Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Okay, Fine, A Rant It Is...

Look, I'm fine with people having a different opinion than myself.  In fact, I encourage it, because it leads to interesting debate and diversity of thought and growth among our society.

But if you're trying to make a goddamn point, please use a method that doesn't tear down others.  Satire is fine, but remember that it's satire and not an insult-comedy night.  Not that I have anything against insult-comedy, but there are some places it shouldn't be used.  Like in a serious issue.

I just...It irritates me when I see people misuse satire.  Because I'm a fan.  I'm a big fan if it's done right. I'm not saying I'm proficient in it by any means, but sarcasm and irony have always held a spot close to my heart, and Satire brings eloquent words into the mix.  And you know me and words.  If you have a big enough vocabulary, you could probably get me to do just about anything.

But Satire is not the base mocking of a person and their beliefs.  Which is what I see labeled as satire mostly these days.  It's just not.  That is insult comedy and is fun for cheap laughs at a dive bar, but not a media in which you should be expressing your opinion if you wish to be taken seriously by anyone outside of your opinion.

I've never understood the draw behind political cartoons.  I really don't.  I get that other people like them and think they are a funny, eloquent way of expressing a disdain for a particular belief or side of an issue.

However, what they say to me is that it's okay to mock others openly, just because you don't agree with what someone else thinks.  And I don't think that's right or fair.  Because no matter which side it comes from, it is offensive, and someone's going to get their knickers in a twist, retaliate, and then the original side who came out with the cartoon will get offended right back.

Where is the fucking sense in that?  No, no one's going to get along all of the time, but for Fuck's Sake, people, can't we try and have an adult conversation about our beliefs without it degenerating into name calling and vicious mocking?  Please?

Are we not all adults here?  Because the last time I checked, I think all of us are.  We just never act like it.

Again, satire is fine, the expression of differing beliefs is fine.

Outright mockery and debasement and plain irreverence for something another person holds dear to themselves as you hold dear to yourself is not.

Remember that the people on the other side of the argument probably have pretty good reasons for being there -- just like you have pretty good reasons for being on your side of the argument.

Now, because I understand not everyone is going to feel this way, have at.  Run me through.  I dare you.

Might even laugh, who knows.  But for GODS SAKE, please just use your WORDS.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Monday, May 27, 2013

Wine Stakeout

Been putting off updating for a while.  Had a couple good topics, but they ended up not going many places, so I never actually followed through.

I'm addicted to Restaurant Stakeout.  I've caught it a couple times at work, and I can't help but just watch.  It's like a trainwreck that ends well.  You watch these people just fail miserably at customer service, something I've always held myself to a high standard about so it really just rubs my buttons the wrong direction when I see it done wrong.  (Note: I don't actually notice if it's directed at myself being the customer, but I absolutely notice if I'm serving, or if I'm watching someone else get poor service).  And it's just...ahgh...

Since I don't have cable connected to the TV in my room (and, honestly, don't really want it), I'm watching it on YouTube.  Which is, like, my favorite thing ever, YouTube is.  You can find anything you need.

I'm waiting to hear back from my first choice as far as a new job goes.  I've been lazy and haven't been going out and searching for any other jobs, but that's going to change.

I need to cut my fringe and dye my hair again.  The blonde is coming back and the brown is starting to fade.  I've got another box, I'm just not motivated right now.  Honestly, I need a whole damn haircut, but I'm mildly terrified of doing it myself, but I'm trying to be good and save my money so I'm not going to go and get it done just yet.  (although, $20 bucks isn't that much, and that includes tip)

I need new glasses, too.  Rather, new lenses.  These will hold out for a little while, but still.

There's your update on my life.  It's short, but...well, there's just not really a whole lot going on right now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Adult, Big-girl Decisions.

I made one today.

I gave my two-weeks notice at the hotel I work at.

Reasons why I'm quitting (in case anyone cares)***

-- Too much misinformation.  A good example: what I left this evening.  I was told via email from the GM that I was to show up this evening for bar shift.  Fine, no big deal.  This was Thursday.  He had three days to correct me.  I came in this evening (not really wanting to, obviously, as I've been over this whole thing for, like, months) only to find out I wasn't even on the schedule for tonight, and therefore superfluous.  Which brings me to my next bullet point.

