Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Been a while since I last updated.  Sorry about that.  I didn't actually intend on a temporary hiatus.

There's just not been much I've cared to share recently.  Life's gotten pretty boring.  I'd say I was excited for school to start up, but I'm not.  I can't wait to be over and done with it.

That being said, I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself when I have nothing left to do. Which is why I want to add a third job to my repertoire, even if I've been told I'll be too busy.  By one of my bosses, actually.

I don't think she understands that after I'm done with work there, I don't have anything else to do for the rest of the day.  If I only work three out of the seven days there (which is usually how it goes, during the school year), I'm done by Monday with nothing to do until Thursday when I go work for my Dad, which mostly consists of writing up FAQs, managing the Facebook Page and Ad, and writing up the constant contacts for when they have a new build put out.  Which is busy if I have to do all of them in one day, but a lot of the time, I'm done by 2 or 3 in the afternoon.  And I do that for two days.  I sometimes will take help calls, if we get any and I'm in the office by myself.  But other than that, that's pretty much it.

And I also want more job experience.  I don't mind working a bunch.  I'll likely still end up with a lot of free time, since after I get home from work, I have very little else to do.  Internet, okay.  Write some, sure if I feel like it.  Maybe be artsy (which I've been putting off, but will need to get done soon here), sure, again, if I feel like getting around to it.

I don't exactly have a social life for work to interfere with.  In fact, I'd go so far as to say that work IS my social life.  After school's over, that will be one less avenue for me to meet people, which hasn't exactly gone so well in the past (over the three years I've been going to school I've only met one person there that I was willing to keep in contact with and still have.  ONE PERSON.  And, no offense, darling, but a) you're taken, b) you're a girl, and c) no one else talks to me, so I'm liable to believe you're the odd one out and it's just not going to happen for me with anyone else at school).  Not that I'm torn up about this, you understand, but it's a little disheartening to walk into a classroom, look around at your 20-50 classmates and realize not a single one of them is going to be your friend by the end of the semester.

So no, I'm not looking forward to school.  Is what we've come back around to.

I'm also not entirely sure I can handle being an adult for the rest of my life.  It's the one upside to trying a little harder and being a little less of myself to settle for someone I'm not actually in love with.  If I get married, or at the very least move in with someone who is intending to marry me at some point maybe, I won't have to deal with this all on my own.  I might even be able to rely on them a bit.

And then I realize what I'm thinking about, and stop thinking about it.

After all, no successful woman ever settled.  But maybe that's it.  Maybe I'm supposed to settle for something less than what I want.  Maybe I'm supposed to just be okay with things, and not have them be fantastic.

A pretty wedding, a small house in the suburbs, with a man I can tolerate, but never really love, where there isn't a spark of something, with 2.5 kids and a dog and a cat with a white picket fence forever and ever and...

I just wouldn't be able to do it.  Oh sure, the stability would be quite nice.  I'd enjoy that part of it. But I do want a little adventure.  I want to travel the world, see new things, taste new food, meet interesting people.  I want to live in a small, one bedroom flat in a city somewhere on the edge of forever, working paycheck to paycheck and living off of fry-ups and ramen and beans on toast, with maybe a stint of heavy drinking every now and again.  I'd waitress and write and maybe one day find love, and if not, that's okay too, because I can live vicariously through that one friend, and any other friends who find love, and book characters and okay, so I'd cry every now and again feeling sorry for myself because that won't happen to me.  But it would be LIVING.  It would be living and breathing and feeling and just being.

And maybe that would be okay.  It would certainly be better than what I'm doing, and DEFINITELY be better than 2.5 kids and a husband I don't love.

Maybe I could even have a social life.  That would be new.  And possibly exciting (or the worst thing ever and terribly anxiety inducing. One of the two).

I don't know...I don't really know what I want.

I've been really really feeling the lack of a significant other recently.  Which tends to happen this time of year (and during the summer.  It's just easier to deal with in winter).  I could settle, don't get me wrong, there are options, but they aren't...I know they aren't it.  I know it because (morbid as this sounds, please just go with it) when I feel like I really like someone, I imagine the rest of our lives together in whatever scenario fits my mood at the moment.  And some guys end up dying in a Zombie Apocalypse do to no fault of their own.  And some end up beating me.  Some end up with me getting cheated on and letting them go but hating myself because what about me wasn't good enough?

And that's just in my head people.  I...there were two guys I could have seen myself spending the rest of my life with.  But I didn't have the courage to fight for them when I should have, and I end up kicking myself for it because I could have had it.  I could have had it for a very long time.  Maybe (likely) not forever, but for longer than three weeks (my still current record, held now for three, almost four years come June).  And sure, my heart would likely have been broken to bits after it.  But it would be worth it.  Because...because I would have fought and won and kept him and loved.  And let myself love for once in my life.

Because I don't know if you've caught on yet, but I don't let myself do much of anything, emotionally.  Loving is top three.  Crying is right there with it.  Maybe just top two because I can't think of a third one.

And that's likely what's held me back.  Why I don't fight.  What's the point?  Who cares?  I do, but what does that matter?  Nothing I care about is important, after all.

(Don't panic!  These are just the thoughts in my head when it comes time to fight.)

I like to think I'm self-sacrificing.  I'm not.  I'm selfish and cowardly.  I'm a true Slytherin (No, I have not found this out on Pottermore, thanks).  I'm cunning only in that I'm doing this to maybe make myself look better so that they'll come back.

And maybe it's a sign that they don't.  I'm likely not supposed to be with them.  But it's so true.  I have only ever seen living the rest of my life out with two men, and both of them chose other girls.  One I'm glad to have gotten rid of.  The other...well, regardless, he chased after someone else, and used me (likely unintentionally, but that's kind of how it felt).

And it fucking hurt.  It did.  And I don't know why I'm writing all of this crap up right now.  How did this start?  I don't want to go back to school?

I'm a bloody mess...

Until Next Time, Dear Reader,


  1. Or you could travel the world, living in hostels and inns, working for your keep, having wild love affairs with devastatingly charming foreign men.

    And I have no doubts you could handle a 3rd job, however, do recall that you like having time for yourself. And I like having time with you too! (:

    1. See, that's what I think I should do. I'd need to update my passport, but after that, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can be the honeybadger of the human race. I also apparently should really see Eat, Love, Pray. :)

      And I've thought about the no-time-for-myself factor, and quite honestly, at this point, I need to just suck it up. The world does not cater to introverts, if I want to make it, I need to pretend I'm an extrovert. It can't be that difficult. I do it for work, if I'm always working, I never have to turn it off, and therefore will not notice the difference. In theory. I"m working on it, but I seriously need to just get over it. I'll get by, and if I can't handle it, I suppose I could just...quit one of the jobs. You know, like a normal person could.