the word Cumberbatch in any way, shape, or form.  Just don't let on that you're judging me for it, because that will just end up with me being really embarrassed and completely shunning you for the rest of the day)

And it was refreshing not to dream about children or babies or anything like that.  That it happened to be a celebrity I crush on intermittently was an extra plus.  I really don't do that.

Or if I do, it's the kind of dreams I don't get to remember.  Which is most of them.

Study buddy will be a while.  Which is fine.

What else to tell you guys about....

It's dawning on me that if I just put myself out there, I won't always get shot down and forgotten about.  Surprisingly, people actually like me.  Which I find to be completely strange and weird, but I'm definitely not against, mind, it's just...for whatever reason I find it unusual.  I mean, I know the reason I find it unusual, but it doesn't make me feel it any less. 

I's difficult when you expect people to just not think about you, and to not notice you.  Especially when for a very long time it wasn't exactly an unfounded expectation.  And it allowed me to convince myself that very few people actually liked me.  So I have made an effort to be as unassuming, unoffensive, and totally friendly as I possibly can when I interact with people, because maybe I could change that they don't like me.  And I guess it's worked, but it's worked to such an extent that I can also let myself relax a little and become a little snarkier and a little bitchier (not a lot, I'm not a mean person) and just be myself around people and they like that even more, and I'm just sitting here like, would that really have been so easy if I'd just done it from the start?

And I'm starting to realize it would have been. 

And that's kind of a big revelation for me.  Apparently people just like me and it's WEIRD.  And I'm just trying to wrap my head around it and it doesn't always work, but it's starting to, and I don't want to keep saying it, because I feel like I'll sound conceited, but mostly it's just so I'll start to believe that it's actually happening.

I don't know, you guys.  I may have stepped into the twilight zone a bit.  But if the twilight zone is like this, I really don't mind it and I'm gonna start looking for real estate if it keeps up.

Thanks for letting me ramble at you.  I still can't quite believe more than just GL reads this, but it's true and I appreciate every single one of you.  I really do.


Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Same day, different post

Okay, so actually I wasn't done...Well, I was, but with that particular stream of consciousness.

I'm bored, in other words, and need something to do that isn't reading a story that will inevitably make me cry because I am in public and that shit just don't fly with me.

I could write some more of one of my stories, but let's face it, I'm not going to.

I forgot to mention something in my earlier blog, and it's kind of a big deal.

My roommates' dog, Rufus, was put down today.  He started having seizures at about 5:30 yesterday evening. None of us knew what was going on at first, but they took him to the vet at around 6 or so.  Probably didn't get there until 6:30.  He didn't respond to the treatment at the vet, so they took him to the Virginia Tech animal hospital.  They left him there overnight at around 10:30.

At 7:30 this morning, they learned that he'd actually gotten worse, going into cardiac arrest with continued seizures whenever they let him breathe on his own.  So they decided to put him down.

And yeah, he was an annoying dog who whined at all hours of the night and day, and whenever the fuck he wanted.  But he was sweet, and otherwise a good dog.  And it was obviously very scary for him.  He was young too.

We're guessing he ate something toxic when he ran off yesterday.  He was only gone for 15 minutes, but dogs eat things they're not supposed to much faster than that all of the time.  We're not sure what it was, or why it wasn't able to leave his system.  But obviously it did a lot of damage to his little body in the time he'd ingested it.

And that's how my day started.

I mean, it's not exactly been a terrible day, but it's never fun when you wake up to someone crying because their dog died.

So there's that.

And of course, I've still got those strange baby/child/taking care of people dreams going on, and I'd had one or three last night, which is why you got to hear about it today.  (Hear, read, same thing)

And I just...I want to make things better for everyone, and I'm (for whatever reason) still having to learn that I cannot do this.  It is not physically possible for me to make everything okay for everyone.  I would explode before I was able to make that even moderately possible.

And it doesn't make it suck any less, realizing this.

Ugh, this is not a happy day.  Not a bad day, mind, but not happy.

Sorry y'all

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

So it's Wednesday.

I've got a place to live (I think I already mentioned this last time).  The people who are to be my landlords (aristocracy? landaristocracy? am I a serf? or just a squatter who pays? I've confused myself) are wonderful and it helps I already know them.  I'm meeting with them tomorrow to see the place and meet the fellows who are going to be my roommates (okay, that second half might only be a possibility.  at the very least I'll be seeing the place.  I trust R and S though, and I know they take great pride in the house).