-- Perceived under-appreciation.  I only say perceived because honestly, I have no gage to compare this job to.  But frankly, I feel like I'm worked harder than a lot of other people are, for a lot less time, and a lot less money.  And I'm never told if I'm doing a good job.  I'm only ever told I'm doing something wrong, and that's after I've been doing it wrong.  Again, segueing into my next bullet point.

-- Lack of communication that's never resolved.  I've brought it up with the management several times more than I think I should have to, and it's obviously a problem they know about (as they've flat out told me a couple times).  No one talks to one another.

-- Inconsistent hours/Unclear schedules.  I'm not asking for a set weekly schedule, I'm not even asking for full time (well, not at the time, anyway, I will be now), but it would be nice if I knew how long I was going to be at this place, or what day I could expect to be there.  Or even if they would honor the fact that I would like a specific day off.  But they don't.  I understand sometimes they can't, but when the day I've asked for off isn't a) busy or b) a day someone else couldn't take/I'm not needed for, I start wondering if maybe they just don't fucking care.

-- Lack of acceptance by my coworkers.  I've been there for almost two years.  I don't hang out with or know the people I work with outside of work.  Oh, they all know each other and hang out with each other (I hear there's a day they all go out for a drink together if they can, but damned if I know what day it is).  But I'm not invited.  I've only JUST started making "friends" with people.  Which mostly means they're friendlier to me than some of the other people I work with.

-- The hotel doesn't work as a team.  It's more like a bunch of different teams working for the same cause.  No one helps anyone else out.  If it's not on someone's checklist, they don't do it -- even if it needs to be done and they're the only one around who can take care of it.  There have been several times where I've done something that wasn't my duty because I saw it needed doing.  Hell, I'll even let people know I've done it.  But no one else that I can see does that.

-- I never felt as if I were working for the company.  I was always only working for the people directly above me.  I'm one of those people who just does as they're told.  I'm told it's a marketable skill.  But I'll be honest, the only thing that's kept me coming back these past few months has been the customers.  They're the bright point in my day when I work there.  They're the ones I enjoy being nice to.  And considering I trolled CustomersSuck.com before I started working, I was honestly expecting to have more hellish customers than I ever did.

-- While the managers at the hotel are lovely people, just really great, nice, friendly, personable - they are not good management.  They don't take care of problems in the staff, they don't handle the schedule, they just don't take care of things the way I was led to believe managers were supposed to be able to take care of things.

-- And the end-all-be-all is that this isn't the field I want to be in, long-term.  I want to be a bartender.  We don't have a full bar.  Can you see why this might be a problem for me?

I'm just done.  I'm so over all of this.

And if Dominos doesn't stop putting a fucking ranch container in my chicken wings when I SPECIFICALLY CLICK NO RANCH (I even pick a completely different sauce), I'm going to have to fucking complain.

Nope, said something in the comments section online.  We're good now.  I'll probably never hear back from them.

Ugh, I'm just...I'm so done.

Until next time, dear readers.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Crossroads and Turnstiles

I could have written song titles for an emo band.  They never hired me because they didn't know I was amazing.

Friday started out as a not so good day.  As I'm sure you all are aware.  Because that was the last time I updated my blog.  It didn't exactly start getting any better after I signed off, either.

I never got a call back from the mall Lost and Found, which is fine, because whoever took those things probably needed them.  Good for them.  I'm glad I could help.

I did manage to pull off a C in Microeconomics, which was good.  But I'll be honest, I was really dreading the marathon work weekend that was ahead of me at that time.

Let me break down my schedule for you, so you understand my mindset going into this past weekend.

I had work at 5:30pm on Friday.  I worked until 11.  Then I got to go home and sleep until 5:30am on Saturday, so I could go BACK INTO WORK at 6:30am.  I worked there until 12.  I got back home and then left again to be BACK AT WORK at 5:30pm Saturday night where I worked until 11, then had to drive ALL THE WAY HOME to get the fuck to sleep so I could get BACK TO WORK at 6:30am Sunday morning.  I worked 22 hours this weekend.  And if you're counting, that gave me about  17 hours to sleep and I'll tell you what, I didn't use all of them for sleeping.  Because ain't no way I was getting a proper nap during the afternoon hours.

