Monday, November 18, 2013

Another Tale of My Romantic Exploits, You're Welcome

You can tell I'm pretty content with life because I rarely post anymore. I'm very prolific if I have a lot of shit to work through. I guess that's a good thing, right?

It doesn't help I acquired a Tumblr account, so that's kind of my main blogging site now. No, you're not getting the URL unless you already have it.

I'm supposed to be doing work, but it's slow going, and I'm unmotivated to do what is on my list. I was being very productive earlier, and then we got like 10 million calls and it threw off my groove.

I've been busy, doing things, not doing things, getting things done. The usual. Work's going really well, I'm just not...very good at self-motivation, and the things I do are kind of tedious. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not very helpful for wanting to get work done.

I've learned something about myself recently, by the way. A number of things, actually. Like, I'm not allowed to drink by myself because it makes me feel ill, and also I don't like gin as much as I thought I did. Well, let me rephrase that, I only like gin in certain drinks and if it's not in those drinks it's terrible.  I also am not in any kind of need of a romantic relationship at this point in my life.

That was a jump wasn't it? Take your time and let the change of subject sink in if you need to.

Over the summer I moved to a new place with new roommates, and all is well with them. We're down to just three of us now, two guys and me. They're both very friendly, very nice guys. I feel comfortable sharing a house with them.

Apparently I felt comfortable enough to try exploring romantic entanglements with one of them.  It was short-lived, as most of my explorations into this particular aspect of life are. We hung out more and kissed a bit for a few days. Nothing crazy. Had dinner once.

And as we sat at a table in a hookah bar two towns over, and he freaked out over telling our mutual roommate and his best friend that we're trying out dating one another, it occurred to me that if he's not willing to tell someone who would be directly affected if anything happened between us because he happens to live in the same house as us, then what else would he be unwilling to say something about if it came up? Would I be left in the dark about important things a lot? Was this usual for him? After saying something about it to our roommate when the other one was gone to get food or something, idk, it didn't seem like that was common. But what if I was something to be kept secret?

I'm not exactly fond of that idea, as it turns out.

So I took a couple of days for myself, thinking the matter over, coming to my own conclusions -- while at the same time attempting to stay away from over-thinking it. And I actually did a really good job. I kept it rational and level-headed. I looked at the situation from both my perspective and from an outside perspective, and I tried to keep his side out of the way, because I don't know how he would react; I haven't really known him that long. And in the end, I have to make a decision that's going to be best for me. And I think I've finally done it. It helped that he took it really well when I talked it over with him, and he wasn't upset or anything. That was very rewarding.

And it occurred to me, after it was done and over with, that there was this giant weight lifted off of me from it. All I had to do was come to the conclusion that a romantic entanglement is not something I need nor desire in my life right now. And you know what, freedom is kind of nice. The freedom to stare longingly at an attractive man from across a crowded room and then look away quickly if he in any way turns towards my general direction, the freedom to contemplate what a relationship with a celebrity would be like, the freedom to explore the world around me without a romantic haze on everything.

Do you know how hard it is to look at things with a romantic haze on? It's like when your glasses fog up after opening the oven to get a batch of cookies out. You need to reach into the dark scary hot thing for the delicious prize, but you can't see anything because your glasses were too cold and now are all opaque, and you giggle because it's funny and it always happens but you still want the cookies, you just can't see them and...

Where was I going with that?  Oh who cares.

The point is, I'm not ready. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know what I want, and I want to take some time and explore that. The problem is that I automatically assume exclusive, even when it's super early. And I need to step away from that, realize that I have some wiggle room in today's society. And that I can be whatever I am as long as I figure out what that is first.

Thanks for going on this journey with me today. Hopefully I won't be ages and ages before your next update, but I make no promises.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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