I've been having really weird dreams about kids recently.  Weird in that kids feature and that I'm taking care of them.  I've been serving a very motherly, comforting role in my dreams recently is what I'm trying to get at here.  And it's strange because that doesn't normally happen.  Like, I rarely dream about babies, or people who need me to hug and comfort them, and when I do, normally I'm not actually helpful and the baby/toddler/other person isn't actually comforted and sometimes gets worse.

It's also strange because I'm really not in a place to have kids, or be taking care of kids.  I don't even have any prospects yet for a potential boyfriend because I don't really want one right now and I have a very negative view towards men who are interested in me or whom I am interested in.  And I'm also pretty damn sure I'm under some sort of definition of asexual, because while I have a sex-drive (sorry if that's TMI, but you're still reading, so I don't actually care), I've never been aroused by a person before. I mean, I've said things that I think people have interpreted me to have been sexually aroused, or stimulated by certain human beings, but I've never...

I've only ever felt that way when I read naughty fan fiction, and sometimes even then, only when there are very detailed descriptions of the way they feel. Sex to me is very emotional, I don't think I could actually perform if I were with someone I didn't trust implicitly.

So maybe it's not that I'm wanting kids with a particular person (though if I got to choose anyone in the entire world, I'd pick Benedict Cumberbatch because he would love the everliving FUCK out of those children, seriously the man needs all the children because he wants them so bad), but that my biological clock has kicked in and because I'm 21 and this is what happens in my family (documented evidence, check my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY) I want kids because, boom, hormones.

Isn't there a way to get rid of all of my hormones?  Like, they just cause so much trouble, what with that "womanly time" and then sex, and wanting kids, and then, oh hey, so you're done with being in your sexual prime, now you get to have fucking menopause.  Like who even thought this shit up?  It's too much trouble.

I don't know.  If you're new here and this is the first post you see from me, I'm almost sorry, but this is what I do.  I complain about my biological functions and my emotions because this is my diary and you get to have an all access pass because why the fuck not.

I'd say it's a sign, but I really don't want it to be.  No thank you, subconscious/dreams.  I'm not ready. Keep your wants to yourself, thanks.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Life Decisions and Bad Days

I'm having them.

I've finally got a place to stay for the next however long they'll keep me.  I'm excited.  Actually, I am, despite my lack of emphatic punctuation.  I'm not...Not in the mood to express my excitement.

I'm self medicating for the mood with ice cream (Half-Baked from Ben and Jerry's and actually it's FroYo because I make good decisions when I'm not paying attention) and Sprite splashed with vodka.  Considering last night, that last bit might be a bad decision but I'm beyond caring right now.

Also Coupling is the background theme of the night.  I'm planning on attempting to do my  nails tonight too.  I'll possibly blog a bit more tonight too.

I don't know...I'm just...I'm in this position in my life where I either need to quit this breakfast job or I need to be admitted into an insane asylum because it's driving me up the wall.

Since I know my parents don't read this, I'm going to confess that I didn't go into work this morning like I was supposed to.  I called in sick because I woke up at 4:30 and was still too drunk to drive.  So yeah, didn't go to work.  And frankly, it probably would have made everything worse.

Because last night was bad.  It ended badly.  I started chronicling it just now, but I've decided you all don't need to know the gory details.

And so I drank last night, and I honestly thought I wouldn't be drunk by the time I needed to be awake, but I was wrong.  And so I called in sick.

But I end up not wanting to go to work almost all the time these days.

And frankly, I'm getting all of these signals (read: everyone is telling me outright) that I need to quit this damn morning job.  I love the bar, I would prefer it if we served more than beer and wine, but I do love it.  And the evening people are far nicer than the morning people.  And frankly, I prefer inebriated people.  Not completely trashed, somewhere between intoxicated and drunk is the best.  Breakfast, however, has never been one of my favorite meals, ever.  And people before noon are not happy as a general rule.

And recently things have just been going downhill.  And I need to just make time to meet the GM and talk to him about just working bar or leaving because I cannot do breakfast anymore.  And everyone has been telling me this stuff for ages.

Sorry, watching TV and blogging do not mix actually.  I'm kind of ADD right now.

Anyway...I'm going to work on my nails...

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

Wednesday, April 24, 2013


I'm waiting for my study buddy to show up and procrastinating on actually starting the studying process without her, also not writing the story I'm currently working on.