So on my way to work on Friday, I was admittedly a little stressed out, very angry still about the whole lost-and-found ordeal, and frankly I'm fed up with the job that made me work 22 hours on the weekend after exams before I graduate AFTER I TOLD THEM I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO WORK ON THIS SOCIAL LIFE I'M ACCRUING.

So I yelled, and I screamed, and I raged, and I knew my emotions weren't blown out of proportion because I'd just eaten and usually that will quell most of the angry feelings I have.


And it suddenly hit me, not long after that paragraph, that I had, in a great rage of anger, called myself wonderful, and fantastic, and that, no, they absolutely do not deserve the fact that I work for them.  Because I am fucking amazing, and they don't appreciate it.  I was supposed to get a raise after my first year.  I got $0.25 cents more per hour.  I am not earning as much per hour as other people who have been there for a shorter amount of time.  I've worked at this job for almost 2 years now.  I know I'm not there day-in-and-day-out like other people, but my god, I am constantly smiling at the customer, even if they're pissing me off, or my co-workers are pissing me off.  And other people at this place will openly roll their eyes, talk about unrelated things in front of the customers, will disrespect the customers, will cut up in front of the customers, will not try to be nice to the customers, and I do.  In fact, the customers are the HIGHLIGHT of my day at work.

Which is not said very often AT ALL.  In fact, usually people complain about customers.  But I'm like, no the customers are the reason you have a fucking job, please be grateful they are even deigning to stand in front of you with your sassy, know-it-all attitude and your thinly-veiled contempt for the very air they are breathing.

And I'm only exaggerating a little bit on the part of my coworkers.

But the point here is that, usually, when I'm upset, and angry and even if it's not my fault that I'm upset or angry, or if there is nothing in my power to change anything I've done, I put myself down.  I tear into myself and I make myself feel like absolute shit.

And I didn't.  I didn't do that.  In fact, I built myself up, and I realized I'm not a shitty human being.  And I have NEVER done this before.  This is a breakthrough in that whole "love yourself and you can love others more" thing.

I recently confessed to a small group of people that I had managed to convince myself that very few people genuinely liked me.  Every single time I tell people this, they give me a funny look.  And intellectually I knew I was wrong.  I knew it couldn't be true.  Didn't mean I didn't believe it, though.

And yeah, okay, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not a social pariah.  People do genuinely like me and want to hang out with me.  And that is frankly fucking amazing.

I don't know you guys.  It's been three days and I STILL think I'm bloody fantastic, it hasn't gone away or been over-powered by doubts and anxiety.  I'm not sure what to do with all of this information here.

But I want you all to know that I appreciate that you've stuck with me through my very slow process of believing I'm not complete shit.  If you're out there, reading this, and think something is wrong with you, or think that no one likes you, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and that I will tell you you are wrong, and that I like you.  I think you're amazing, and wonderful, and I don't care if you don't believe me because I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.

Thanks for being here for me.  I was almost going to say I didn't know what I would have done without you, but at the same time, I realize I probably would have kept updating anyway, because this shit is cathartic for me.  Writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and anxieties and worries and troubles and then just putting them out there, for someone, anyone to stumble across one day, that's what keeps me writing.  I've never kept up with any kind of journal or diary (or blog) like I've kept up with this, and it's mostly because I can't put anything as private.  All of it goes out into the world.  Every single word I write.  And it's amazing.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Friday, May 10, 2013

I Really Just Want To Cry Right Now

I'm so pissed off and frustrated.

Let me explain.

No, it's too long, let me sum up.

I bought a wallet, 3 Mother's Day cards and 2 packs of note cards yesterday.  I left the bag in the bathroom before I left.  I remembered I'd left it there 2 hours after the mall had closed.  I came back this morning, mall management didn't have it in their lost and found, the sent me to Hallmark where I'd gotten the cards.  Hallmark didn't have it, they sent me to maintenance.  I didn't know where maintenance was.  I checked back in at the mall management lost and found, they said if Maintenance had it, it would be there.

I spent $45 dollars yesterday and now I have nothing to show for it, and I'm pissed off because no one knows who would have it, and none of them have it anyway. And I had all of my Mother's Day cards done.  I was done, I didn't have to do anything but personalize them and if someone took the bag and didn't turn it in anywhere, I mean, I hope they like all that shit I bought for them because I certainly did.

