I'm waiting for my study buddy to show up and procrastinating on actually starting the studying process without her, also not writing the story I'm currently working on.
I was, but then I decided I actually wanted to write a blog post.
Not sure what I wanted to say though. I'm mostly just fishing for distractions at this point.
I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday. Which is good. I mean, I still don't have a for sure place to live next year, and I'm kind of annoyed with where I work (not as bad as usual, just a vague annoyance mostly to do with the training thing again. I won't go into it because it's fine, and it's no longer an issue, but I swear, if they'd just tell me all of the information at first, I'd do it. I promise I would). But my general outlook today is fairly positive. I certainly won't be holding my breath for anything, but I figure it will all work out in the end regardless of what the outcome actually is. Que Sera Sera, etc.
I wanted to expand on a partial theme of yesterday, about my hypochondria and asexuality. And also on the topic of asexuality.
I am a huge hypochondriac. I'm just aware that I am. Which may end up being a problem if there is actually something wrong with me. But it's also why I've self-diagnosed a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional issues. Because I'm not entirely sure I haven't just exaggerated what I really feel, or because I know the symptoms of several of them I haven't made a false diagnosis. And I'm certainly not paying money for someone to tell me I'm wrong. I do that any time I make a bet. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's nothing actually wrong with me, but sometimes it's nice to have a word for what I'm feeling, no matter the inaccuracy of that word. Does that make any sense? I also sometimes will cause myself to have symptoms of things, because I know what they are. My brain works in over drive and, well, long story short (too late) I can actually have a symptom of something, post learning about it, or the way I think about the way I do things or react to things will be looked at in the light of the new information. Which makes me question whether or not I really felt it before, or if I've made it all up.
Anyway, so onto the topic of asexuality, because it is actually related. I read a LOT of Sherlock fan fiction, and in the course of doing so you learn that a lot of people are of the opinion that Sherlock Holmes (in the Arthur Conan Doyle canon, especially) is in fact asexual and that he and Watson have a romantic relationship, but not a physical one. A bromance, if you will, but to the extreme.
In the course of learning this, on a whim Friday, I decided to browse the asexuality tag of Tumblr, in case I found a random Sherlock fic. I knew, of course, that people do identify sexually as asexual (that's a sentence I'm sure you don't hear very often). I mean, it makes sense. And in the course of my browsing, I learned that asexuality is not as clear-cut as it sounds. It's the same as bisexual. Or homosexual, or heterosexual, or biromantic, bi curious, pansexual. What I'm getting at is that there are a lot of ways for a person to like other people. And asexual is just a broad term for something that a lot of people feel very similarly, but not necessarily the same.
Based on my very limited research (because I haven't yet gotten around to exploring AVEN, which I need to do because it came up A LOT in my perusing) I noticed that people were very passionate about their lack of sexual passion. Because a surprising number of people claim that it's not a real sexual orientation.
But some people just don't feel sexually attracted to other people. They can find them physically attractive, they can find them emotionally or mentally attractive. Some people can become sexually aroused but not by other people, some of them even masturbate for other purposes than sexual arousal.
And that's just the short list. There are other terms used in asexuality (not in it, per se, just...I can't...my vocabulary is not at the point I would like it to be to properly explain this, and I fully support you going out and doing your own research on the subject, as long as you don't spread hate or misinformation, because, guys, that's just not fucking cool, okay?) such as graysexual and demisexual and semisexual and there is a lot of cross over but the general thing is that it's not the same for every person, but at the same time, there are enough similarities that we can have these overarching terms, and that we can also be fairly certain that they are not straight, or gay, or bisexual in the sense that they are sexually attracted to another member of the human race based on gender or, well, sex. Not to say that there aren't hetero-leaning asexuals, or bi-leaning graysexuals, or anything like that. Because, again, it is not as clear cut as we would really prefer. And most asexuals are not loners and they do actually want human contact, and they are interested in having meaningful relationships with other people. Just not necessarily with a sexual aspect to it.
And I'll tell you what, I feel like I have enough similarities with these broad specifics (oxymoron, I know, I know. But...that's what it is. These are the broad topics in a very specific category) that I feel like I could be on the asexual spectrum. Because I have not felt sexually attracted to people. I've found them attractive, certainly. But while I've expressed interest in seeing what sex is like, it's mostly in an experimental fashion, and I don't have enough interest in it that I would be willing to just go out and willy nilly hook up with someone. Or do those sorts of activities with someone I didn't have an emotional attachment or relationship with. And even still, it would be to see if I even enjoy it. Because, frankly, I don't see the appeal.
Someone put it very well on Tumblr, relating it to cake. (please click the link. The font is small, and the site is busy looking, but it just states this feeling so well and accurately)
I just...That's what I feel like. And I wonder if I would have a better idea as to my sexuality if I'd had sex before. But I just don't want to. It doesn't appeal.
I don't know...More research needs to be done, but who knows when I'll get around to it.
Thanks for listening to me ramble, guys. I appreciate it.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,