I fear I am once again falling into my reclusive, antisocial habits. (and by fear, I mostly mean, well, it sucks for you, but it happens).
As it turns out, I'm not actually a very social butterfly. Even on the internet. Oh sure, I go through swings of social activity, perhaps even off line. But for the most part, I have lived my life sitting back and watching through the window of my computer screen. I like it that way, quite frankly. I also like having friends. Unfortunately, these two things don't tend to be one and the same.
Let me explain.
When I was 12, I was given a crash course on the internet by two friends I have since lost touch with. This crash course consisted mostly of a website wherein one could take quizzes (that often times took the form of a "choose your own adventure" story featuring oneself and their romantic interest of a fictional nature). It was my first introduction to fan fiction, which I assume was the point behind the friendship, other than giving me slightly better friends with which to compare the friends I had acquired previously (a lesson I didn't realize until just now).
REGARDLESS, most of these stories one couldn't comment on, aside from perhaps "favorite"ing the story or artwork, etc. in question.
Then they changed the site. This allowed for a "Messaging" feature to be added, and then, if you so chose, you could contact the author of the story you enjoyed. Well, that was a frightening prospect indeed, so I chose not to partake, until I started writing my own stories on this quiz site.
Then I acquired my first online friend. We stayed online friends until I met her possibly three or four years ago. Then we were still online friends, but we'd met in person, so it didn't quite qualify as a solely "online" friendship. (and then I promptly went into stealth mode, and we don't really talk a whole lot, or, well, as much, anymore)
This was where I started to notice my "dead" spells.
When you keep in constant contact with certain individuals for an extended period of time, you notice when you don't keep in contact.
For me, it was like playing a game.
In the first stage, I simply chose not to visit a certain site or open my AIM chat window (or lied and put it as "away" or "invisible". The reason for doing so at this stage wasn't important, except that I felt the need to be online without talking to anyone. Perhaps it was a bad day. We'll go with that.
Then, a few days later, when I haven't responded to messages, emails, or chat requests, it's awkward, because I have been online, and coming back "online" for my friends might require an explanation as to why I was gone, other than "I just wasn't feeling like talking", or -- no, actually, that's pretty much all it ever is. So then it was a game of "avoid." Keep your status as "away", don't answer messages, don't respond to emails. Just read your fan fiction, your web comics, and watch your youtube videos.
Then, after realizing that this wasn't going anywhere, I would go back, never be asked as to where I had been (okay, well sometimes I would, but then I would just say "I wasn't really feeling like being online") and things would go back to normal, no harm, no foul.
This has happened more than once, and it happens at increasing rates when I find there are people I enjoy talking to, either on the internet, or on my phone (text message only people, who do you think I am? I despise phone calls, but I can and will make/answer them if it is so required of me).
I'm just...not really good at the social interaction thing. I fake it well enough, never you mind that, so if thrust into a social situation with me, you probably won't notice. But I will, and it makes me feel awkward, and THAT comes across loud and clear (well, I assume. They do say it's the thought that counts, and if I think I'm awkward, it probably comes across that way to others, despite how terribly eloquent I might happen to be or not to be at the time).
The internet is a terrible enabler, too. Because you can just lurk about and no one will even know you were there. Heck, they might not even care if they could know. And a lot of times, I hide behind it.
Mind, I don't see this as a problem, I'm simply stating facts for those out there who might be interested.
Mostly because if you don't hear from me for a few days, assume that I'm just being antisocial again, and while I might be able to respond, I might just not want to talk to anyone.
But if it's been more than a month and there has been no post on ANY site of mine (and if you've found this blog, you have probably found other sites of mine), you should perhaps worry a little, because at that point, the Zombies have probably gotten to me, or I have been kidnaped or something else strangely horrible has probably happened. Because the internet is my FRIEND. and I wouldn't abandon it for something so silly as not wanting to talk to people. At the very least, there would be activity on my deviantART or my youtube accounts. As long as those are still working, I'm still alive. And usually if you contact my phone, I'll get back to you. More likely through text than a call, for the aforementioned reasons, but I will get back to you.
I'm just warning you all, because I feel another stint coming on, and I've recently acquired friends, who might actually worry about my whereabouts and/or my activity on the internet.
Be ye not afraid, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now and need some me time. Also, I have school still (for freaking forever, apparently), and I've recently come to find I love the Television again. So we'll see how long that affair lasts, and I'll likely have something to update with by the time I return.
Until next time, Dear readers,
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
I would just like to start with a quick quote:
This is going to be quite informative, so be prepared. I'm one of those people who hasn't exactly had the best luck with men. No, seriously, I can count on both hands the number of guys actually interested in me a little bit, and on one hand the number I've gone out with. This was how I was answering a lot of those stupid meme quizzes that went around when I was 14-19 on Myspace, Facebook, and DeviantART:
I also want to apologize now to any of my readers with slow internet. This is going to be picture heavy, and it might take a while to get them to load.
So I filled my time with Disney movies and fictional stories about my favorite characters on the internet. The best thing I ever did was Disney movies. Holy crap, you miss so much when you watch them as a child. ALWAYS watch them again 10 years (or more, or never stop) later.
And you learn to move on with your life.
And, like I said, it wasn't like there was NO ONE interested…they were just…never right. You know? I mean, I did try. I tried really hard. I even did the online dating thing, which, I mean, unless you've got a really good vibe about the online dating thing, isn't all it's cracked up to be. But then again, what is it cracked up to be? Oh sure, there were several lookers, their pictures were amazingly-fantastic-awesome-ness. But then you exchange numbers and shit like this happens:
Or he internet stalks you and you're just like:
And I wasn't exactly batting 1000 with the guys in real life. They all turned out to be Disney princes, if you know what I'm saying:
The ones that stand out the most are "Has a girl on the side", "Gets pissed if you're not a guy", "Won't get a job", and "has a girl on the side." Oh and I think they know who they are. And that doesn't even touch on the guy who was already married. It was to the point where I was like "there has GOT to be something wrong with me, right?" Because why else would I be attracting only the assholes, deadbeats and dredges of society? I know I'm not terrible to look at all the time (I try on occasion!) and I'm not totally boring to be around (some people even claim that I'm funny! and they're not even talking about how I smell). I mean, I don't exactly have loads to talk about, since most of my free time is spent on the internet, and I don't like talking about work or school since those things are DEFINITELY boring, and so I'm not exactly caught up on the latest TV. Is that such a bad thing? Why must I be wasting my time watching mindless television shows when I could be on the internet learning information I will probably never need to know?
This has led to a minor, teeny-tiny, not so significant, completely overwhelming self confidence issue:
So I decided to just say "Fuck it" and move on with my life. I know, I know, I'm only twenty and I've already given up on finding "the one." And I'm the big believer in fate, and destiny, and "things happen for a reason." I can't be giving up already! My life has only just begun! I have roughly forty more years to find the right guy before I die, I have to keep going! But I did. It got to the point where I decided the internet was the only person who understood me (shh, I know the internet is not a person, that's to illustrate the point), and I began planning my life around my solitude (which is a habit I haven't exactly broken yet). Mind, this started a few months ago, but it takes one month to make a habit.
I have been known to pull the above move and deliberately avoid hanging out with people simply because I was "too tired" or "had homework" which I wasn't doing anyway, or "had work that day and I don't really feel like being around any more people today". And I lived at my desk for a couple of months.
Seriously, this would STILL be the perfect computer, but maybe minus the toilet. I mean, water hazard, much?
And I was still getting the update emails from that dating website because I haven't found it in me to just completely separate myself yet. Mostly because I am lazy. But every time it would show up, it would come with a new batch of guys who all were trying about this hard:
To get girls' attention. And honestly, on the internet, it's easier to lie about the backflip.
My self confidence has gotten a boost over my solitude time. Just a little bit of a boost, but when it comes to me, anything that isn't tearing me down completely (which is most of the rest of the time) is a plus. It's mostly still the self-deprecating joking way of telling people I'm actually quite awesome (shh, I know, that sentence doesn't actually make sense. Just go with it)
It seemed like it was the only way to get myself and others to believe I was as awesome and fantastic and, dare I say it, "outstanding" as I wanted to be. You wanna know a secret? It worked. I fooled people into thinking I was cool. I can now socialize on my terms whenever I want to.
And for a while I was like "you know what, God, I don't need you to give me anyone in my life. I'm perfectly fine to be that one girl who never finds love, and just has cats the rest of her life. If that's the plan you had for me, bring it!"
Oh yes it does, Mikki Michelle! Yes it does indeed.
I swear, as soon as I make my mind up about something, the whole tide of the game changes. I was fine. I was! I didn't need anyone, but I could have friends if I wanted them. I wasn't interested in anyone romantically, I was doing well ignoring the gaping hole of loneliness I'd finally gotten used to after 20 years of being alone. I was FINE, dammit.
You know, I went to a group a number of months ago (back in…what was it, March or April or something? Right when I first cut all my hair off, but just long enough after for it to be unruly and a nuisance because I have too much body in my hair and it won't lay flat at a certain length. Or ever, if I'm to be completely honest. It was a church group. Nice bunch of people. Something of a Bible study, and we were following a book I pretended to have read, because let's face it, I'm not that good at reading when I'm required to do so *she says as she glances warily at the growing number of half-way started but mostly unfinished books she has to read so other people can read them or she can get her schoolwork done*.
But it was fun and it gave me a reason to be out of the house on Wednesday nights. And I got to meet new people (big church, it's hard to get to know people when you've got more than 400 attending on any given Sunday and you can't get to most services because you work on Sundays). And that's always fun and interesting.
There were a couple people I connected with better than others. There were some I'm pretty sure I never talked to at all outside of group discussion. And then, after the group had ended, six or so weeks later, I wasn't able to get back to church for months. Like, actually MONTHS. It's fine, I guess, because I need to pay my bills and everything, but sometimes, especially since my boss goes to the same church as me, he'd give me more Sundays off. But I mean, I get why he doesn't, because Sundays are the busiest (after 8:30 and all the way up until close because checkout is at noon). But the church I go to is FUN, and I'd really like to attend more services and see the people I like.
But that's mildly off topic. Regardless, months and months later, I get to attend a few services, and then it's another month off. And then I attend again, oh, we'll say about a month ago, but it might have been more or less than that. I have no clue, actually.
I hadn't heard from anyone but one person from the group while I wasn't able to attend service. And that was fine, I understood. Remember? I know there's something wrong, I don't know what it is, but for whatever reason it keeps people at bay, and remember? I'd come to terms with it. I was fine. FINE I TELL YOU.
AND THERE HE WAS. And, I mean, we've done lunch a couple times. The first time was that Monday after the one church service I'd just been allowed to go to about a month ago (remember me talking about that? I thought you might have been distracted by the drunk-looking baby, so I figured I'd remind you). And it was a great lunch. I may have even told you all about it, I don't remember.
He brought up later that he might have been maybe a little interested in becoming more than friends (in a sort of round about way) which I am not opposed to, but I have this thing, with the guys, with all of the above I mentioned? Yeah, interspersed with the pictures and whatnot. Remember all of that? It was a while ago. And I have gotten so used to distancing myself from people that it was almost second nature to tell him I only want to be friends right now. Which I do, I mean, yeah, but I have this habit of jumping into things with both feet when I'm really just not prepared at all. And I'm trying to get better with the preparation thing. And since this isn't an online thing, I can't, like, stalk him over the internet like I'm used to doing, instead of actually talking. (Okay, that's a bit of a stretch, we're Facebook friends, but I'm trying to do this organically and get to know him the old fashioned way. It's been an exercise in restraint. And I'm not going to say I didn't stalk his page when we first became friends, because that would be a lie, and what else do people do when they become friends with someone? They look at everything that's happened since they joined Facebook, duh.)
And…I have a really good feeling about this, but I don't want to say too much or get ahead of myself, because I don't generally have very good taste in men, and I'm hoping he'll prove me wrong, but I have learned to brace myself for the worst, always. It's not something I like doing, but it's ingrained in me now, and I can't exactly flip a switch and turn it off. And I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, because it's different, but it's not strong, and I worry about the fact that it's not strong. I was always ALWAYS taught that when you connected with a person like that, you could feel it and you were certain and if nothing else, all the romantic comedies and Disney movies and everything told you that if it was meant to be, come Hell or high water or anything else, (even one person being a complete dick, which might end up being me, and I really hope I don't but I'm so scared I'm going to screw up and hurt someone, always, and I feel like the emotional-Hulk, and that if I feel anything, shit's going down and I'm going to turn green and purple and hurt something and I just wanna be Bruce Banner in my lab working with the SAFE gamma rays, thankyouverymuch), you'd be together.
So, before I freak out, I'm going to end this, because, really, I'm FINE. I'm fine and everything is FINE. I'm just crazy and I don't know what's going on, or what I want, and I don't even know what day it is most of the time. And in closing, I'd just like to say:
Thanks for giving me caterpillars, those weird creepy things that eat everything and leave nothing behind.
Until next time, Dear Readers,
P.S. All of the images herein contained were found and pinned on Pinterest.
Posted by Michelle at 10:53 AM