I could have written song titles for an emo band. They never hired me because they didn't know I was amazing.
Friday started out as a not so good day. As I'm sure you all are aware. Because that was the last time I updated my blog. It didn't exactly start getting any better after I signed off, either.
I never got a call back from the mall Lost and Found, which is fine, because whoever took those things probably needed them. Good for them. I'm glad I could help.
I did manage to pull off a C in Microeconomics, which was good. But I'll be honest, I was really dreading the marathon work weekend that was ahead of me at that time.
Let me break down my schedule for you, so you understand my mindset going into this past weekend.
I had work at 5:30pm on Friday. I worked until 11. Then I got to go home and sleep until 5:30am on Saturday, so I could go BACK INTO WORK at 6:30am. I worked there until 12. I got back home and then left again to be BACK AT WORK at 5:30pm Saturday night where I worked until 11, then had to drive ALL THE WAY HOME to get the fuck to sleep so I could get BACK TO WORK at 6:30am Sunday morning. I worked 22 hours this weekend. And if you're counting, that gave me about 17 hours to sleep and I'll tell you what, I didn't use all of them for sleeping. Because ain't no way I was getting a proper nap during the afternoon hours.
So on my way to work on Friday, I was admittedly a little stressed out, very angry still about the whole lost-and-found ordeal, and frankly I'm fed up with the job that made me work 22 hours on the weekend after exams before I graduate AFTER I TOLD THEM I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO WORK ON THIS SOCIAL LIFE I'M ACCRUING.
So I yelled, and I screamed, and I raged, and I knew my emotions weren't blown out of proportion because I'd just eaten and usually that will quell most of the angry feelings I have.
And all of the sudden, in the middle of a rant about how frustrated and fed up I was at this job, I suddenly said (It's going to be in all caps because I was yelling) "YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY DON'T FUCKING DESERVE THAT I WORK THERE, THAT I BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR THEM. I AM FUCKING AMAZING, AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIND ANYONE ELSE WHO WILL WAKE UP TO BE AT WORK TEN MINUTES EARLY FOR A SHIFT THAT STARTS AT 5:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING ON A WEEKEND. THEY WILL NEVER FIND ANY ONE ELSE WHO WILL SACRIFICE WHAT VERY LITTLE SOCIAL LIFE THEY HAVE AT THE AGE OF 21 FOR THEIR JOB. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THEY HAVE IT WITH ME. I RARELY CALL IN SICK, I SHOW UP EARLY FOR MY SHIFT ALMOST ALL OF THE TIME, AND I DO EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING SMILE ON MY GODDAMN FACE BECAUSE I AM ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND I AM THE ONLY PERSON THERE WHO IS ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME."
And it suddenly hit me, not long after that paragraph, that I had, in a great rage of anger, called myself wonderful, and fantastic, and that, no, they absolutely do not deserve the fact that I work for them. Because I am fucking amazing, and they don't appreciate it. I was supposed to get a raise after my first year. I got $0.25 cents more per hour. I am not earning as much per hour as other people who have been there for a shorter amount of time. I've worked at this job for almost 2 years now. I know I'm not there day-in-and-day-out like other people, but my god, I am constantly smiling at the customer, even if they're pissing me off, or my co-workers are pissing me off. And other people at this place will openly roll their eyes, talk about unrelated things in front of the customers, will disrespect the customers, will cut up in front of the customers, will not try to be nice to the customers, and I do. In fact, the customers are the HIGHLIGHT of my day at work.
Which is not said very often AT ALL. In fact, usually people complain about customers. But I'm like, no the customers are the reason you have a fucking job, please be grateful they are even deigning to stand in front of you with your sassy, know-it-all attitude and your thinly-veiled contempt for the very air they are breathing.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit on the part of my coworkers.
But the point here is that, usually, when I'm upset, and angry and even if it's not my fault that I'm upset or angry, or if there is nothing in my power to change anything I've done, I put myself down. I tear into myself and I make myself feel like absolute shit.
And I didn't. I didn't do that. In fact, I built myself up, and I realized I'm not a shitty human being. And I have NEVER done this before. This is a breakthrough in that whole "love yourself and you can love others more" thing.
I recently confessed to a small group of people that I had managed to convince myself that very few people genuinely liked me. Every single time I tell people this, they give me a funny look. And intellectually I knew I was wrong. I knew it couldn't be true. Didn't mean I didn't believe it, though.
And yeah, okay, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not a social pariah. People do genuinely like me and want to hang out with me. And that is frankly fucking amazing.
I don't know you guys. It's been three days and I STILL think I'm bloody fantastic, it hasn't gone away or been over-powered by doubts and anxiety. I'm not sure what to do with all of this information here.
But I want you all to know that I appreciate that you've stuck with me through my very slow process of believing I'm not complete shit. If you're out there, reading this, and think something is wrong with you, or think that no one likes you, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and that I will tell you you are wrong, and that I like you. I think you're amazing, and wonderful, and I don't care if you don't believe me because I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
Thanks for being here for me. I was almost going to say I didn't know what I would have done without you, but at the same time, I realize I probably would have kept updating anyway, because this shit is cathartic for me. Writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and anxieties and worries and troubles and then just putting them out there, for someone, anyone to stumble across one day, that's what keeps me writing. I've never kept up with any kind of journal or diary (or blog) like I've kept up with this, and it's mostly because I can't put anything as private. All of it goes out into the world. Every single word I write. And it's amazing.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,