I mean, who fucking does that anyway.  I understand, like, change on the floor, or barrettes and bobby pins, or, like, little things like that, if you didn't turn them in.  But a whole fucking bag of someone's purchases.

I better get a call from the mall lost and found today or I might throw a fit.

All this on top of me feeling like shit this morning (seriously, if I didn't have as strong of a gag suppression system as I do...), the fact that I'm not going to get more than maybe 11 hours of sleep over the next two days, I'm stressed over graduation going well because my whole fucking family is coming in to see it and they're gonna be pissed because they have no choice but to be in an auxiliary room.

And I still can't make anyone happy.  Not even myself.  I just...
I just want to cry, but I can't because I'm at fucking school in an attempt to finish all of my microeconomics tests before the end of today (or before 5:30 because that's when I start my marathon work weekend).

I'm just tired and angry and frustrated and I want the whole world to just end.

Until Next Time,

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Sometimes I Hate Being a Woman

No, this isn't about menstrual cycles or hormones or dresses and make up or anything like that.

I am a stereotypical woman with my car.  I don't drive well, I can't park, and I certainly don't know how my car actually works.

(Magic is still the winning option so far.)

And the kicker is that I have a used car with quite a good number of miles on it.  And very little money to get what I needed done on it done.

I'm part of the lucky contingent of 1st-world people whose parents still help them out with things like healthcare and car maintenance.  Mostly because they're friends with our mechanic, and not myself.  (Not that he's not friendly, just that, well, he's a male authority figure and I'm terrified of authority figures as a general rule).

Anyway, so I have a light come on in my car today, and I'm behind on getting my oil changed, and my exhaust pipe needs to get replaced, and a lot of other things, so I'm like, a little freaked out, but at the same time, I'm kind of like, it came on, and went back off again.  It can't be that serious.  So I get to where I was headed, and luckily there's a Sears here with an automotive center and I'm like, cool, I probably just need oil, I'll get some there and refill it.

And then I look up what the light means on google and I start freaking the fuck out.

It's not a serious light unless it stays on while you drive, but it's not one of those lights you can just ignore, either, like the "Change oil soon" light or the "Washer Fluid" light.  And so I'm like, mildly panicking because I cannot handle this right now, I have a lot of shit happening all at once and when I get busy, I get really stressed out because I cannot handle not having time to do things.  I just can't.  I'm absolute shit at not having any time for relaxation, or plans changing, or emergencies.  I always plan for that kind of time, and this next week is not gong to allow for that at all.

So I'm a little stressed out, as you can imagine.  And my study buddy comes in and she's like "no, it's just a warning, we'll get you some oil in your car and everything will be fine." and it helps a whole bunch, and then I go out and make sure I actually need oil, and it turns out I do and that's what the problem is, and I just need to relax because I'm not going to die, nothing's gone wrong yet, and I still have plenty of time to screw things up.

But I wish I wouldn't panic every time this kind of thing happens to me.  I wish I had the ability to just be like, Okay, no here's how we handle this situation, get a move on, everything's going to be fine.  Like the men I know in my life.

But in reality, I understand very few guys these days even know how cars work (magic? voodoo? praying to gods unknown?  Transformers, robots in disguise?) and so I'm likely to be left even more confused and worried than reassured and confident that things will be fixed.

Ah well.

Until next time, dear readers

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Look at you lucky people!

Two days in a row I post something.  I'm on FIRE.

Haha, or waiting for that study buddy again.  She's nice, but we're still new to each other, and it comes across loud and clear sometimes in the way we attempt to navigate social protocols, etc.

Well, she navigates them and I flounder uselessly at the surface until I remember how similar situations are handled in movies and television.  They wouldn't be in the media if they weren't based on something in reality, right?


Okay, so I wanted to actually mention something that I probably touched on yesterday (about new crush SZ who I Facebook stalked today and so now he's going to be ZD for Zazzy Dude because I'm awesome).  And I don't explain things very well, but I want to try.