I was, but then I decided I actually wanted to write a blog post.

Not sure what I wanted to say though.  I'm mostly just fishing for distractions at this point.

I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday.  Which is good.  I mean, I still don't have a for sure place to live next year, and I'm kind of annoyed with where I work (not as bad as usual, just a vague annoyance mostly to do with the training thing again.  I won't go into it because it's fine, and it's no longer an issue, but I swear, if they'd just tell me all of the information at first, I'd do it.  I promise I would).  But my general outlook today is fairly positive.  I certainly won't be holding my breath for anything, but I figure it will all work out in the end regardless of what the outcome actually is.  Que Sera Sera, etc.

I wanted to expand on a partial theme of yesterday, about my hypochondria and asexuality.  And also on the topic of asexuality.

I am a huge hypochondriac.  I'm just aware that I am. Which may end up being a problem if there is actually something wrong with me.  But it's also why I've self-diagnosed a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional issues.  Because I'm not entirely sure I haven't just exaggerated what I really feel, or because I know the symptoms of several of them I haven't made a false diagnosis.  And I'm certainly not paying money for someone to tell me I'm wrong.  I do that any time I make a bet.  I mean, I'm pretty sure there's nothing actually wrong with me, but sometimes it's nice to have a word for what I'm feeling, no matter the inaccuracy of that word.  Does that make any sense?  I also sometimes will cause myself to have symptoms of things, because I know what they are.  My brain works in over drive and, well, long story short (too late) I can actually have a symptom of something, post learning about it, or the way I think about the way I do things or react to things will be looked at in the light of the new information.  Which makes me question whether or not I really felt it before, or if I've made it all up.

Anyway, so onto the topic of asexuality, because it is actually related.  I read a LOT of Sherlock fan fiction, and in the course of doing so you learn that a lot of people are of the opinion that Sherlock Holmes (in the Arthur Conan Doyle canon, especially) is in fact asexual and that he and Watson have a romantic relationship, but not a physical one.  A bromance, if you will, but to the extreme.

In the course of learning this, on a whim Friday, I decided to browse the asexuality tag of Tumblr, in case I found a random Sherlock fic.  I knew, of course, that people do identify sexually as asexual (that's a sentence I'm sure you don't hear very often).  I mean, it makes sense.  And in the course of my browsing, I learned that asexuality is not as clear-cut as it sounds.  It's the same as bisexual.  Or homosexual, or heterosexual, or biromantic, bi curious, pansexual.  What I'm getting at is that there are a lot of ways for a person to like other people.  And asexual is just a broad term for something that a lot of people feel very similarly, but not necessarily the same.

Based on my very limited research (because I haven't yet gotten around to exploring AVEN, which I need to do because it came up A LOT in my perusing) I noticed that people were very passionate about their lack of sexual passion.  Because a surprising number of people claim that it's not a real sexual orientation.

But some people just don't feel sexually attracted to other people.  They can find them physically attractive, they can find them emotionally or mentally attractive.  Some people can become sexually aroused but not by other people, some of them even masturbate for other purposes than sexual arousal.

And that's just the short list.  There are other terms used in asexuality (not in it, per se, just...I can' vocabulary is not at the point I would like it to be to properly explain this, and I fully support you going out and doing your own research on the subject, as long as you don't spread hate or misinformation, because, guys, that's just not fucking cool, okay?) such as graysexual and demisexual and semisexual and there is a lot of cross over but the general thing is that it's not the same for every person, but at the same time, there are enough similarities that we can have these overarching terms, and that we can also be fairly certain that they are not straight, or gay, or bisexual in the sense that they are sexually attracted to another member of the human race based on gender or, well, sex.  Not to say that there aren't hetero-leaning asexuals, or bi-leaning graysexuals, or anything like that.  Because, again, it is not as clear cut as we would really prefer.  And most asexuals are not loners and they do actually want human contact, and they are interested in having meaningful relationships with other people.  Just not necessarily with a sexual aspect to it.

And I'll tell you what, I feel like I have enough similarities with these broad specifics (oxymoron, I know, I know.  But...that's what it is.  These are the broad topics in a very specific category) that I feel like I could be on the asexual spectrum.  Because I have not felt sexually attracted to people.  I've found them attractive, certainly.  But while I've expressed interest in seeing what sex is like, it's mostly in an experimental fashion, and I don't have enough interest in it that I would be willing to just go out and willy nilly hook up with someone.  Or do those sorts of activities with someone I didn't have an emotional attachment or relationship with.  And even still, it would be to see if I even enjoy it.  Because, frankly, I don't see the appeal.

