Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Charlie Brown Complex

I haz it.

If you don't understand what I mean (and it's fine, none of you actually live in my head and therefore would not likely know what I was talking about until I explained at least half of it), a Charlie Brown Complex is based off of one of the serial strips of Peanuts, wherein Charlie Brown states that he's afraid to feel happy about anything because every time he does, something goes wrong.

I have that.  However, it's not like it's totally unfounded.  As I'm sure you remember my post from last week (if not, it's just the next post back.  Should be fairly easy to find) I was very happy about many things in my life going very well.  Namely, having found a place to live so I didn't have to househunt anymore for next year.

As you can imagine based on the overarching theme of this post right here, this has fallen through rather spectacularly.  (Well, I say that, and I'm exaggerating a little.  In order for it to have fallen through spectacularly, something like an explosion or something equally as catastrophic and quite incredible would have had to happen.  But it kind of feels like the whole thing blew up in my face, so I'll continue using the word spectacularly)

I'm not going into the details because they aren't terribly important.  Main thing is that I'm not moving there after all.  I'm still not entirely sure where I'm going to be when this lease ends, and the uncertainty is killing me.

I mean, there's been an offer of a place, but frankly the uncertainty of the people offering it has left me less than confident about my chances, and I just can't afford to get my hopes up right now.  Because what goes up must come down and when I come down I come down HARD.  And it's not entirely pleasant, thanks very much.

I'm also running up against the end of the semester with very little of the required work done, and I need to fucking graduate this semester.  I'm quite behind and it's very stressful, but I only have myself to blame.  I could have had a lot more done if I'd just done it all.

So yeah...and I worry sometimes that my hypochondria affects me a lot more than I realize.  Like, life choices/decisions/etc. affects me.  And I really don't want it to.  Because I don't think I'm depressed, and I don't know if I'm somewhere on the asexual scale or not (there is a wide range of asexuality out there, and therefore I need to do research more thoroughly to make sure I'm not just latching onto the first thing I see that might maybe make sense).  I just...I'm struggling right now with a lot of things going on in my head, and the fact that I haven't had a day where I didn't do SHIT in a week and a half is wearing on me.  I've been going for two weeks without a day off.  14 days.  I'm not even joking.  Thirteen.  Fourteen.  I don't know.  Counting and Math are not my friends today.

And I just...I just...I'm going to get Thursday off and hopefully if GL schedule allows, I might go up and see her and do nothing with her for the day.

Ugh.  I don't know.  I need to...

Probably eat, but I'm not entirely sure if I really want to right now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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