What first drew me to him was a) he's super freakin' attractive.  Face shape is symmetrical, he's got huge shoulders and arms, but he's not lacking in other areas, fitness wise. He's not tall, but he's not shorter than I am, so we're good on that front.  b) he's smart.  He's a business major, he wears glasses sometimes, but he usually wears contacts because apparently he's about as blind if not more blind than I am (why do I consistently find really attractive men who cannot see?), he does some nerdy things, but he likes sports too.  He's tidier than other guys and willing to help with housework.

And here's the kicker.  On Sunday, there was a big shindig for the group I hang out with (I've mentioned it a couple times, it's where I know him from, even though we really haven't hung out much, all I've told you is all I've learned about him while we were hanging out).  Lots of people.  More than half of which I did not know.  And if you know anything about me, you know that I am really not very good at these types of events.  Luckily I had a buddy, who I'm going to call MM for Marvelous Miss.  (I'm gonna need to do an name update post if I keep meeting people!)  We both are not large fans of lots of people in small spaces.  Which is what happened at this party/cookout thing.  So we kind of migrated to the emptier of the rooms as the night went on, alternately planning a drinking night for after exams and complaining that no one was leaving.

We're not very good at parties, but where was I going with this?  Oh yes, so we'd step outside, we'd head upstairs to her room, we'd be in the kitchen for, like, ever, we even went to the basement and folded clothes because there was just no where else to go where you weren't shoved into awkward social situations with people you have very little in common with except a vague belief in a deity with varying levels of intensity of that belief.

But at one point, after about half of the extra people had left and there was a little more room to breathe, and the life-sized jenga had been put away, we wandered into the foyer to pass ZD his folded clothes, and then MM goes back into the kitchen and I'm watching them put away the jenga set and ZD turns to me and we've been exchanging smiles and extended looks for a couple weeks now, but he says "Where'd you go? You disappeared."

I played it off like the cool person I am (which involved hunched shoulders and a sheepish grin as I awkwardly made a joke about my innate camouflage ability I made up on the spot), but I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

That has never happened before at a party.  NEVER.  EVER.  I've even TRIED.  I'll step off without telling anyone I've left and come back and no one was the wiser.

I hadn't even really spoken to ZD all night and he NOTICED I WAS GONE.

And this isn't even mentioning the fact that last week he hadn't been at the group thing (not unusual, busy guy, what with the fraternity and business classes, etc.) (I also wasn't terribly upset about it because I ended up crying because I cannot handle the world right now, and it's been really stressful for the past little while because I want everyone to be happy and I can't actually do that, but the point is that I wouldn't have wanted him to have seen that, because I don't cry pretty) but he came back before I left (like, five to ten minutes before) and BioGuy (Do you even remember him?  He's gonna be GJ For Good Job because that's all he can really do is a Good Job.  not a great one, not an awesome one, just a good one.  he's adorable and I've officially/unofficially declared him to be my younger brother so that he can be KW's honorary older brother and I have someone who will be able to help her out if I'm more than five to ten minutes away from campus) had just left to go sleep or eat or watch television or talk to his girlfriend or something, and so I was on my way out the door, and ZD and I are still in the kitchen and he kind of wanders over to the door as I'm walking out and I still feel kind of shitty but I've gotten past the stage where I can't hide it so I can hide it and I don't look terrible anymore (not good, but not bad either), and as I'm stepping through the door, he goes "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't here tonight" and I was just like, he didn't say that to anyone else, why is he telling me?  What?  and I, again, play it off like the cool person I am and I say "No problem, next time, right?" and it occurs to me later than he maybe wanted to hang out with me more.

This was supported by his actions at the shindig which, when more people had left and it was pretty much just the people who live in the house plus me and three other people, (so...six of us I guess is the number I'm looking for), he hung out in the kitchen and chatted with me and MM.

And I don't know enough about him to know if that's how he acts with every girl, or not, but he just...

He's moving out of that house, but I don't know if he's graduating or not, and if he is I don't know if I'll ever see him anymore, and I'm like -- you couldn't have shown an interest in me BEFORE now?  REALLY?!?

I don't even know if he is showing an interest.  I'm just--

Why are guys so complicated?

Study buddy is still not here yet, so I'm gonna write some more, but I'm going to change the subject because you all really probably don't care about my crushes.

It's 3:14.  Time for pi.  Too bad I really don't want to work with circles or math.

Okay, I give up, I've sat here for like 2 minutes after writing that last sentence and I haven't thought of anything else to say.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

Monday, May 6, 2013

Monday, Rainy Monday

I'm waiting for my study buddy again.  She's at work, and I found one of the only free computers in the hall.  She'll be here shortly, but I'm lazy and don't want to get started on the work until she's here.

That's kind of been the theme of getting my work done this semester. I could, but I really don't want to unless I have to.

In other news, I have found a potential new crush -- We'll call him SZ because up until last night I wasn't entirely sure whether his first initial was S or Z.  It's Z, in case you were wondering. (They aren't even moderately similar names, it's kind of hilarious).

And I kind of feel like that awkward, nerdy teenager again (except for the teenager bit, not entirely off the mark), because I'm like, he's cute, and he pays me a little bit of attention, and we have interesting conversations, and I'm just like...You should like me, I'm cute, and I think you're cute, and you don't think I'm repulsive, and isn't that the basis for almost every relationship when you start out?  It makes me feel a little desperate, I'll be honest with you guys.

We'll see if I don't shoot this one down before it gets off the ground and go from there. 

Also, I met one of my future roommates.  He's a nice guy.  I don't think I'm going to be upset about this decision.  And he's ridiculously not either of my two types. So that's a good start.  None of that "fancying your roommate" nonsense I really don't need any part of.

I had a dream last night about Benedict Cumberbatch.  This doesn't usually happen, which is why you get to hear about it.  We were either running a con or we were in disguise for some other reason, but regardless, I knew he wasn't French, and I'm very obviously not French, and so we were practicing some French phrases so he could sound more convincing.  And we did, and I had no idea what he was saying, but I was responding with what little French I know, and I kept having to not say it in what little Spanish I know (It's hard because the little French and the little Spanish are all the same phrases).  And we were awesome, and in a museum and then I got a Cumberhug.  It was great.

(You're welcome to judge me for the use of Cumberhug.  And any other phrases I use involving the word Cumberbatch in any way, shape, or form.  Just don't let on that you're judging me for it, because that will just end up with me being really embarrassed and completely shunning you for the rest of the day)

And it was refreshing not to dream about children or babies or anything like that.  That it happened to be a celebrity I crush on intermittently was an extra plus.  I really don't do that.

Or if I do, it's the kind of dreams I don't get to remember.  Which is most of them.

Study buddy will be a while.  Which is fine.

What else to tell you guys about....

It's dawning on me that if I just put myself out there, I won't always get shot down and forgotten about.  Surprisingly, people actually like me.  Which I find to be completely strange and weird, but I'm definitely not against, mind, it's just...for whatever reason I find it unusual.  I mean, I know the reason I find it unusual, but it doesn't make me feel it any less. 

I just...it's difficult when you expect people to just not think about you, and to not notice you.  Especially when for a very long time it wasn't exactly an unfounded expectation.  And it allowed me to convince myself that very few people actually liked me.  So I have made an effort to be as unassuming, unoffensive, and totally friendly as I possibly can when I interact with people, because maybe I could change that they don't like me.  And I guess it's worked, but it's worked to such an extent that I can also let myself relax a little and become a little snarkier and a little bitchier (not a lot, I'm not a mean person) and just be myself around people and they like that even more, and I'm just sitting here like, would that really have been so easy if I'd just done it from the start?

And I'm starting to realize it would have been. 

And that's kind of a big revelation for me.  Apparently people just like me and it's WEIRD.  And I'm just trying to wrap my head around it and it doesn't always work, but it's starting to, and I don't want to keep saying it, because I feel like I'll sound conceited, but mostly it's just so I'll start to believe that it's actually happening.

I don't know, you guys.  I may have stepped into the twilight zone a bit.  But if the twilight zone is like this, I really don't mind it and I'm gonna start looking for real estate if it keeps up.

Thanks for letting me ramble at you.  I still can't quite believe more than just GL reads this, but it's true and I appreciate every single one of you.  I really do.


Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Same day, different post

Okay, so actually I wasn't done...Well, I was, but with that particular stream of consciousness.

I'm bored, in other words, and need something to do that isn't reading a story that will inevitably make me cry because I am in public and that shit just don't fly with me.

I could write some more of one of my stories, but let's face it, I'm not going to.

I forgot to mention something in my earlier blog, and it's kind of a big deal.