Someone put it very well on Tumblr, relating it to cake. (please click the link.  The font is small, and the site is busy looking, but it just states this feeling so well and accurately)

I just...That's what I feel like.  And I wonder if I would have a better idea as to my sexuality if I'd had sex before.  But I just don't want to.  It doesn't appeal.

I don't know...More research needs to be done, but who knows when I'll get around to it.

Thanks for listening to me ramble, guys.  I appreciate it.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Charlie Brown Complex

I haz it.

If you don't understand what I mean (and it's fine, none of you actually live in my head and therefore would not likely know what I was talking about until I explained at least half of it), a Charlie Brown Complex is based off of one of the serial strips of Peanuts, wherein Charlie Brown states that he's afraid to feel happy about anything because every time he does, something goes wrong.

I have that.  However, it's not like it's totally unfounded.  As I'm sure you remember my post from last week (if not, it's just the next post back.  Should be fairly easy to find) I was very happy about many things in my life going very well.  Namely, having found a place to live so I didn't have to househunt anymore for next year.

As you can imagine based on the overarching theme of this post right here, this has fallen through rather spectacularly.  (Well, I say that, and I'm exaggerating a little.  In order for it to have fallen through spectacularly, something like an explosion or something equally as catastrophic and quite incredible would have had to happen.  But it kind of feels like the whole thing blew up in my face, so I'll continue using the word spectacularly)

I'm not going into the details because they aren't terribly important.  Main thing is that I'm not moving there after all.  I'm still not entirely sure where I'm going to be when this lease ends, and the uncertainty is killing me.

I mean, there's been an offer of a place, but frankly the uncertainty of the people offering it has left me less than confident about my chances, and I just can't afford to get my hopes up right now.  Because what goes up must come down and when I come down I come down HARD.  And it's not entirely pleasant, thanks very much.

I'm also running up against the end of the semester with very little of the required work done, and I need to fucking graduate this semester.  I'm quite behind and it's very stressful, but I only have myself to blame.  I could have had a lot more done if I'd just done it all.

So yeah...and I worry sometimes that my hypochondria affects me a lot more than I realize.  Like, life choices/decisions/etc. affects me.  And I really don't want it to.  Because I don't think I'm depressed, and I don't know if I'm somewhere on the asexual scale or not (there is a wide range of asexuality out there, and therefore I need to do research more thoroughly to make sure I'm not just latching onto the first thing I see that might maybe make sense).  I just...I'm struggling right now with a lot of things going on in my head, and the fact that I haven't had a day where I didn't do SHIT in a week and a half is wearing on me.  I've been going for two weeks without a day off.  14 days.  I'm not even joking.  Thirteen.  Fourteen.  I don't know.  Counting and Math are not my friends today.

And I just...I just...I'm going to get Thursday off and hopefully if GL schedule allows, I might go up and see her and do nothing with her for the day.

Ugh.  I don't know.  I need to...

Probably eat, but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to right now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So Hi!

I've been a really successful adult recently.  It's been very exciting and fulfilling for me.

I'm really making headway and I hope it keeps up.

But first, I would like to take a moment and send out good thoughts and feelings to those at my school who have been affected by the events of Friday, as well as those in Boston who were affected by the events of Monday, and those in the foreign countries who live with these kinds of acts of terrorism every single day of their lives.  It's been a really long, really stressful five days or so, and it's a shame that there even needs to be a mention of it, as it really just shouldn't happen at all.  That's all I'm saying because I'll get irreverent and start in on my black sense of humor as a way of coping with uncomfortable and upsetting topics, and no one wants that.

Now, on to the good parts (Do you like how I've set this up?  First all the sad depressing stuff, and now good things for me).  I made my first big-girl decision yesterday.  I looked at an apartment in Blacksburg, and quite honestly it's about the nicest place I've ever looked at, he was the only person to keep in contact with me after the first email, and honestly, it's the cheapest all around.  The landlady is going to be emailing me the application today and I'll be sending it in ASAP because this is too good an opportunity.  I can't even believe I got this lucky.  And the guy who will be my roommate is totally chill and pretty low key.  He's a Whovian so I imagine we'll get along pretty well.  He apparently has only a really shitty other option, which is an old friend from high school who has turned into an Eeyore/Charlie Brown type depressed person, and no one wants to be around that kind of negativity all of the time.  So it really works out well for both of us.

I have also started working Bar shift at the hotel I work at.  Which has been super fun and I really enjoy the evening people WAY more than the morning people.  It's slow as fuck all, but that's okay, because then there's very little I have to do.  I'm already really good at opening bottles and pouring beer and wine, and the only thing I'm having to really learn is making the food, but it's not even that difficult.  Everyone either orders a quesadilla or a burger, and honestly, those are fairly easy.  I'm just out of practice, but since I know where everything is in the kitchen (and how the Breakfast people like the kitchen to be kept) I think I'm going to quickly become a favorite.  I have required very little training.  The hardest part right now is remembering the specials, but even at that point, it's not terribly difficult.  Also, finding which wine I want because it's dark in the cabinet and it's all the way down near the floor, and so I have to, like, crouch down and hunt a little.  Not that it's unorganized, I just haven't quite got the order down enough to be able to figure out what is where yet.  But it's super easy and, again, the evening people are WAY easier to talk to and get along with than the morning people.  It helps I'm also being trained by people who speak actual english and not broken, heavily accented english.  And I'm likely not going to be left on my own for a super busy week or so.  Like I was with breakfast.

So I'm pretty psyched about this, because I've wanted to be a bartender since I was, like 12 or 14 (it varies with who I tell, but it was around then anyway), and while it's just beer and wine (and bar fare food, which I would never have to make myself at any other establishment), it's a step in the right direction, and I can only hope they start putting me on bar almost always and start taking me off of breakfast, because frankly, I'm tired of wasting my weekends, tired of having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to work with people who don't always understand me, and who I don't always understand, tired of finding out FAR too late that I've been doing something wrong for a very long time, because no one bothered to actually tell me when I started out, or when it changed, tired of being given two sets of information (because that's what REALLY happened there, and I'm not going into it because I'll start playing the blame game, and while they should have properly trained me and told me these things, I've been there for two years, and the english speaking component of the hotel assumed I knew what was going on because of that).  I'm just tired of it.  And the people are a lot less nice in the mornings.  Mostly because they haven't had coffee or food yet, and they've just woken up and let's be honest, no one likes being awake in the morning pre-food/coffee.

I'm also getting a start on making sure I pass my fucking classes this semester.  I feel kind of bad, because while the shooting on Friday was traumatic enough for them to put special grade solutions in place for the school, it's going to make doing all of this so much easier on me.  But at the same time, it's going to make it easier for everyone who doesn't...who doesn't feel as affected by the events as those people who were actually there.  I know I've got issues.  I've separated myself from the event both because I was not actually there and didn't really know anyone who was affected by the event, and because that's just how I've dealt with these things.  I feel sympathy for these people, I do, but I don't...I don't empathize with them as well as I feel like should be appropriate, which is why I'm sitting here writing this and not down at the support gathering.  I mean, they've told us (by they I mean the staff who told the teaching staff, one of whom told my statistics class this morning) that people process this stuff all sorts of different ways and it's okay to feel however you feel about the incident, whether it's really sad, really angry, or really not anything at all.  And that helps, but I don't always weirds me out when I think about how I just don't feel affected by it, because I feel like I should, because that would be socially acceptable.

Ah well, no use dwelling on something I can't actually change.  Pretending to feel something would be a lot worse, I think, than feeling nothing at all.

OH!  On a completely different note that is totally unrelated (though the previous sentence did spark the thought), I'm moving on.  Completely this time.  It has occurred to me that I have a self-destructive pattern of attraction to certain types of boys (not men, never men) and that I need to figure out who I am, what I need, before I can actually attempt the whole emotional attachment thing again.  I'm...I'm not bringing it up with the boy in question, because, again, I'm just not that much of a masochist.  But I thought you all should know.  Because I'm done.  I'm done with all of the bullshit and drama, and when I'm confident enough in myself and my feelings to do something about it, when it feels right, when I'm comfortable (or at least, not completely uncomfortable) in my skin, I will be ready.  But it is not that time yet, and it never will be if I keep hanging on to things I can't have.

So I'm moving on, growing up, becoming a successful adult, and maybe one day I'll be ready for all of that feelings nonsense again, but I'm not now, and I'm going to accept that, embrace it, and just be me.

I know I do this every couple of months or so, but I actually mean it this time you guys.  I'm going to do this.

