I am in a RAAAAAAAGE

Okay, so in case you were unaware, I recently moved into a house full of guys.  Like two months ago-recently.  And so far, with about 2/3 of the male population in the house I get along fine.

There's this one though.  Holy shit.  I don't know what it is about him that just rubs me the fucking wrong way but it might be the fact that he deals with household issues like a fucking girl.

Let me backup a little.

This guy is the son of my landlords. Well, grandson of the landlady.  Step-grandson of the landlady.  Whatever, he's related to the people who own the fucking house.

He's also not paying any rent. Oh sure, he pays his portion of the utilities, that's fine, but we have 4 people in the house, why am I having to pay 1/3 of the rent?  (Okay, so it's ridiculously cheap, fine, whatever, it's the principle of the matter, you have four people in a house, living there, all four of them should be paying for the fucking house.) Oh right, because he's related to the landowners.

He also has an adorable puppy.  The puppy does not always stay at the house.  Sometimes he does, but for the most part so far he hasn't been living here. He's been staying at the landowners' house.  It's worked out well because the damn dog (like most other puppies) cries when Problem Roommate is not there. (We'll call him MM for Most Mature in a very sarcastic voice.) The puppy, because he is such a clever little puppy, can get out of the house and into the yard if some of the doors aren't shut all of the way.

The puppy isn't very well-trained yet.  He's still just a baby.  The yard is not fenced in.  The house sits about 20 yards from a moderately busy road.

So obviously, we need to be very careful about closing doors when he's here.  Okay, fine, no problem.

Except 2 problems.

1) MM does not let us know when the damn puppy is in the damn house.
2) MM blames everyone else for his puppy getting out, even if everyone else closes the fucking doors behind them.

I think you're starting to come around to the point.

Now, okay, I don't have a problem with him asserting that we need to be better about closing the doors all of the time, because it's dangerous for little puppies.  We've already had one puppy casualty, we don't want another one.

But when you're first reaction to your dog getting out the first time he's been in this particular house in weeks while we haven't had to deal with him is to threaten to put locks only you can open on all of the doors, and have us work around your schedule, then I have a problem.

Especially when both of us know that I was the last one out of the house other than MM. Especially when I know I closed the damn door behind me as hard as I could because I saw the dog in the fucking hallway as I was trying to get out the door and go to fucking work.  Especially when I know he's ALWAYS the last one out of the house, because the rest of us get up early and go to work or school and have very busy schedules.  Especially when it very well could have been your fucking fault your dog got out and you're just too dim to notice. Especially when, even if I was the one to let him out, not only did you NOT come to me in person and talk it out, but that you sent a mass text message to all inhabitants of the house "not pointing fingers or getting angry" when very obviously you were or you wouldn't have threatened with house arrest because your dog is a clever dumbass.

I really thought I'd gotten away from drama when I moved into this house filled with guys.  I was apparently mistaken.

JFC, I cannot handle this right now.  I'm angry and hormonal, and I want to fucking stab a bitch, but that would be messy and I've got a lot of blood in my life right now already, let's not add to that.

He picked the wrong day to get passive aggressive at me, she typed, passive aggressively in her blog.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me

Absenteeism

Sorry I don't update here more often.  My life hasn't exactly been very busy or exciting, so there really hasn't been much to write about, but I'm going to give you a recap of the past month or so (how long has it been since I updated?)

I had a rough summer.  I struggled pretty hard with things I have struggled with for a while: self-harm being chief amongst those, as well as some fairly dark thoughts.  I've gotten to a better place with them, but I'm still working with them.

I've got a secure, comfortable job with a future.  And the flexibility to go back to school if I feel like it. And if I do go back to school, I'm pretty much certain I'll be going in for massage therapy. Just to get certified, because frankly, that would be a fucking awesome skill to have under my belt and be certified for.

I'm getting more comfortable with myself.  It's been an intense growing process, and I've still got a long way to go, but I think the fact that I'm as comfortable with myself as I am right now, and it's only going to go up from here, is a huge plus.  I'm miles ahead of so many other, older women who so severely dislike themselves, women I've looked up to my entire life, and that I am so far along in my journey of loving myself as I ought to, that it's just incredible for me.

And again, I don't like myself all THAT much.  Which should tell you something about the female role models I've had in my life.

