Do you know that feeling where you just need to cry? It's not like you really have anything good to cry about, but you have that feeling in the back of your throat anyway, and you can feel it coming on, and you can stop it, but it's still there, waiting to strike?
Been feeling like that all day.
It's only gotten worse as the day has progressed. So far no tears, but I don't imagine that will last much longer.
This may come as a shock to some of you (I don't know, if you've read everything I've ever written, probably not), but I'm not very good at the whole "people" thing. I can fake it like nobody's business, for a while. But after that...I just...can't anymore.
I don't know how to control it so that I can when I need to, either.
I don't make friends. I make very close acquaintances. If you've been led to believe I thought of us as closer than "yeah, we've hung out a bunch, and we seem to know each other really well, but there's still lots about her I don't know," I apologize. It's just...not possible, I think.
There are very few people in the world who I am close enough to that I consider them my friends. A good 3/4 of them are my immediate family. That fourth one, I'm not even entirely sure about some days.
And most of it is on my part. Ok, so other people consider me their friend, that's fine. They probably are not working under the same criteria as I am (or they are, but they aren't as demanding...I'm a little high maintenance when it comes to interpersonal relationships, ranging anywhere from distant acquaintance "I met her at a party once I think" to family "She's my sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece/etc, of course I love her!")
I'm ridiculously insecure. I'm not even entirely sure where it comes from. It's something I've had as long as I can remember, since I was really young. Not just about my physical appearance. I never wanted to look like I wanted too much, or that I was really needy, or clingy, or anything like that. I never asked for things I wanted. I stopped cuddling with my family because I think someone somewhere along the line complained about me being heavy once, and I thought maybe it meant they didn't want to cuddle with me anymore. So I just stopped. If I ever had a crush on a guy, you couldn't tell because I made sure not to show it. It was fleeting glances at him while he wasn't looking that never lasted longer than a couple of seconds, maybe. I would go out of my way not to touch him or sit next to him -- which I later learned is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what most people do when they like someone. I tried my best to not let them know. Okay, so my walks to the water fountain to get a drink while he was in that general area increased, but it wasn't like I spoke to him or anything.
And I was somehow surprised that none of the guys I liked ever liked me back.
I haven't felt that way about anyone in a very long time. I tried, trust me. I tried really hard...but I just...I don't know. I guess it disappeared
(Great, NOW I start crying...)
And I'm so fucking terrified of making people upset. I can't even blame it on something happening in my past. You know the worst thing that happened when I made my parents mad when I was little? They got mad. They yelled. I was put into time out. Probably they threatened to take away my toys. Maybe they did. Other than that, nothing happened. There was very little consequence for making people unhappy when I was a child.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LIKE THIS.
But I am. I am. And it's so frustrating, because whenever I stick my neck out for myself, I scrunch it back up with apologies and fear. Because I don't want other people mad at me for having an opinion.
I don't want to disappoint them when my opinion is different than theirs. Why does it even FUCKING matter?
I don't know!!!
And it would all be so much easier if I could just ignore the rest of the world and they could go back to ignoring me. But I have to work. I have to finish school so I can work some more so I can have money to be able to hide from the world, and there's less free time and more stress and I'm not handling it at all.
And I don't want to grow up, but I don't want to be a kid again. And it's so fucking hard, and I don't have the balls to tell anyone what I want, because what if they think badly of me? Maybe they'll think I'm greedy. Maybe they'll think I'm avoiding them. Maybe maybe maybe
DAMN IT
I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of everything. I don't want to be like this. I DON'T WANT TO CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME.
AND I CAN'T NOT CARE.
It's this stupid vicious cycle that I can't escape from. I care because I want people to like me, but the only way people like me is when I'm something I'm not, which I've learned how to be very well, but it's not fun to keep up with, so I end up not wanting to hang out with people and they still try and hang out with me, and then I get annoyed, which just pushes them farther away, and then I worry that they don't like me.
And I'm so tired of it. I'm just so tired.
Of everything.
And whenever people do want to hang out with me, it's only ever because they want something, which has totally bashed my already insignificant self-esteem down to a pulp. Everyone only wants something for themselves. It's a fact of life. I'm guilty of it, but it's not the only reason I hang out with people. And I'm never going to believe that people want to hang out with me for me ever, because it's always to serve another purpose. It'll get me to do something for them later (even though I probably would have done it anyway). It'll make me like them more. It'll do something to benefit them more than it benefits me. And I'll just go along with it, la-dee-dah, because that's who I am. I can't...I can't change that, no matter how much it ends up hurting me in the end...
Always...it always has been, it always will be. And when I've served my purpose, well, I guess that's that. They just go about their merry little lives, thinking "gee, that was fun, I'll have to contact her again when I need/want/have-to-have something done again." And I'll sit over here going "Well, that's one more task I've had to do for someone else. Maybe if I keep it up, karma will eventually come back around to me and I'll get something nice in return for once." Because "good company" is only a good reward for a very short amount of time.
****
Sorry...I'm a little upset today. Obviously, or else the whole crying-feeling-intro wouldn't have been necessary.
I'm not apologizing for anything I've said. It's all true from my point of view today. It could be different tomorrow, or in a month, or this time next year. You probably see it differently.
I'm just...done...I'm done. I don't even...
*sigh*
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