Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So Hi!

I've been a really successful adult recently.  It's been very exciting and fulfilling for me.

I'm really making headway and I hope it keeps up.

But first, I would like to take a moment and send out good thoughts and feelings to those at my school who have been affected by the events of Friday, as well as those in Boston who were affected by the events of Monday, and those in the foreign countries who live with these kinds of acts of terrorism every single day of their lives.  It's been a really long, really stressful five days or so, and it's a shame that there even needs to be a mention of it, as it really just shouldn't happen at all.  That's all I'm saying because I'll get irreverent and start in on my black sense of humor as a way of coping with uncomfortable and upsetting topics, and no one wants that.

Now, on to the good parts (Do you like how I've set this up?  First all the sad depressing stuff, and now good things for me).  I made my first big-girl decision yesterday.  I looked at an apartment in Blacksburg, and quite honestly it's about the nicest place I've ever looked at, he was the only person to keep in contact with me after the first email, and honestly, it's the cheapest all around.  The landlady is going to be emailing me the application today and I'll be sending it in ASAP because this is too good an opportunity.  I can't even believe I got this lucky.  And the guy who will be my roommate is totally chill and pretty low key.  He's a Whovian so I imagine we'll get along pretty well.  He apparently has only a really shitty other option, which is an old friend from high school who has turned into an Eeyore/Charlie Brown type depressed person, and no one wants to be around that kind of negativity all of the time.  So it really works out well for both of us.

I have also started working Bar shift at the hotel I work at.  Which has been super fun and I really enjoy the evening people WAY more than the morning people.  It's slow as fuck all, but that's okay, because then there's very little I have to do.  I'm already really good at opening bottles and pouring beer and wine, and the only thing I'm having to really learn is making the food, but it's not even that difficult.  Everyone either orders a quesadilla or a burger, and honestly, those are fairly easy.  I'm just out of practice, but since I know where everything is in the kitchen (and how the Breakfast people like the kitchen to be kept) I think I'm going to quickly become a favorite.  I have required very little training.  The hardest part right now is remembering the specials, but even at that point, it's not terribly difficult.  Also, finding which wine I want because it's dark in the cabinet and it's all the way down near the floor, and so I have to, like, crouch down and hunt a little.  Not that it's unorganized, I just haven't quite got the order down enough to be able to figure out what is where yet.  But it's super easy and, again, the evening people are WAY easier to talk to and get along with than the morning people.  It helps I'm also being trained by people who speak actual english and not broken, heavily accented english.  And I'm likely not going to be left on my own for a super busy week or so.  Like I was with breakfast.

So I'm pretty psyched about this, because I've wanted to be a bartender since I was, like 12 or 14 (it varies with who I tell, but it was around then anyway), and while it's just beer and wine (and bar fare food, which I would never have to make myself at any other establishment), it's a step in the right direction, and I can only hope they start putting me on bar almost always and start taking me off of breakfast, because frankly, I'm tired of wasting my weekends, tired of having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to work with people who don't always understand me, and who I don't always understand, tired of finding out FAR too late that I've been doing something wrong for a very long time, because no one bothered to actually tell me when I started out, or when it changed, tired of being given two sets of information (because that's what REALLY happened there, and I'm not going into it because I'll start playing the blame game, and while they should have properly trained me and told me these things, I've been there for two years, and the english speaking component of the hotel assumed I knew what was going on because of that).  I'm just tired of it.  And the people are a lot less nice in the mornings.  Mostly because they haven't had coffee or food yet, and they've just woken up and let's be honest, no one likes being awake in the morning pre-food/coffee.

I'm also getting a start on making sure I pass my fucking classes this semester.  I feel kind of bad, because while the shooting on Friday was traumatic enough for them to put special grade solutions in place for the school, it's going to make doing all of this so much easier on me.  But at the same time, it's going to make it easier for everyone who doesn't...who doesn't feel as affected by the events as those people who were actually there.  I know I've got issues.  I've separated myself from the event both because I was not actually there and didn't really know anyone who was affected by the event, and because that's just how I've dealt with these things.  I feel sympathy for these people, I do, but I don't...I don't empathize with them as well as I feel like should be appropriate, which is why I'm sitting here writing this and not down at the support gathering.  I mean, they've told us (by they I mean the staff who told the teaching staff, one of whom told my statistics class this morning) that people process this stuff all sorts of different ways and it's okay to feel however you feel about the incident, whether it's really sad, really angry, or really not anything at all.  And that helps, but I don't always weirds me out when I think about how I just don't feel affected by it, because I feel like I should, because that would be socially acceptable.

Ah well, no use dwelling on something I can't actually change.  Pretending to feel something would be a lot worse, I think, than feeling nothing at all.

OH!  On a completely different note that is totally unrelated (though the previous sentence did spark the thought), I'm moving on.  Completely this time.  It has occurred to me that I have a self-destructive pattern of attraction to certain types of boys (not men, never men) and that I need to figure out who I am, what I need, before I can actually attempt the whole emotional attachment thing again.  I'm...I'm not bringing it up with the boy in question, because, again, I'm just not that much of a masochist.  But I thought you all should know.  Because I'm done.  I'm done with all of the bullshit and drama, and when I'm confident enough in myself and my feelings to do something about it, when it feels right, when I'm comfortable (or at least, not completely uncomfortable) in my skin, I will be ready.  But it is not that time yet, and it never will be if I keep hanging on to things I can't have.

So I'm moving on, growing up, becoming a successful adult, and maybe one day I'll be ready for all of that feelings nonsense again, but I'm not now, and I'm going to accept that, embrace it, and just be me.

I know I do this every couple of months or so, but I actually mean it this time you guys.  I'm going to do this.

You all are wonderful, and I appreciate that you still read my rambling, nonsensical, unorganized thoughts.  Thank you!

Until Next Time, Dear (dear, dear) Readers

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