Monday, August 27, 2012

A Post About A Post To Hide A Post

Since I have recently given this link to a fairly large number of people in the past few hours or so (well, okay, I put it in a slightly more accessible place, but it's highly unlikely that those people will actually check out this particular page) I figured I'd get the depressing stuff off the front page.

I've been listening to The Vespers for the past hour and a half or so.  They've got this incredible, haunting sound and their songs just hit home with me.  I'd go on about how I'd love to have a band and be a singer, but let's face it, I just don't have the voice for it.  You know, whatever.

The only way I'm able to listen to music non-stop these days is to draw or write while I listen (unless I'm driving).  And I've had the worst writer's block, so up until I started writing this, I was drawing.  I'm trying this abstract thing.  It works out okay, but I find myself a little limited by the fact that I don't have the color spectrum I'd like to use in the mediums I'd prefer to use.  But that's my own fault, so maybe the next time I'm at Wal*Mart I'll get some.

I'd actually written a post a few nights ago, and for some reason I was unable to post it or save it on here, and since it's not exactly completely relevant now, you might never get to see it (at least until the next time I open up my chat on Facebook and feel the same lack of courage).

I'm finding myself having to become very independent very quickly.  And yes, I do write that as a necessity.  I'd love to be codependent again, but alas, there is no one there for me to be codependent on, so I must stand on my own two feet through all my ups and downs.  It's not exactly easy.  Honestly, most days I feel like collapsing.  But I'm managing.  And I suppose that's the first step.

And I've been praying a lot recently, too.  It mostly looks like I'm talking out loud to myself, but that's because it is QUIET when you don't have anyone else to talk to but God.  So I've just started a running commentary to God.  I figure at the very least, it's gotta be somewhat amusing for Him.  He probably has a lot of sad prayers a lot, so if I'm giving something slightly ridiculous or redundant or obvious, He can at least chuckle a little and pat my spirit's head and say "oh you're so funny, keep going, I'm going to deal with this issue in Darfur or somewhere else very important in a lot of trouble, but I'm still listening." It's thinking like that that keeps me going, sometimes.  At least someone is, right?  Even when I'm all by myself, God's right there, listening to my little commentary about the world around me, no matter what it is.  And it's easier like that.

But it's helped me sleep better and helped me process my thoughts better, and I've come to several realizations recently about issues that previously didn't make any sense to me at all.  So it must be paying off, right?

I also quit smoking a few weeks ago.  It wasn't terribly difficult for me, but then again, I hadn't been smoking that long.  And I'll tell you what, I've noticed a 180° difference.  So if you can stick it out, do it.  It won't be easy, I'm not saying that, but you'll notice you feel better, and you can see the world in a whole new light.  (I'll only briefly touch on the fact that I even smoked is probably a revelation in and of itself to many of you, because I kept it quiet because it wasn't something I was proud of.  Which is a whole other reason to quit; if you aren't proud of it, and you deliberately hide it because you're ashamed, don't do it.)

As some of you might know already, my air conditioning in my car hasn't worked for the entire summer.  Which, admittedly wasn't always fun, but since most of the time I prefer to drive with my window down, having the A/C on is a little redundant in the first place, so it actually took a really long time to notice (and my Dad, and my best friend and anyone else who rode in my car, which isn't many which is why it took so long, to point it out).  So I managed, but I'm getting it fixed tonight.  Hopefully that's the only thing left to do on the Aluminum Falcon, other than the 3000 mile checkups that need to happen regardless, so that'll be nice.

What else?  there's gotta be other stuff that's happened since my last post that you all need to hear about...

Oh well, if there is anything, I guess I'll just put up another post.  I expect you can expect several of these throughout the semester, since this is one of my favorite things to do while waiting for class to start.  Of course, that might have to wait until the 10th, since my first class was cancelled and is now an online class, and my second class' professor will be out of town the rest of this week, then next week we have labor day and he'll be out of town that Wednesday too... So we'll see.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Ending the Dry Spell

with more sad teenage rambling from a young woman old enough to know better...Sorry about your luck.  I'll try and keep it sarcastic enough for you, but I'm making no promises.

