Friday, August 30, 2013


Sorry I don't update here more often.  My life hasn't exactly been very busy or exciting, so there really hasn't been much to write about, but I'm going to give you a recap of the past month or so (how long has it been since I updated?)

I had a rough summer.  I struggled pretty hard with things I have struggled with for a while: self-harm being chief amongst those, as well as some fairly dark thoughts.  I've gotten to a better place with them, but I'm still working with them.

I've got a secure, comfortable job with a future.  And the flexibility to go back to school if I feel like it. And if I do go back to school, I'm pretty much certain I'll be going in for massage therapy. Just to get certified, because frankly, that would be a fucking awesome skill to have under my belt and be certified for.

I'm getting more comfortable with myself.  It's been an intense growing process, and I've still got a long way to go, but I think the fact that I'm as comfortable with myself as I am right now, and it's only going to go up from here, is a huge plus.  I'm miles ahead of so many other, older women who so severely dislike themselves, women I've looked up to my entire life, and that I am so far along in my journey of loving myself as I ought to, that it's just incredible for me.

And again, I don't like myself all THAT much.  Which should tell you something about the female role models I've had in my life.

I don't know, guys...I'm struggling to figure out where I stand in the universe.  I don't like not knowing, but I know so many people go decades, maybe even an entire lifetime before they know where they stand.  Maybe they never find it.  And I don't like that.  I can't see myself doing that.  I just have this overwhelming need to know where I stand in the world, what my purpose is -- my purpose, not the entire human race, no one needs to know that -- and that tends to be the one thing I focus most of my thoughts on.  Especially recently, because I have managed to somehow get to a place in my life where I have no interest in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.

Let me reiterate that because it's kind of a big deal: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.  This isn't to say I don't occasionally (often) want a romantic relationship in my life.  I would LOVE that kind of comfort and security (because that's what relationships are to me, they are comfortable, loving, secure, safe, because I'm not alone anymore).  However, this is the first time in my life there hasn't been a specific face attached to those feelings.  Completely and totally.  And this is, again, a big deal.  I tend to obsess.  I tend to fixate and hold on with the tightest grip I can manage to one guy.  And it never gets me fucking anywhere.

And now, now I am working on being comfortable with me, and feeling safe and comfortable and secure on my own.  And maybe one day I'll be able to let someone else in, in a healthy, loving, comfortable way.  But I don't need it right now.  I might never need it.  And that, my dear friends, is perfectly okay.

Because it's now that I can figure out how to have a relationship with someone where there is no romantic connotations, no sexual feelings (which might never happen on my part towards a person anyway), just a healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex.

And okay, so I'm not looking anymore.  And it might happen anyway.  Do you know how many rat's asses I give about that? None! Because if it's going to happen it's going to happen! It's not up to me! But this is a time of learning and growth, of finding myself and getting to a place that is healthy for me.

I keep using the word healthy, but that's because that's what I need in my life.  I need to be healthy, I need to have healthy, non-toxic relationships.  I'm not.  I'm not healthy.  I have a very unhealthy relationship with myself, and it's slowly getting better, and it will take some time, but I think I can get there, and I think I will get there sooner, rather than later, as long as I don't have any huge setbacks.  Which I really don't think I will.

*knocks on wood*

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

No comments:

Post a Comment