Friday, December 23, 2011

Errbody in the Club Gettin' Issues.

I couldn't think of any funnier way to title this, so I apologize.  This is going to be kind of a personal entry...

I've dealt with abandonment issues since I can reliably remember and I think a little before that as well.  Now, remember, all of my "issues" or "neuroses" are undiagnosed except for by me.  This is just me being self-centered again.  I do it a lot.

Probably why I started a blog.

No, no we're on the topic of abandonment, I will not get into my self-centeredness yet.

I don't know if I fear being left behind and pushed aside and forgotten, or if I just think it's inevitable.  I mean, really, why would anyone want me around?  I forget things, I over book myself on my time with people, I'm not interesting or funny or good looking.  I'm not smart or clever, I'm not gregarious, I'm not social.  I have no idea why people hang out with me, ever.  I have no idea why people even bother to talk to me.  I've never known.  And when people do come into my life and talk to me and hang out with me and make a point to be around me (no matter how small a part of our relationship that point is) all I'm doing is waiting for them to get tired of me and leave, because I know it's bound to happen some time.

I also have a hard time forgetting people who come into my life and make an impact, even though I know I'm probably the last person they'll ever think about.

My parents never gave me any reason to believe they'd leave me behind or forget about me, but I was always sure that when it came time to push me out into the world, they'd just let me go and not give a shit about me.  I've since learned that was wrong thinking, since I am even closer to them than before.  But they're the only ones who haven't.  They haven't pushed me away, they haven't left me behind, they haven't forgotten about me.

Everyone else has.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother.  With getting close to people, I mean.  Obviously no one wants to, and I always attach myself to them more than they're attached to me.  I never choose to leave people behind, if I've said I have, I'm lying.

But then again, we'll head back to the self-centered issue and assume I'm just being conceited and move on with our lives, shall we?

I've tried so hard in this blog to make it sound like everything is going to be okay and that I'm fine and I don't have any emotional issues with anything.  I probably failed miserably, but now I'm not even going to try.

Not today anyway.

So, abandonment issues and self-image issues and self-centeredness issues and all, here I am.  You don't have to like it, you don't have to keep reading, you don't have to be my friend, you don't have to like me.  I'm used to it, I'll get by.  It won't be fine.  It won't be okay, but I'll do it.

Here's an apology I wrote when I was fourteen and trying so hard to be emo just to fit in with someone, because sometimes I still feel that way.  I doubt I'll ever stop:

I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be
I'm sorry I'm too short and fat
I'm sorry for being lazy
I'm sorry for being a procrastinator
I'm sorry I lie
I'm sorry I cheat
I'm sorry I don't do what you want
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I don't tell you everything
I'm sorry for everything

I'm sorry you expect too much of me
I'm sorry I can't grow and shrink
I'm sorry I don't want to be motivated
I'm sorry I want to put everything off
I'm sorry I don't tell the truth
I'm sorry I don't always do things morally
I'm sorry I do what I want
I'm sorry I do things wrong
I'm sorry I'm afraid to tell you who I really am
I just feel like you wouldn't accept anything other than what you want.


That's that I suppose...

I'm going to go finish the cry I started up about halfway through this, then I'm going to promptly attempt to pretend it never happened.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Virginia Tech is in the News Again [Warning, mild irreverence towards the middle bit] [EDIT]

Okay, so when I wrote this, most people still had no idea what was going on, and I'd looked some of it up, but I did not have a whole lot of information.  This is all just me trying to make it make sense in my head, I know it's irreverent and off color, and all sorts of wrong as far as information goes, but that's because I was working with a lot of speculation and not a whole lot of fact.

I know it probably didn't have anything to do with exams or anything.  I warned you that it wasn't going to be serious.  This is how I cope.  I'm sorry if I offended anyone or made anyone upset or uncomfortable.  That was not my intention.

As I'm sure most of you already know, there was a shooting today at Virginia Tech again.  No where near as bad as April 16, 2007, but still it is sad.  My heart goes out to the family of the two deceased and for the criminal still at large, because obviously someone here needs more love in their life.

I don't want to make over-light a serious situation, but a lot of times my reaction to shocking things is to come up with witty remarks to buffer the harsh reality of tragedy.

I was one of those people who thought the "What's shakin' Haiti?" jokes were hilarious the day after.

But I'm going to bring up a pretty good point with it too, I think.

Exams are not that serious, guys.  There is no need to shoot people over them.  Everyone's stressed out and having a rough time.  Yes, it's also the Christmas Season.  Chill out.  Nothing is that serious, especially not college exams.

Okay, I think that got my point across fairly well.  Dry humor.  Dry, Dark humor.

Not to mention, since the first victim (not the officer) was found in a parking lot, how many people want to bet it was a drug deal gone wrong?  I mean, I'm just saying, there are exams coming up, people want academic performance enhancing drugs, shit goes down in a parking lot, some guy doesn't get his Adderall and he goes a little nuts, then he realizes he just killed someone over exams, gets caught by a police man, panics, and shoots again.  Doesn't it make sense?

I think it does...

Again, I really don't want to over do the funny here, because this is a serious matter.  I feel immensely sorry for the families of the officer, the person in the parking lot and the shooter, as well as all the students and faculty on and around campus.  Not a single one of them asked for this, and it's truly a horrific matter.

Let's remember the lives of those lost, today, with the solemnity and honor due to their deaths.  Please forgive my irreverence previous, as I'm only trying to wrap my head around it still.

And I pray to God that no more untimely death occurs today.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers