Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Dear People Who Read This Blog

I'm warning you now, this is going to quickly degenerate into whinging about my love life or lack thereof, so if you're not wanting to view that, you can leave now.  The summation of it:  I'm not going to whine about it anymore.  But I have to get through my brain's reasons why first so I'm doing it here.  To those of you still with me, I'm sorry your day is so boring that you're reading this, but thanks for bearing with me anyway.

There's this one guy, and you all know him. He's the one I can't make up my mind about.  NT, for Not Totally, or Never Time, or ... or a lot of things.

And, in my post about my celebrity crushes (BORED), you might have noticed that I tend to quickly attach and hold on, emotionally, even when time and time again I'm just completely done with the whole endeavor and want to move on, I still hold on just that tiniest little bit on the hope that maybe-maybe-maybe, etc, adn. (Remember how I'm making that a thing?)

And then, with the tiniest little hope buoyed on occasion, I am attached again to the point of near-obsession.

And this is just how my brain works.  It's why I don't really attach all that often anymore.  It's not that I can't, it's that I won't because I'm still already attached to so many people and already getting beaten to the point of "what's the point of holding on to it anymore, there's no reason" and still holding on with my last little feeler.  Because that's what will happen and I've apparently reached my limit and I don't think I'll go attaching anymore until I get over some of what I still hold onto.

I'm not...I'm not sure if I'm going to let go of NT yet or not.  I still...there's still some hope.  And it's the hope that keeps me going.  And don't be worried, if there is no more hope, I will let go.  I've done it before, I promise you.  But until then I think I'll always hang on just a little bit.

But I think you guys need a little back story before you go thinking I'm a complete idiot for holding onto this modicum of hope for a boy I'm not entirely sure whether or not he actually likes me enough to try for more and not doing anything about it.  Because I'm not going to, no matter how much I should.

Because I have already.  And it's this part that counters the hope and is starting to wear away at my last feeler of promise (that maybe should be capitalized. It seems like a pretty important position.  The Last Feeler of Promise.  I'll make it a book title one day, just you wait).

I've known NT for years.  Years and years and years.  And maybe it really hasn't been quite that long, but it FEELS like it's been years and years and years.  And when I was fourteen and he was fifteen I thought he was the greatest, coolest, most handsome thing since sliced bread.  And I crushed HARD.  I crushed hard enough to finally get over my first crush ever (which was about 7 years too late, honestly).

But I was NEVER confident in my looks or my personality or anything. Never have been and never will be, and for some good reason.  No one stuck around, or thought I was worth the effort of befriending and keeping a hold of and maybe just maybe wanting to try dating.  As a true romantic at heart, this was devastating.

I mean, I was only still friends with the few I had because they sometimes let me hang out with them.  I didn't have many friends, either.  And they all left eventually.

Except for NT.  Who did leave, but we still talked.  We were great communicators.  Hours upon hours of chats I saved for far longer than I ought to.  And I liked him so much.  (Okay, still do, still do.  All the things I say about NT I do still feel, thanks very much.  They're just tempered a little because I've forced them down for a few years too long).

And I thought...I thought he maybe liked me too, but then he got a girlfriend and I don't know the whys and hows of it all, but I know he got a girlfriend, and that it wasn't me.  And then, a few months into their relationship, I finally got up the gumption to tell him I liked him (over iChat because I'm a coward, let's not mince words here).  And he was like "Oh, I'm flattered, but, I mean, I'm taken already."  And I was like, "Well, fuck, let's ignore it then."

And we did, quite well.  And then he broke up with his girlfriend not long afterwards, and I was like "yes, this is my chance.  Wait just long enough for him to be over her, but not yet in another relationship".

And then he dated one of my friends.  I mean, she and I weren't close, but I was like, "Are you kidding me right now?"  And I ignored my feelings a long while more, and it wasn't like we stopped talking while he had these girlfriends.  We spoke for HOURS.  Just back and forth, mostly about silly random things, but what else do you talk about with your friends?

And then the two of them broke up (and I might be skipping a second confession of feelings.  Mind these are about a year apart or so, so I don't...don't really remember or I do and I've blocked it out because you can only handle so much embarrassment and humiliation).

And we still talked a bunch, and it was great, and as soon as I thought I was making some actual headway in finally getting somewhere with this boy, he dates my then best friend, RF.  RF, who knew I liked him.  He chose her, not me.  And it broke my fucking heart.

But I was going to be the bigger person, I was going to still be his friend and her friend, and it was going to work out, is what I told myself when we still talked with the level of intimacy about one another as we did.  And yes, that does have something of a double meaning.

I was essentially helping him cheat with my best friend, and it took me a year to realize this.

He went away to college and RF and I finished our first year of high school.  And they were still together for her first year of college.

And we still sometimes chatted in that exceedingly intimate way (thinking about how old I was when these conversations happened makes me cringe a little.  Like, no, 15-17 year olds should NOT be talking about that kind of stuff.  but that's just because I'm older now).  And then I started putting my foot down.  This was sometime near when I met GL and we became friends.  2010(11?)ish.

And it took me a really long time, even after that, to completely cut off contact, because we were still being inappropriate for a boy and a girl when one of them is in a relationship, and he was still in a fucking relationship with my former best friend.  Like, really?

