Thursday, December 20, 2012

If I were but a king, say I
I'd need no other thing.
Riches, and wealth, and friends I'd have
But maybe that'd make me a chav.

If I were but a lady, say I
I could be in regency time
At balls I would laugh and play and sing
And Mr. Darcy would woo me

But I'm not.

If I were but braver, say I
I could be a lion or explorer
But the lion, he was a coward
And the explorer he died

I don't really want that, do I?

If I were but myself, say I
I would speak my mind
Without fear of reprobation
Or chastising

If I were but myself, say I
I could rule the world.
I would have bravery aplenty
And I would be a lady

Perhaps even a king.

But I'm not.

And I hide, and I smile and I say everything is fine.
But in actuality I am scared
I am frightened
And I am not well


In other words, I'm afraid I'm crazy again, got chicken and didn't say something when I probably ought, my heart is pounding over something I was scared to do, and decided not to and it won't stop, I'm nervous, I feel like crying again (shit, why won't that just fucking stop already?  I'm sick of crying.  It feels like all I did yesterday), all because I'm nervous over something I've already decided not to do because it made me feel nervous.

WTF brain?!?!  I hate you.

Oh and the crazy thing is unrelated to all that other stuff.  I just generally feel like that.  Because I probably am.  If I'm not, the rest of the world is, and I'm not sure I can handle that many crazy people, so we're going to assume it's me until further notice.

It's bad when you actually can relate to the crazies.  Which I think I've started to do.  I'm legit concerned about my sanity.  Luckily, due to my general fear of most everything, I know I won't do shit about it.


Sometimes I wish someone else could hear my thoughts and tell me everything is okay, and that I'm not crazy.

Or maybe if I could read other people's and justify that I'm not crazy because I doubt I'd believe someone else telling me.  I'd probably just think they were trying to make me feel better.

Christ, I'm delusional.   This must be because of that proposal/engagement dream I had about one of my "ex"s last night.

No.  Not the guy I wrote the letter to.  The other one.  DM.  Douche-bag to the Max.  Him.  Yeah.

Fuckin' I don't even know what.

I'm not allowed to watch Labyrinth before bed anymore.

Gives me crazy dreams about gorgeous rings i will never have because i'll never actually wear them.

It was amazing.  I wish my brain could take video of my dreams so I could show you, because holy crap.  I'd almost actually have worn the thing IRL.

Freakin' dragon with a heart-shaped diamond.  It was even cooler than that description, and you'll never know how cool, because that's a pretty cool statement, right there, and you'll never see the ring, so, eh.

Sux to be you.

(Gosh, y'all are gettin' spoilt with this daily update shit I'm doin' here recently.  Best not get used to it.  I'm sure it's heralding a very long silence.)

Until Next Time, Dear Readers

No comments:

Post a Comment