I've learned that no one actually listens to me.  Oh, they say they do, and they certainly hear some of the things I say, but no one is listening.  If I'm not being spoken over, I'm getting no feedback whatsoever.  And I'm tired of it, frankly.

I know I don't always speak my mind, and I know I have a round-about way of talking about things.  Writing is a lot easier for me because I get more time to think through what I want to say and how to phrase it so people will understand me.  And verbal communication in person has always been difficult for me, mostly because what I want to say, I'm not allowed to because of social reasons.  I'm also less likely to  mispronounce something if I'm typing it rather than if I'm saying it.  That being said, you'd think I'd post on here more, but the truth is, because I've never been listened to, I find it hard to believe anyone would read what I write.

It might be why I haven't started on that book series in earnest yet.  Or it could be that I'm lazy, whatever.

It's why I don't tend to open up to people.  I can know someone for years and they'll not know a thing about me, because I don't say what I want to because I don't think they'd care enough to listen.  It'd be harder for me to believe if every time I tried to say something that I honestly believed in or thought, people wouldn't just ignore me, talk over me, or just not pay attention, then later say the exact same thing I just did, and not give me the credit for it.  Which hurts.  A lot.

I'd like to think the girl I've called my best friend for the past two years (almost three now) listens to me.  But sometimes I think she gets an idea in her head, and is too stubborn to actually listen to what I really mean.  Now, there's nothing wrong with that, since as I've mentioned SEVERAL times in these few paragraphs, I'm used to it, lots of people do it, nothing to be ashamed of.  But it still hurts.  And it's even worse because no one will ever let me explain what I really mean.  It takes me so long to sort through my thoughts and emotions that I can't actually hold a conversation with people, unless it's via text (either email, or texting) and no one will wait for me.  I feel like I'm being left behind in the conversation, in my life, in my relationships.

I'm losing hope on ever finding anyone who will listen to what I have to say and actually give me real feedback on what I'm telling them, as opposed to just responding to what they think I've said.  No one asks me questions, they just assume they know what I'm thinking.  I'm not that easy to read.  and no one really knows me.

It's hard, but I'm coming to terms with it.  I mean, I've lived with it for 20 years.  Might as well get used to it now, right?

And no one thinks I'm smart enough to have my own thoughts and opinions.  I'm not always well educated on the subject at hand, and that very often comes across, but people assume that because I don't know one subject, I don't know anything and they try and tell me how to live my life based on what they would do, because they don't think I can manage myself.

Which is dumb, because as far as I can tell, I'm probably the most put together person I know.  So my room's a disaster and I rarely remember to (or care about) feed(ing) myself.  I pay my bills on time, I do okay in school and I'm always at work when I need to be there, unless I'm not feeling well.  And even at that point, I still try and do my job until I realize I just can't handle it when I'm ill.  I don't reach out to people because I'm worried they won't be reaching back.

And isn't that a key to my locked mind.  I've holed myself behind my walls because no one ever did reach out to me.  Any time anyone reaches out to me, I reach back to them.  And they're always grateful.  But when I reach, no one ever even looks.  No one cares.  And it sucks.  The only friendship in my life that I thought was worth something, she reached out to me first.

I don't lead a bad life.  I have a great life.  I love my job, and I love the people I work with, my family is wonderful and supportive, I have a friend, I have several friends...but no one knows me.  No one even bothers to try and learn.

I can't talk to anyone because I just end up making them feel bad too.  And that guilts me into feeling worse, so I don't tell anyone what's on my mind in fear that they'll be brought down, too.  Most of the time, I can be quite happy and cheerful.  I've learned to ignore that people don't care, simply because I do.  I care a lot.  And that will most of the time over power this feeling of no one caring back.  And for the most part, people seem to like that about me.  But they don't care.

And that's really really painful, when I let it get to me.  Like I am now.

Don't worry, I'll probably be fine by tomorrow.  We'll blame my menstrual cycle.  It's always a good excuse when I'm being sensitive to this.  Because I do have it under control.  I just feel lonely sometimes.  And it makes me sad, but I've gotten so used to it.  I've been alone for ever.  Even when I thought I wasn't, I still was.  And maybe one day, God will send the right person who will listen and care into my life, but that's still a long way off, I feel.  And that's fine.  I'm a patient person for the most part.  I've waited this long.  What's another 20 years?

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,