You all are wonderful, and I appreciate that you still read my rambling, nonsensical, unorganized thoughts.  Thank you!

Until Next Time, Dear (dear, dear) Readers

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Forty-Two and other such nonsense

Hi guys.

You're gonna get spoiled, all these not-Wednesday posts I keep doing.

So yeah, hi.

I don't know what keeps you guys coming back.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful for it, certainly, but I just don't understand.

I'm not having the absolute best of days.  Don't get me wrong, it ended very well (well...prior to Roommate's dogs being fucking OBNOXIOUS with their incessant WHINING.  Seriously.  You'd think they were going to be left alone forever the way they carry on.), but it has not been a fantastic day.

I just...I fucked up at work.  And apparently I've been fucking up but no one bothered to let me know until today when they realized it was happening.  I honestly didn't know I was doing anything wrong, but because I was doing something wrong, a customer was unhappy, and me, being the people pleaser that I am (recovering? Haha, yeah THAT'S what we're calling it) was then put into the position of having EVERYONE upset with me.  And then I had to try and make it better without someone going home upset.

So guess who cried on her way home from work today?  Yeah...I mean, luckily it's been a while, but I just...

It's days like today where I go "Oh duh! That's why no one sticks around/wants me to stick around!"

And it's not a healthy attitude, no, but at the same time, I'm still crying in my car after work, and I just...

And I don't...I don't feel comfortable unloading on people because it eventually (inevitably) will deteriorate into me just mostly feeling sorry for myself.  And no one wants to listen to that when they have their own, much bigger, more important issues to deal with.

I mean, you guys only get it because I treat blogs and the internet like my diary.  Which possibly isn't technically safe, but I mean it is what it is.  Eso si que es.  (which is SOCKS, by the way.  Thank you internet).

But in all honesty, I keep my feelings stuffed under a rock in my subconscious until something disturbs the rock, (like today) and I end up just not being able to can anymore.  And I'd love to be able to stop, but that's just not how I work.  It's never been how I've worked.  I don't even think anything could fix the way I work.  And it's fine.  It is, until it isn't and then it's done, and gone, and I shove everything back under the rock (I'm going to call it the Rock of Self Loathing because that sounds super awesome, like some genre of music or band or something) and pretend like my inferiority complex isn't as large as it is, and that my paranoia and social anxieties are just made up, and that everything is going to be hunky-dory as long as I just don't move the Rock.

Again, not healthy, but hey, what can you do?  And, after all, I do end up making it out okay in the end.  I just...I apparently have abandonment issues I don't really address very often, and when I do it's in tears, after something bad happens that's completely unrelated, usually in the car.

Whatever, whatever, I do what I want.

I'm gonna go now.  This...wasn't the original plan for this post, but...well...

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear People Who Read This Blog

I'm warning you now, this is going to quickly degenerate into whinging about my love life or lack thereof, so if you're not wanting to view that, you can leave now.  The summation of it:  I'm not going to whine about it anymore.  But I have to get through my brain's reasons why first so I'm doing it here.  To those of you still with me, I'm sorry your day is so boring that you're reading this, but thanks for bearing with me anyway.

There's this one guy, and you all know him. He's the one I can't make up my mind about.  NT, for Not Totally, or Never Time, or ... or a lot of things.

And, in my post about my celebrity crushes (BORED), you might have noticed that I tend to quickly attach and hold on, emotionally, even when time and time again I'm just completely done with the whole endeavor and want to move on, I still hold on just that tiniest little bit on the hope that maybe-maybe-maybe, etc, adn. (Remember how I'm making that a thing?)

And then, with the tiniest little hope buoyed on occasion, I am attached again to the point of near-obsession.

And this is just how my brain works.  It's why I don't really attach all that often anymore.  It's not that I can't, it's that I won't because I'm still already attached to so many people and already getting beaten to the point of "what's the point of holding on to it anymore, there's no reason" and still holding on with my last little feeler.  Because that's what will happen and I've apparently reached my limit and I don't think I'll go attaching anymore until I get over some of what I still hold onto.

I'm not...I'm not sure if I'm going to let go of NT yet or not.  I still...there's still some hope.  And it's the hope that keeps me going.  And don't be worried, if there is no more hope, I will let go.  I've done it before, I promise you.  But until then I think I'll always hang on just a little bit.