I don't know, guys...I'm struggling to figure out where I stand in the universe.  I don't like not knowing, but I know so many people go decades, maybe even an entire lifetime before they know where they stand.  Maybe they never find it.  And I don't like that.  I can't see myself doing that.  I just have this overwhelming need to know where I stand in the world, what my purpose is -- my purpose, not the entire human race, no one needs to know that -- and that tends to be the one thing I focus most of my thoughts on.  Especially recently, because I have managed to somehow get to a place in my life where I have no interest in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.

Let me reiterate that because it's kind of a big deal: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.  This isn't to say I don't occasionally (often) want a romantic relationship in my life.  I would LOVE that kind of comfort and security (because that's what relationships are to me, they are comfortable, loving, secure, safe, because I'm not alone anymore).  However, this is the first time in my life there hasn't been a specific face attached to those feelings.  Completely and totally.  And this is, again, a big deal.  I tend to obsess.  I tend to fixate and hold on with the tightest grip I can manage to one guy.  And it never gets me fucking anywhere.

And now, now I am working on being comfortable with me, and feeling safe and comfortable and secure on my own.  And maybe one day I'll be able to let someone else in, in a healthy, loving, comfortable way.  But I don't need it right now.  I might never need it.  And that, my dear friends, is perfectly okay.

Because it's now that I can figure out how to have a relationship with someone where there is no romantic connotations, no sexual feelings (which might never happen on my part towards a person anyway), just a healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex.

And okay, so I'm not looking anymore.  And it might happen anyway.  Do you know how many rat's asses I give about that? None! Because if it's going to happen it's going to happen! It's not up to me! But this is a time of learning and growth, of finding myself and getting to a place that is healthy for me.

I keep using the word healthy, but that's because that's what I need in my life.  I need to be healthy, I need to have healthy, non-toxic relationships.  I'm not.  I'm not healthy.  I have a very unhealthy relationship with myself, and it's slowly getting better, and it will take some time, but I think I can get there, and I think I will get there sooner, rather than later, as long as I don't have any huge setbacks.  Which I really don't think I will.

*knocks on wood*

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me

Whoops!

I haven't been on here a lot recently, and I apologize for that.

My life has been swallowed by tumblr.  I'm not sorry for that, because it has let me open up about myself in ways I cannot here.  The only reason I cannot open up here like that is because I have family who might be seeing this, and I'm still unsure as to the welcome I would receive with a lot of my opinions.  And if nothing else I want to be accepted by someone.  And if I have to change the way I am perceived around certain groups of people to do so, I am apparently not above that.

And Tumblr is one of the places I can be myself.  Because no one there is anyone I know personally.  Well okay, so I know one or two people personally, but one of them is my BFF ever,  GL, and the other one...well I'm not entirely sure he ever knew who I was anyway.  But my parents wouldn't understand, my sister doesn't understand, the rest of my family wouldn't understand...and that upsets me to no end.

And I dislike that I'm not like this around those people because it makes me feel duplicitous.  It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life when I cannot express how I really feel about a subject on a "public" forum where people I know can see my world views because most of them would be opposed to it.

I hope this makes sense, I've been drunk for a while and I"m not entirely sure I make any sense any more.

I took ten minutes to figure out how to spell duplicitous.  on google.  How fucking crazy is that?

I just...I just wish I were as open in the real world as I am on my private "anonymous" blog.

I have to remember that people are going to judge me whatever I do.  And none of it is any of my cause.  They can judge as they wish, that's their problem, not mine.

I wish I weren't as messed up as I am.  I wish I didn't have as many issues as I really do.  Because it would make it so much easier to ignore what people say about certain things if I wasn't directly affected by them...

I'm sorry guys, I just...I'm drunk.
Until Next Time,
Me....

Post-move Blog Post. (what?)

I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster.  Or at least make it slow down, because it's starting to make me slightly nauseas.

I'm working on moving on with my life, though.  It's slow going, but it's going and it's going in the right direction, which is all I ever asked for, really. 

The project I'm working on at work is kind of stressing me out, but whatever.  At least I have my A/C unit installed in my new place, and almost all of my roommates have moved in.  There's still one more to go, and it's still 3x more testosterone than I'm used to dealing with, but it'll be okay.  There is one other girl moving in, so at least I have an estrogen buddy.

Though frankly I think I'm really going to get on with the two main roommates I'll have, who both happen to be male.  One of them is Buddhist, the other is an entity I only have very little information on.  Regardless, I think it's going to be very peaceful.  Or at least, less dramatic than living with other girls.

Girls are crazy.

