Wednesday, May 1, 2013

So it's Wednesday.

I've got a place to live (I think I already mentioned this last time).  The people who are to be my landlords (aristocracy? landaristocracy? am I a serf? or just a squatter who pays? I've confused myself) are wonderful and it helps I already know them.  I'm meeting with them tomorrow to see the place and meet the fellows who are going to be my roommates (okay, that second half might only be a possibility.  at the very least I'll be seeing the place.  I trust R and S though, and I know they take great pride in the house).

I've been having really weird dreams about kids recently.  Weird in that kids feature and that I'm taking care of them.  I've been serving a very motherly, comforting role in my dreams recently is what I'm trying to get at here.  And it's strange because that doesn't normally happen.  Like, I rarely dream about babies, or people who need me to hug and comfort them, and when I do, normally I'm not actually helpful and the baby/toddler/other person isn't actually comforted and sometimes gets worse.

It's also strange because I'm really not in a place to have kids, or be taking care of kids.  I don't even have any prospects yet for a potential boyfriend because I don't really want one right now and I have a very negative view towards men who are interested in me or whom I am interested in.  And I'm also pretty damn sure I'm under some sort of definition of asexual, because while I have a sex-drive (sorry if that's TMI, but you're still reading, so I don't actually care), I've never been aroused by a person before. I mean, I've said things that I think people have interpreted me to have been sexually aroused, or stimulated by certain human beings, but I've never...

I've only ever felt that way when I read naughty fan fiction, and sometimes even then, only when there are very detailed descriptions of the way they feel. Sex to me is very emotional, I don't think I could actually perform if I were with someone I didn't trust implicitly.

So maybe it's not that I'm wanting kids with a particular person (though if I got to choose anyone in the entire world, I'd pick Benedict Cumberbatch because he would love the everliving FUCK out of those children, seriously the man needs all the children because he wants them so bad), but that my biological clock has kicked in and because I'm 21 and this is what happens in my family (documented evidence, check my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY) I want kids because, boom, hormones.

Isn't there a way to get rid of all of my hormones?  Like, they just cause so much trouble, what with that "womanly time" and then sex, and wanting kids, and then, oh hey, so you're done with being in your sexual prime, now you get to have fucking menopause.  Like who even thought this shit up?  It's too much trouble.

I don't know.  If you're new here and this is the first post you see from me, I'm almost sorry, but this is what I do.  I complain about my biological functions and my emotions because this is my diary and you get to have an all access pass because why the fuck not.

I'd say it's a sign, but I really don't want it to be.  No thank you, subconscious/dreams.  I'm not ready. Keep your wants to yourself, thanks.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

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