Monday, January 23, 2012

Feelings of Inadequacy...

Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking "oh no, she's going into another woebegone sob story about how she doesn't feel like she matters".  You're only half right.

I start with my feelings of inadequacy.  I've always felt like I was fairly easily forgettable.  I didn't feel like I made much of an impact in anyone's day.  Hell, I didn't think I'd made much of an impact in anyone's life.  Certainly not the way most people made an impact on me.  Sure I had fantasies of grandeur and of people remembering who I was years and years and years after we'd all lost touch, but they were simply fantasies that had no basis in reality, I thought.

You know that plotline from "It's a Wonderful Life" where the main character feels as though everything would have been better if they'd never been born?  Then they're proven wrong, and shown how everything would actually be worse if they'd never been around, blah blah blah.  I always wondered what the world would have been like without me, and you know what, I can't see it being overly affected.  Hell, it might even be better for some people.  I dunno.

This isn't to say I'm going to try something stupid, since I've been around of course people care about me and wouldn't want anything to happen, but if they'd never known me...what would that have been like?

Augh, point.  I had a point, this isn't just me rambling, I swear. (okay, it's me rambling, but I am trying to get somewhere).

But anyway, I've been learning recently that I am actually remembered by people who knew me way back when, &c, &c, &c.  They don't know it, but saying "oh we miss having you around" or "I'm so glad you're here" makes a world of difference in my day.  It's nice not to be overlooked sometimes.  I know it happens a lot.  (I'm not exactly noticeable, visually or intellectually.  I don't really make much of an impression, if I make one at all.  I'm not outgoing or vivacious or anything exciting.  I don't do much with my time, I'm working on a BUSINESS Degree for Christ's sake.  That's one of the more boring degrees, right next to Accounting and Finance.  I don't go out, I don't party, I don't know lots of people with lots of connections, I don't really hang out with many people outside of a close circle that consists of mostly my family and a couple others.  I'm an introvert with shy tendencies.  I connect more to inanimate objects than I do to people.  I know I'm not exactly the most interesting person on the planet.)

But every now and again, it's nice to hear that you've been remembered.  (I suppose Inadequacy wasn't quite the right word, but it rolls so nicely off the tongue/brain, that I can't really bring myself to change it.)

I hope that's plenty of parenthetical notes for you guys.  I swear, The Princess Bride is going to rub off on my writing style, and I'm not sure if it's going to be a good thing or a bad thing...

I think that's where I'll leave it, with me saying that, despite my boring-ness, I still sometimes get noticed, and that makes me feel good.

Until Next Time, Dear Readers,

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