Saturday, March 2, 2013

I Hate My Brain Sometimes

Which I the brain hating itself?  I don't know, those posts always seemed really meta to me.

I don't know if you knew this about me, but I read a LOT of fan fiction.  A scary amount, actually.  Recently I've been pretty much addicted to Sherlock, but that's neither here nor there (but it's got to be SOMEWHERE...That saying's never made much sense).

The reason I go back to the stories I enjoy the most (other than the fact that, duh, I enjoy them), is that they are (usually) a window into a meaningful relationship where two people care intimately about one another, and okay, yeah, sometimes they end up having sex, but sometimes it's just that they fucking care.  There's this friendship, a camaraderie between the two main characters, sometimes snarky banter, but in the end...they love each other.  There's sometimes flowery descriptions of casual touches and hugs (and okay, YES, since they're essentially girly novels I can read on the internet, kissing and sex too).  A lot of the time my favorites are perspective points.  Where we're seeing the relationship through the eyes of one of the characters, and sometimes they don't always know for a fact that the other person loves them but they love anyway.

And sometimes, like tonight (and a lot of other times) I'll be reading and I'll look at the words and I'll read the paragraph and imagine the picture in my head and I suddenly feel like I'm reading a science fiction book (or a cookbook) and I get to the end of the passage and I'm like 'Yeah, because THAT's going to happen'.  End sarcasm.

I mean, it's not that I don't think two people can have that close of a connection.  I was very lucky and my parents have been together for twenty...two? years.  (Ish?  Twenty one?  I don't...I think it's 21.  I'm such a horrible kid.  I should know this haha.  I'm pretty sure it's 21 years.)  And my mom's parents have been together since before she was born (so that's...more than 40 years or so) and, okay, my dad's parents didn't work out on their first try, but both of them have been happily married to other people for a long time (well before I was born anyway).  And now I'm getting to see the beginnings of a similar relationship with GL and MH.  (MR?  MRH?  Fuck it, GL's boyfriend).

And that's fine, it's great.  It can happen, it can be beautiful and wonderful and sweet and annoyingly adorable and that's fantastic.

But I just...

I want to believe that when the right guy comes along I will know without a doubt that this one is it.  You can let yourself love now, Michelle, it's over.  The waiting is done.  So he might not love you back, that's okay, because this is the one.  You can't stop it anyway.

Isn't it sad that my relationship aspiration is unrequited love?  Haha, man, I'm pathetic.

What was I talking about again?  Oh yeah.

But I've just never been able to let myself have that unrestrained, full-force, head-over-heels, home-run-world-series kind of feeling.  Oh don't get me wrong, I love.  I love a lot.  I love too much, actually (it can happen, trust me).  And it ends up getting me hurt.  And that's...well it's not fine, exactly, but it's not a bad thing, necessarily.

I love people who have no business even being in my thoughts anymore, because I have yet to find a way to turn off my emotions.  When I find the switch, I'll let you guys know.

I like to pretend I don't feel as strongly as I do about other people.  I like to pretend I don't care, that I'm a hard-hearted bitch with no compunctions as to the feelings of others.

But that's all it is, is pretending.  I'm just a big ol' softy.  I'm not even sure I do a very good job at pretending, either.  It all seems a bit out in the open, to be completely honest.  Even to people who don't know me as well as my family or GL do.

Where was I going with this?  I don't even remember.

I don't care enough to try and trace the thoughts.  Sucks to be you guys.

Anyway, I think this started with fan fic, so I'll continue on that train.

I don't know...It's just...I'd say I should stop reading it and try for more intellectual reading material.  Maybe catch up on a few of those TV shows I've been meaning to be watching.  Possibly validate the $8 charge to my bank account from Netflix.  Cook a meal for myself for once.  Explore the world. Step away from the computer for a bit.  But since none of those things will be happening in the near future, (I can take my fiction with me, I'm reading Sherlock Holmes on my phone, I've got The Help in the bathroom and isn't that a hilarious statement considering the nature of the book, I'll get around to watching TV eventually, when I get bored, I've got video games and movies when I feel like it, I can paint, I can draw, I go for walks, and cooking your own food is over rated when fantastic options are literally around the block.)  it's not really like it's going to happen any time soon.  And quite frankly, I wouldn't care either way.  If I ever acquire local friends, the Netflix charge will become justified as I really don't know what else you do with other people, except play video games, another thing I happen to have on hand.

(Okay, so as far as two player games, I have gran tourismo, but who doesn't like a racing game with fantastic cars?  I see no problems with this)

And I mean, maybe one day, in the not too terribly distant future (but certainly not near, because I'd hopefully be able to see that), someone will come along and I won't be able to shut down on my emotions like I tend to.  It will happen whether I like it or not.  There will be a draw, and we'll become friends, possibly even best friends, and maybe, just maybe, we can fall in love, and possibly we'll not know it for a while, but maybe we will, and maybe it will just fall into place.  But maybe it won't and we'll have to fight for it.  And that could be just as good too.

Ugh, when did I get so sappy and maudlin?  Grody!  Y'all, I 'pologize.

In other news, I have read far more Sherlock fan fiction than I have of any other fandom on the internet.  Even Harry Potter and Merlin.  And Gundam Wing (which, actually might not be accurate, but I don't care).  Possibly Harry Potter and Merlin combined.

But I'm not sure.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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