Saturday, November 24, 2012

So Much for Radio Silence

It's been a long week.

I'm starting to notice a theme with Thanksgiving...I think I've figured out why the Europeans don't celebrate...

(Shh, I know it's because the Americans went through their teenager stage and thought Mother England and Father France were stupidheads, and decided to defect/rebel.  That's not important right now.  Why am I even talking about this?  I should stop!)

Regardless, this is not what I came back to talk about.

I'm reaching a stage in my life where change is imminent.  All goes according to plan, I'm graduating after spring semester.

I'll be getting a third job to fill in the time gap and so I can finally quit the one job that has started to suck even worse and then I'll get another third job, so I can earn some mulah because I have plans.

Or rather, I will, shortly here.  If I stick to my guns and I don't chicken out.

I've been trying to plan it this evening, whenever the mood strikes me to research stuff, in between funny videos of cats on youtube, and my lingering over anger at certain events that have been successfully handled, but I'm still kind of pissed off.  And other shit, too, because I can't ever just have a few things going on, I have to have a full on crisis ALWAYS.

Okay, I'm exaggerating.  But that's how it FEELS and I'm a whiney girl and that's what I'm going to do.  Were I 21 or better at extortion, I'd have some wine to go with it, but as it is, I'm wimping out and waiting until my birthday.

Also, I have work in the morning, and you all probably won't read this until I'm at work already (mostly because I'm thinking of scheduling this to come out tomorrow morning rather than tonight).

However, that is beside the point.

What I'm really trying to get at is that I'm making big plans that I hope to enact in hopefully a year or so...well okay, just over a year, because it'll be more like a year from when my lease ends, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I don't even know why I'm really writing about this, since I really don't have anything concrete, I don't really want to let people know what it is I'm planning on doing until I have things set up already, and honestly, I don't even know if I'm going to go through with it at this point.


If I can't do this by myself without my own encouragement, what's the goddamn point?

I'm growing up.  I'm growing a fucking backbone.  I'm becoming who I want to be and I'm going to start not caring what people think about that.

I say that tonight, and by tomorrow afternoon I'll be a puddle of "oh god why me why wont anyone liiiiiiiiiiiiiike me" that I usually end up being after work.

And I've decided...I've decided I'm not ready for a number of certain things, just yet.  When it's time for me to own a pet and have a boyfriend, I'll be financially stable, I'll like myself more than 40% of the time, and I will have my shit straight.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more worldly.  Maybe I'll be stronger.  Maybe I'll be smarter.  Maybe I'll be self-assured and confident.

But at this point, I'm not ready to take care of anyone else but myself.  I don't have the funds to care for a pet, and keep it safe and happy and well-loved.  And I don't have enough love for myself to give to another person at this point in time.

Because I think I've finally figured it out.  After hours on Pinterest, looking at inspirational, and mostly stupidly silly and irreverent quotes, I've figured out the secret to life.  You have to love who you are, love what you do, and most of all not be afraid to be yourself in order to love someone else.

And I'm still carrying around a lot of baggage I just shouldn't even have.  It's everyone else's.  It's not even MINE.  And I'm the one carrying it.  Why do I continue to carry it, you may ask?  I have no fucking clue.  So I'm going to take it to lost and found, I'm going to drop it off, I'm going to turn around and I'm NOT. FUCKING. LOOKING. BACK.

I imagine this will end the embargo on my radio silence.  But I mean, when was I ever good at posting regularly?

*sigh*  And I don't think I'm going to sleep through tonight either.

Until next time, dear Readers,

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