But I think you guys need a little back story before you go thinking I'm a complete idiot for holding onto this modicum of hope for a boy I'm not entirely sure whether or not he actually likes me enough to try for more and not doing anything about it.  Because I'm not going to, no matter how much I should.

Because I have already.  And it's this part that counters the hope and is starting to wear away at my last feeler of promise (that maybe should be capitalized. It seems like a pretty important position.  The Last Feeler of Promise.  I'll make it a book title one day, just you wait).

I've known NT for years.  Years and years and years.  And maybe it really hasn't been quite that long, but it FEELS like it's been years and years and years.  And when I was fourteen and he was fifteen I thought he was the greatest, coolest, most handsome thing since sliced bread.  And I crushed HARD.  I crushed hard enough to finally get over my first crush ever (which was about 7 years too late, honestly).

But I was NEVER confident in my looks or my personality or anything. Never have been and never will be, and for some good reason.  No one stuck around, or thought I was worth the effort of befriending and keeping a hold of and maybe just maybe wanting to try dating.  As a true romantic at heart, this was devastating.

I mean, I was only still friends with the few I had because they sometimes let me hang out with them.  I didn't have many friends, either.  And they all left eventually.

Except for NT.  Who did leave, but we still talked.  We were great communicators.  Hours upon hours of chats I saved for far longer than I ought to.  And I liked him so much.  (Okay, still do, still do.  All the things I say about NT I do still feel, thanks very much.  They're just tempered a little because I've forced them down for a few years too long).

And I thought...I thought he maybe liked me too, but then he got a girlfriend and I don't know the whys and hows of it all, but I know he got a girlfriend, and that it wasn't me.  And then, a few months into their relationship, I finally got up the gumption to tell him I liked him (over iChat because I'm a coward, let's not mince words here).  And he was like "Oh, I'm flattered, but, I mean, I'm taken already."  And I was like, "Well, fuck, let's ignore it then."

And we did, quite well.  And then he broke up with his girlfriend not long afterwards, and I was like "yes, this is my chance.  Wait just long enough for him to be over her, but not yet in another relationship".

And then he dated one of my friends.  I mean, she and I weren't close, but I was like, "Are you kidding me right now?"  And I ignored my feelings a long while more, and it wasn't like we stopped talking while he had these girlfriends.  We spoke for HOURS.  Just back and forth, mostly about silly random things, but what else do you talk about with your friends?

And then the two of them broke up (and I might be skipping a second confession of feelings.  Mind these are about a year apart or so, so I don't...don't really remember or I do and I've blocked it out because you can only handle so much embarrassment and humiliation).

And we still talked a bunch, and it was great, and as soon as I thought I was making some actual headway in finally getting somewhere with this boy, he dates my then best friend, RF.  RF, who knew I liked him.  He chose her, not me.  And it broke my fucking heart.

But I was going to be the bigger person, I was going to still be his friend and her friend, and it was going to work out, is what I told myself when we still talked with the level of intimacy about one another as we did.  And yes, that does have something of a double meaning.

I was essentially helping him cheat with my best friend, and it took me a year to realize this.

He went away to college and RF and I finished our first year of high school.  And they were still together for her first year of college.

And we still sometimes chatted in that exceedingly intimate way (thinking about how old I was when these conversations happened makes me cringe a little.  Like, no, 15-17 year olds should NOT be talking about that kind of stuff.  but that's just because I'm older now).  And then I started putting my foot down.  This was sometime near when I met GL and we became friends.  2010(11?)ish.

And it took me a really long time, even after that, to completely cut off contact, because we were still being inappropriate for a boy and a girl when one of them is in a relationship, and he was still in a fucking relationship with my former best friend.  Like, really?

So I cut off all contact.  Defriended him on Facebook, "Lost" his number, never went on iChat again, that kind of thing.

And I kept it up for a whole fucking year (2011, definitely 2011).  I didn't stop thinking about him, or wondering about him the whole time, but I wasn't going to initiate contact again.  I couldn't do it a third (fourth?  I don't know, too many times) time.  I couldn't put myself through the emotional turmoil.

And when my thoughts went from angry and hurt, but still fond, to a little bitter, but willing to be friends again, I added him back on Facebook.

We still didn't speak anymore, but now I could see what he was up to, and he seemed pretty happy.  I wondered for like five months whether he and RF were still together (I'd defriended her too, because I just am not that masochistic), but I didn't initiate contact.  I was determined not to.

