Wednesday, March 27, 2013


Christ, I feel like a certain consulting detective with that.

But I am, decidedly, bored.  Therefore you all get TWO posts from me today, aren't you lucky?

I'm struggling with my writing still.  I mean, like that's ever going to really change, but it's just so difficult to get it to a place where I'm happy with how the story is going.  I've got like ten going at once, and none of them are anywhere near where I want them to be and it's FRUSTRATING.  Like, immensely.

I've got so much going on in my head I want to get out.  Like, so much I can't even create the words to string them together to make sentences to make coherent thoughts to possibly outline the vaguest idea of what I have in my head.  BLARGHARARAGAHRAR

Apparently that is what I have to say to that.

A good portion of what's going on in my head is the same old useless self-deprecation I'm so good at getting into.  And I mean, it's not like it's entirely unfounded.  It wouldn't be in my head if I didn't think there was some modicum of basis in reality.  And, technically, since I can think it, in this universe, on this plane of existence, wouldn't it then be actually part of reality?  It's a thought.  A philosophical one, but a thought.

I don't know.  I mentioned to my parents and my sister at Sunday lunch that it will likely be several if not many years before I'm even prepared to maybe get married (It came up in conversation), and they all looked at me like 'Noooo, now you've said it, now the 6 month rule comes into play and you'll find the man of your dreams before the year is out'

And I was like, no I've found the man of my dreams, several times, the problem is is that the man of my dreams will never be attracted to me -- not even in my dreams.  This is a certifiable fact I've sufficiently concluded in several different ways, shapes, and forms up to and including in my own head.

I can't even have a successful imaginary relationship, is what I'm saying here.  I've tried -- Benedict Cumberbatch being the most recent (and most successful) endeavor to this particular form of masochism I subject myself to.  I also tried Bradley James (he plays Arthur in Merlin *stifles inappropriate giggle at the word order*), but while he's attractive and we're much more likely to get on, he's not...

And I don't know what about Cumberbatch is better, because at that point, he's 16 years older than I am, and probably has as many self-confidence issues as I do, and therefore we would be doomed to fail because neither of us would be willing to think the other liked us.  Or he would find he was settling for me because he's sure no one more attractive would be interested.

I tried Zachary Quinto at one point, but he's gay, and surprisingly there are limits to my emotional masochism.  I'm apparently not allowed to stake claim on Chris Pine because KW has already called dibs.  Which is fine, except she's no longer allowed to make fun of me for liking Benedict Cumberbatch because there's a very similar age difference between her and Pine as with me and Cumberbatch.

Actually, I'm going to look that up and see, because I want to be right, and then I will have PROOF.  HAH! Fifteen years.  I WIN.

Let's see...I tried Colin Morgan, too, who looks a lot like Cumberbatch, but I had a similar problem with him as I did with James.  Plus, I secretly think that Morgan and James are having a sordid love affair with one another, or they were, anyway, whilst filming.  Dunno if it's still on or not, haven't been following them closely.

I think my next move will be Jensen Ackles (??? spelling?) from Supernatural, but even then, I'm not entirely sure.  He has to not be taken, is one of my main requirements for a celebrity crush (because I'm retarded and for whatever reason I won't even let myself have a crush on someone I have no chance with anyway if they already have a girlfriend?!?).  Or gay.  But he does have a VERY fine behind, and is very attractive otherwise (he has a similar facial structure to Bradley James, which is on the more traditionally attractive side of my personal preferences).

Haha, I've got a pattern of types.  I have my "moderately traditionally attractive" blokes who aren't obscenely attractive, but are normal enough looking (Ackles, James, David Tennant [tenth doctor]).  and then I have my "who the hell else thinks these people are attractive but myself" people, who are on the more alienesque side of things (Cumberbatch, Matt Smith [eleventh doctor], Colin Morgan [sorry honey, but you're odd looking and I love it, but you are] to name a few).

And I'll have you note the very distinct types of these men.  Ackles, James, and Tennant have blond to medium brown hair, seem more sturdily built (less waifly looking at a glance, play more sturdy characters, etc), and seem generally friendlier at a glance.  Cumberbatch, Smith, and Morgan have dark hair (okay, when I first met them as their characters they did anyway), high cheekbones, a rather ethereal appearance, and tend to be a little -- I want to use the word wispy but that's not quite what I mean...

And it's hilarious because it translates to my real world crushes I've had.  I usually end up going for the Ackles-James-Tennant type as far as real life goes but it usually doesn't go anywhere (case in point NT, my first ever crush ever, several others, there's a ridiculous list).  I end up dating the Cumberbatch-Smith-Morgan types (okay, so they're tall, and thin-looking, and awkward) except for one  occasion where I was dating a mixture, but we all know where that ended up.

And I'm not against having types, it's fine, it's just...I dunno.

I gotta attempt to find an outlet now.  Sorry about the random description of all of my celebrity crushes. You're welcome?

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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