So I cut off all contact.  Defriended him on Facebook, "Lost" his number, never went on iChat again, that kind of thing.

And I kept it up for a whole fucking year (2011, definitely 2011).  I didn't stop thinking about him, or wondering about him the whole time, but I wasn't going to initiate contact again.  I couldn't do it a third (fourth?  I don't know, too many times) time.  I couldn't put myself through the emotional turmoil.

And when my thoughts went from angry and hurt, but still fond, to a little bitter, but willing to be friends again, I added him back on Facebook.

We still didn't speak anymore, but now I could see what he was up to, and he seemed pretty happy.  I wondered for like five months whether he and RF were still together (I'd defriended her too, because I just am not that masochistic), but I didn't initiate contact.  I was determined not to.

Then, in December, I went to a concert my sister's choir was putting on for Christmas (and other wintery holidays).  And afterwards she was like "Yeah, NT is here."  And my heart started pitterpattering against my ribcage and I was like "What, no, he can't be?!"  And she was like "Yeah, over there." And she pointed and told me where to look but I am short, and I was looking for a man I had not physically seen in over a year and a half.

And I found him almost immediately.  I made her come along to say hello because I couldn't make myself do it.  If it were up to me, I wouldn't have done anything.  I would have walked right on by, blushing with my heart pounding, and he never would have even known I was there.

But I took KW with me, and we walked up and I tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around and saw who I was his whole face lit up and he hugged me and, I'll let you in on something, blooger (Blogger, thanks...I'm leaving it in there because that was a hilarious typo and I almost didn't catch it.  You're welcome), he gives the BEST hugs.  Like, every time.

And then we caught up a little, and when I left I told him not to be a stranger.  And I was so glad I'd made an effort not to look like I'd had work that morning and was running on half an energy drink and hopes and dreams.

And then I broke my rule, a few days later, that rule where I do. Not. Initiate. Contact. Anymore.  I sent him a Facebook message, and because I am still all of 12 developmentally, I freaked out for like an hour before even composing it and for about 15 minutes before sending it, and then for the whole rest of the time after that before he replied.  I'm so dumb.  I swear.

And then he responded and we made arrangements for an outing.  And then we went on our outing.  Originally for coffee at a local coffee shop, but because I'm an idiot, I forgot to check their hours for the holiday season while all of the students are gone, so I get there and they're closed and I'm just like 'Of fucking course.  I try and make a good impression, try and get him to see what he's been missing by passing me up all this time, and I pick the one place in town that has delicious coffee and it's closed'.  But he was real good about it, he came and picked me up (because I'd walked because I could, because it was close) and we tried our next option, which was equally as closed, if not moreso.  And I was just like "I'm such an idiot" and he kept saying it was fine, but I really still don't think it was.  I should have been more prepared for these things.

So our third backup plan was we would try and find this Dunkin Donuts he'd been to the last time he was in town, and I was like "We have a Dunkin Donuts?"  but we found it in a gas station (which was fortunate because he apparently needed gas), and it wasn't shitty, and we took it back to my place because it was cold and there was no where to sit down any place convenient, and we sat on the couch-thing that is my bed (I have very little furniture, but it does convert into a couch-type-object to sit on) and watched Futurama and exchanged footrubs and backrubs because that's what I do for people I like. Friends, family, if you put yourself within reach of my hands, I will give you a foot rub or back rub.  He was just nice enough to return the favor (first time THAT's happened).  And I think I win but that's because I have magic hands.


What was the point?  Oh yeah, okay, so...I really like him, and he does things like the above and I feel like he likes me too.  We'll see each other when he's in town (sometimes), and it's always the same.  I can't believe no one can tell how fast my heart is beating, and he gives me the best hugs in the world, and then we leave and then nothing.

And I'm pretty sure at this point he just doesn't like me like that.  Which is fine, it's totally and completely fine.  But it sucks, because why is it I have to feel like this -- all this joy, elation, devastation, regret, pain, hurts, oh but it's so good -- when he pretends like I don't exist when I'm not in eyesight of him.  I mean, that's just what it feels like, I don't really know what he does or does not do, and I'm being very unfair, but it's because I'm hurt.  Which is no excuse, but other people get to use it, so why shouldn't I?

And I just...I want him to like me, I do.  But I don't think he does (no matter WHAT KW thinks she sees...she's equally romantic but she's wrong).  And I need to start accepting that I can't have him like that and we can be friends, and friends are fine.  Friends is just going to have to be good enough because I'm not...I'm just not subjecting myself to the psychological torture of having to go through telling him AGAIN that I do indeed find him attractive, and I would like it very much if he would just get a move on and ask me out for a proper date.  I will help plan it, but he has to want it to be a date, too.  He has to ask.  I'm not doing it again.  Not with him, anyway.  Because I can't do it anymore.

Your turn, babe.


I'm never going to whine about how blah blah blah no one likes me blah blah blah I like him blahblahblah I'm so lonely whaaaaaa again.  Because it's done.  I'm over it.  No more.

If you want to talk to me, just do it.  I'm likely not going to initiate contact with anyone for a while because I'm just...done.  The thought of it makes me mildly angry and more than a little nervous.

So yeah.  I'll talk to you when you want to talk to me, but not before.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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