Then, in December, I went to a concert my sister's choir was putting on for Christmas (and other wintery holidays).  And afterwards she was like "Yeah, NT is here."  And my heart started pitterpattering against my ribcage and I was like "What, no, he can't be?!"  And she was like "Yeah, over there." And she pointed and told me where to look but I am short, and I was looking for a man I had not physically seen in over a year and a half.

And I found him almost immediately.  I made her come along to say hello because I couldn't make myself do it.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't have done anything.  I would have walked right on by, blushing with my heart pounding, and he never would have even known I was there.

But I took KW with me, and we walked up and I tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around and saw who I was his whole face lit up and he hugged me and, I'll let you in on something, blooger (Blogger, thanks...I'm leaving it in there because that was a hilarious typo and I almost didn't catch it.  You're welcome), he gives the BEST hugs.  Like, every time.

And then we caught up a little, and when I left I told him not to be a stranger.  And I was so glad I'd made an effort not to look like I'd had work that morning and was running on half an energy drink and hopes and dreams.

And then I broke my rule, a few days later, that rule where I do. Not. Initiate. Contact. Anymore.  I sent him a Facebook message, and because I am still all of 12 developmentally, I freaked out for like an hour before even composing it and for about 15 minutes before sending it, and then for the whole rest of the time after that before he replied.  I'm so dumb.  I swear.

And then he responded and we made arrangements for an outing.  And then we went on our outing.  Originally for coffee at a local coffee shop, but because I'm an idiot, I forgot to check their hours for the holiday season while all of the students are gone, so I get there and they're closed and I'm just like 'Of fucking course.  I try and make a good impression, try and get him to see what he's been missing by passing me up all this time, and I pick the one place in town that has delicious coffee and it's closed'.  But he was real good about it, he came and picked me up (because I'd walked because I could, because it was close) and we tried our next option, which was equally as closed, if not moreso.  And I was just like "I'm such an idiot" and he kept saying it was fine, but I really still don't think it was.  I should have been more prepared for these things.

So our third backup plan was we would try and find this Dunkin Donuts he'd been to the last time he was in town, and I was like "We have a Dunkin Donuts?"  but we found it in a gas station (which was fortunate because he apparently needed gas), and it wasn't shitty, and we took it back to my place because it was cold and there was no where to sit down any place convenient, and we sat on the couch-thing that is my bed (I have very little furniture, but it does convert into a couch-type-object to sit on) and watched Futurama and exchanged footrubs and backrubs because that's what I do for people I like. Friends, family, if you put yourself within reach of my hands, I will give you a foot rub or back rub.  He was just nice enough to return the favor (first time THAT's happened).  And I think I win but that's because I have magic hands.


What was the point?  Oh yeah, okay, so...I really like him, and he does things like the above and I feel like he likes me too.  We'll see each other when he's in town (sometimes), and it's always the same.  I can't believe no one can tell how fast my heart is beating, and he gives me the best hugs in the world, and then we leave and then nothing.

And I'm pretty sure at this point he just doesn't like me like that.  Which is fine, it's totally and completely fine.  But it sucks, because why is it I have to feel like this -- all this joy, elation, devastation, regret, pain, hurts, oh but it's so good -- when he pretends like I don't exist when I'm not in eyesight of him.  I mean, that's just what it feels like, I don't really know what he does or does not do, and I'm being very unfair, but it's because I'm hurt.  Which is no excuse, but other people get to use it, so why shouldn't I?

And I just...I want him to like me, I do.  But I don't think he does (no matter WHAT KW thinks she sees...she's equally romantic but she's wrong).  And I need to start accepting that I can't have him like that and we can be friends, and friends are fine.  Friends is just going to have to be good enough because I'm not...I'm just not subjecting myself to the psychological torture of having to go through telling him AGAIN that I do indeed find him attractive, and I would like it very much if he would just get a move on and ask me out for a proper date.  I will help plan it, but he has to want it to be a date, too.  He has to ask.  I'm not doing it again.  Not with him, anyway.  Because I can't do it anymore.

Your turn, babe.


I'm never going to whine about how blah blah blah no one likes me blah blah blah I like him blahblahblah I'm so lonely whaaaaaa again.  Because it's done.  I'm over it.  No more.

If you want to talk to me, just do it.  I'm likely not going to initiate contact with anyone for a while because I'm just...done.  The thought of it makes me mildly angry and more than a little nervous.

So yeah.  I'll talk to you when you want to talk to me, but not before.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,