Monday, September 10, 2012

Things that Terrify Me 3/?

It's the fact that I know it's not real that scares me the most.  Because usually when I notice it's not real, I wake up shortly thereafter, but with the night terrors (which is what they are, because now I'm seeing spiders on my comforter, and any arachnophobes need to stop reading now) I don't wake up right away.  I'm stuck with the sensation of movement (the dream) but not actually moving (the paralysis that keeps you from falling out of bed when you're in REM sleep), and it SUCKS.  I'm just sitting there, watching this brown recluse spider wander around right in front of my face, and I'm like 'Holy shit, need to get him off the bed' so I try blowing on him, and I attempt to lift my arms to wipe him off or flick him off or get him the HELL OFF MY BED, and it's not working and I can dream-feel (this is why the pinching-yourself-awake thing doesn't work for me, because when I dream-feel, it's like it's really happening) myself wiping my face with my glasses in hand (even though I'm not holding my glasses, hence why I knew it was dream-feeling) but I don't see my arms moving, and all I'm seeing is this stupid spider running back and forth across my comforter.  IT'S NOT VERY COMFORTING.

And all of this happens around the same time in the morning, after I wake up at around 5 or 6 or so and go relieve myself of my bodily fluids, then I go back to bed and tah-da, there you have it, stuck in this zone of terror for who knows how long.

And this time it bled into a dream, I didn't get to wake up, I just went back to sleep.  And the worst part is that I don't know if I'm screaming or talking in my sleep, or if it's just in my dream, because I can't tell the sensations apart usually.  And it was a dream with mostly analog clocks, because I couldn't move my arms to find my phone and check a digital one to make sure I was dreaming.  And when I finally did find my phone, I dream-called my cousin and that's about when the actual dream started.  And then I could feel my mom sitting on my bed (but couldn't see her even though my eyes were open -- though, again, not sure if dream or real) and touching my hair and saying how much she loved me, etc. etc. etc, and all I could ask her was "Don't be dead, please don't be dead."  Because that would be the only way she'd be in-not-in my room.  And I'm still worried.  So much so I've texted my mother to make sure she's okay, and will be on pins-and-needles until she gets back to me.

Though Dad hasn't said anything, but I'm not entirely sure she's not at work where he can't know how she's doing right at this very moment.

I hate having dreams where she's not okay.  This isn't the first time it's happened, and I don't imagine it will be the last.  I very rarely dream about anyone else not being okay.  Actually, I think I've never dreamt about my Dad (or at least, he was only there in passing), my sister will come in and out sometimes, but she's always fine, I rarely dream about anyone of import who I know is in my dream, usually it's just "people who could be other people sometimes".

But Mom is always Mom and it seems like there's always something wrong when I dream about her.  And since I've now moved out, I can't just check and make sure she's okay right away.  I have to wait and find out and that makes me so nervous.

Because I never do get an answer from her in my dreams.  So it's not like I know she's okay, even in my dream (then again, I never know she's not okay in my dream, it's just what it looks and feels like).

I dunno... I guess that's why this is part of the "Things that Terrify Me" series, huh?

I can't wait until whatever causes these goes away again.  I'm certain it's the time of year/stress/combination of both.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers (I hope it won't be another installation of this series),

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