My roommates' dog, Rufus, was put down today.  He started having seizures at about 5:30 yesterday evening. None of us knew what was going on at first, but they took him to the vet at around 6 or so.  Probably didn't get there until 6:30.  He didn't respond to the treatment at the vet, so they took him to the Virginia Tech animal hospital.  They left him there overnight at around 10:30.

At 7:30 this morning, they learned that he'd actually gotten worse, going into cardiac arrest with continued seizures whenever they let him breathe on his own.  So they decided to put him down.

And yeah, he was an annoying dog who whined at all hours of the night and day, and whenever the fuck he wanted.  But he was sweet, and otherwise a good dog.  And it was obviously very scary for him.  He was young too.

We're guessing he ate something toxic when he ran off yesterday.  He was only gone for 15 minutes, but dogs eat things they're not supposed to much faster than that all of the time.  We're not sure what it was, or why it wasn't able to leave his system.  But obviously it did a lot of damage to his little body in the time he'd ingested it.

And that's how my day started.

I mean, it's not exactly been a terrible day, but it's never fun when you wake up to someone crying because their dog died.

So there's that.

And of course, I've still got those strange baby/child/taking care of people dreams going on, and I'd had one or three last night, which is why you got to hear about it today.  (Hear, read, same thing)

And I just...I want to make things better for everyone, and I'm (for whatever reason) still having to learn that I cannot do this.  It is not physically possible for me to make everything okay for everyone.  I would explode before I was able to make that even moderately possible.

And it doesn't make it suck any less, realizing this.

Ugh, this is not a happy day.  Not a bad day, mind, but not happy.

Sorry y'all

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

So it's Wednesday.

I've got a place to live (I think I already mentioned this last time).  The people who are to be my landlords (aristocracy? landaristocracy? am I a serf? or just a squatter who pays? I've confused myself) are wonderful and it helps I already know them.  I'm meeting with them tomorrow to see the place and meet the fellows who are going to be my roommates (okay, that second half might only be a possibility.  at the very least I'll be seeing the place.  I trust R and S though, and I know they take great pride in the house).

I've been having really weird dreams about kids recently.  Weird in that kids feature and that I'm taking care of them.  I've been serving a very motherly, comforting role in my dreams recently is what I'm trying to get at here.  And it's strange because that doesn't normally happen.  Like, I rarely dream about babies, or people who need me to hug and comfort them, and when I do, normally I'm not actually helpful and the baby/toddler/other person isn't actually comforted and sometimes gets worse.

It's also strange because I'm really not in a place to have kids, or be taking care of kids.  I don't even have any prospects yet for a potential boyfriend because I don't really want one right now and I have a very negative view towards men who are interested in me or whom I am interested in.  And I'm also pretty damn sure I'm under some sort of definition of asexual, because while I have a sex-drive (sorry if that's TMI, but you're still reading, so I don't actually care), I've never been aroused by a person before. I mean, I've said things that I think people have interpreted me to have been sexually aroused, or stimulated by certain human beings, but I've never...

I've only ever felt that way when I read naughty fan fiction, and sometimes even then, only when there are very detailed descriptions of the way they feel. Sex to me is very emotional, I don't think I could actually perform if I were with someone I didn't trust implicitly.

So maybe it's not that I'm wanting kids with a particular person (though if I got to choose anyone in the entire world, I'd pick Benedict Cumberbatch because he would love the everliving FUCK out of those children, seriously the man needs all the children because he wants them so bad), but that my biological clock has kicked in and because I'm 21 and this is what happens in my family (documented evidence, check my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY) I want kids because, boom, hormones.

Isn't there a way to get rid of all of my hormones?  Like, they just cause so much trouble, what with that "womanly time" and then sex, and wanting kids, and then, oh hey, so you're done with being in your sexual prime, now you get to have fucking menopause.  Like who even thought this shit up?  It's too much trouble.

I don't know.  If you're new here and this is the first post you see from me, I'm almost sorry, but this is what I do.  I complain about my biological functions and my emotions because this is my diary and you get to have an all access pass because why the fuck not.

I'd say it's a sign, but I really don't want it to be.  No thank you, subconscious/dreams.  I'm not ready. Keep your wants to yourself, thanks.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers