Saturday, December 8, 2012

A New Freckle

I found a freckle on my hand this morning at work.  It's new, I've never seen it before today, and considering it's in a very visible spot on my left hand, you'd think I'd have noticed it.   I'm also assuming it's a freckle.  I have no proof that it is, however I do know that it's not a bug -- it didn't move at all today -- and it's not a scab -- I tried picking it off, it's stayed.  It also hasn't faded, so it's probably not ink.

So I guess we really don't know the backs of our hands all that well.

I've been really angry and upset recently, over pretty much nothing.  I'm thinking it's those damn communists coming into the funhouse, but it might just be shark week.  Either way, I've not been terribly friendly, and I'd like to send out an apology to those who have been on the blunt end of it.

That being said, some of the things I've been upset about have had some firm basis in reality.  A lot of it has to do with some misinterpretation about my last post.

A lot of the time, when I update in a rage or in a seriously bad mood, it just means that I bottled it up a little too long.  Usually it doesn't get like that.  That's why a lot of the time you'll get three really angry posts several months apart.  Or something like that.

It's the end of the semester, and I'm stressed about a lot of things I can't change at this point in time.  Since I cannot change these things, I don't see the point in complaining about them, hence the bottling factor.  When the last nail hits the straw on the camel's coffin, you guys get a rage-post.  Once it's out, I'm done with it.  It's gone.  I don't like thinking about it anymore because I. Do. Not. Like. To. Be. Angry.

I doubt anyone likes being angry.  So why bring up the angry feelings in someone else?  I know misery loves company but when you're talking to me, my guilt complex will take care of that when you start telling me about your problems, because in comparison, mine = not that big of a deal.  So I'll feel bad that I feel bad about little things when you have bigger things to feel bad about but you really don't need to bring up the bad things I feel about myself.  I do that well enough on my own, thank you very much.

No help needed.

I know a lot of it is unintentional or at the very worst, well-intentioned.  I get that.  I'm a pretty smart girl, actually.  Assume I know what's going on before you assume I don't.  I know there's a stereotype against blondes, but really now, this is the internet.  Can't I pretend that I'm not blonde when you guys can't see me?

That's the whole reason I stay on the internet.  I can literally be anyone I want.  I can be myself so I can be the intelligent, literate, coherent, hilarious, mildly socially awkward-but-still-adorable person I pretend I am when I'm by myself.  I don't like being around people because I can't be that person when I'm with others.  There's something in my brain that just flick off, like a switch, and I lose all ability to hold an intelligent conversation.  Probably because in real life you don't get second takes or a delete button.

But I'm really okay.  I really am.  I don't bullshit on here.  I really don't.  I get angry and upset and I write what I feel in the moment, but on the whole, I'm okay.  I've come to terms with lots of things about myself that most people would try to disagree with, but you don't know me.  You don't know my life.  You don't know the shit I've been through (what little of it there is.  I'm trying to make a joke based off of a particular internet meme.  Am I succeeding?  No, probably not.  EPIC FAIL).  I know me.  The only person who knows me better than me is God.

I also get annoyed when people encroach on what I deem is my personal space, even if it is over the internet.  I've had bad experiences with people stealing my shit online (like, creative shit, poems and whatnot).  So if you've taken something I've done, style wise, and you know who you are (and I know who you are too) if you have, please stop.  Just...just stop.  I know it's edgy and cool looking or sounding or whatever, but it's fuckin' mine.  I haven't had much that's just mine in my life, please don't take things I came up with by myself. If you're unsure, ASK.  just fuckin' ASK.  Or AXE if you're from far enough south.  Whatever.  Don't kill me, though, bro.


I'm mostly convinced the world will end on the 21st (I'm assuming Mayan time, because, well, duh.  They wouldn't write a calendar for anywhere else, would they?  They don't know the stars anywhere else).  And it's gotten to the point that I'm more scared of the world not ending.

Now, this isn't to say I'm scared because of changes in my life or whatever coming up.  I've actually got more things under control than I ever have in my entire life.  It's been really empowering.

But I'm scared that the world won't end on the 21st (or the equivalent thereof.  A certain R.E.M. song comes to mind).  I'm scared that it will stay the same and we'll all just stay at this point of social, financial, and societal stagnation (yes, social and societal are different, in my world.  Social means our interactions, societal means where we're going with our society as a whole).

There are a few hopes for me in the inevitable non-end of the world (because if I believe something's going to happen, something will stop it from happening.  Probably The Doctor, but we'll never know).  One contains my plans for the future, which I will continue to keep a secret from those not directly involved.  So no, if you're reading this right now, you probably will not know until plans are finalized, so if the world ends, you don't even really need to care.

The second is the ASMR community on youtube.  They convince me that there are genuinely nice, caring, gentle people out in the world (small though their numbers might be).

(If you don't know what ASMR is, that's okay, because you probably don't have it anyway.  You can google it.  I'm not doing that for you.  You're already on some sort of electronic device.  Hell, you can Bing that shit.  You have the internet at your fingertips, don't make me do the work for you, lazy 1st world people)

I'm sure there's more, but those were the two I'm most focused on right now.

But seriously guys, if the world doesn't end on Dec. 21, 2012 I'm assuming CST, because I'm too lazy to check which time zone the Mayans might have been in.  I'm writing, I can afford to be a lazy 1st world person, I'll be shocked as hell.  And I do mean as we know it, just fyi.  But that could be a whole hell of a difference.

Until next time (unless the world ends and  I don't update before then)

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