I'm working on the whole "eating" thing while I'm there.  I haven't been doing so good.  I haven't gotten a chance to go to the grocery store (read: I haven't gone to the grocery store) since before I moved, so I'm kind of on the tail-end of what I had, and none of it is things I want.  Also my microwave has been living in my backseat because I'm too lazy to move it in and try and find it a home on the counter. 

But at least there is light in the bathroom now.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

Me

Life-Hangovers, Etc.

It's what I'm going to call the feeling when you've just been around too many people for too fucking long and you're tired and exhausted and irritable for no goddamn reason.  My limit is about 7 days with more than 5 other people.  Well, apparently, anyway.

So I'm taking today off and not doing a DAMN thing.  I'm just kind of over socialization.  I really need to eat soon though, but I have no snacking foods in the general vicinity of my bed, and my current (soon-to-be-former) roommates are moving in their new roommate into the extra bedroom.  I don't want to leave because they're in front of my door.  It's awkward and uncomfortable for me.  However, I haven't had anything to eat since lunch yesterday at about 12:30 or so, and I've done kind of a lot, so I know I need to eat, but I just...it can wait.

I will be moving soon, however.  I've been really slacking in my packing up of my shit.  I need to be out of here by the end of the month, and I'm super psyched about my new place, but at the same time...It's just so much WORK.  And I don't really want to do it.

But the sooner I move, the sooner I can be in my new bed I bought yesterday.  It's another futon, but it's WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY better quality than the one I have been using, and also I got a new mattress too, so I'm just going to be sleeping on unicorn farts and marshmallow pillows.  Don't mind me!

I was going to try and write other things, but that's pretty much all I got for you.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me

So Yeah

It's been a while, and apparently I just feel like writing tonight.

Lucky you guys.

My computer is fixed (yay!).  I'm moving in a month (yay?).  Work is kind of stressful (yay...).

And I'm kind of really annoyed and upset and confused and conflicted and a lot of other very unhappy-like emotions.

But I'm not sad.  Which is weird.  Mostly angry feelings.  Which is fine.  Could be worse.  I'd rather be angry-upset than sad-upset.  Likely less crying and FAR more exciting ways to get rid of the negative energy.

It's  been a long week and it's only Wednesday.  My weekend was ballin' though.  Hung out with my main girl GL.  Oh! And my maid of honor dress came in today (I'm super excited!!!!!!!  You really don't have any idea exactly how excited I am about it).

But work has been kind of stressful.  Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like it's difficult, it's just that there's a lot hinging on me doing well, and that's really nerve-wracking.

Although, my mindset has been more positive recently than it has EVER been, so that's been kind of a plus side to this whole situation.

And I'm avoiding conflict again.  Which is something I need to not be doing, but I'm going to do it right now anyway, because I REALLY should not be answering any emails right now.  Actually I probably should get to bed.  I do have work in the morning, and I really don't want Dad to get upset with me about being late.

But I just...I needed to put this out here I guess.  And so here it is.

I just really don't want to answer this person right now.  I don't know that I have anything to say on the matter.  Everything I've felt I already expressed.  It's done and over with.  I've forgiven the parties involved.  Doesn't mean I'm not still annoyed that things played out the way they did, but I can't change any of it, and there was no way I could have controlled it at the time either.  They control their reactions, and I can only control mine.

And right now I'm not answering that email.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me

A Quick Update

I'm currently without a working computer anywhere but work.  I should probably be doing that, but apparently I cannot focus today.

Luckily my parents don't read this.  Even though sometimes I wish they would.

But, yes.  Not a week after dragging my phone through the river in a mostly waterproof box except for the part where we didn't make sure it was closed all of the way, I spilled soda all on the one side of my laptop computer.  Luckily it was the side without the motherboard.  I'll be taking it to a place locally to get it (hopefully) fixed.  The computer works fine, it's the keyboard that's shit right now.  The keys don't "stick" as such, but they weren't working.  So there's that.

And my iPhone is still on the rice.  We're just going to leave it there for a week (we finally go the back off of it and are just letting it drain some more.  There was apparently still water in there.  Which sucks. I'm pretty sure it's just the screen.  It was the last time I tried to use it, but with the water still in there and the fact that I can't leave shit alone, it may have fucked something else up.  I'm not sure.

So I've been using an old android we had from the last wave of phone upgrades.  Thank god my dad is an electronics hoarder.

My mind is running a blank.  I guess I'll do some actual work now.

Until Next Time (whenever that is)
Me