Friday, December 23, 2011

Errbody in the Club Gettin' Issues.

I couldn't think of any funnier way to title this, so I apologize.  This is going to be kind of a personal entry...

I've dealt with abandonment issues since I can reliably remember and I think a little before that as well.  Now, remember, all of my "issues" or "neuroses" are undiagnosed except for by me.  This is just me being self-centered again.  I do it a lot.

Probably why I started a blog.

No, no we're on the topic of abandonment, I will not get into my self-centeredness yet.

I don't know if I fear being left behind and pushed aside and forgotten, or if I just think it's inevitable.  I mean, really, why would anyone want me around?  I forget things, I over book myself on my time with people, I'm not interesting or funny or good looking.  I'm not smart or clever, I'm not gregarious, I'm not social.  I have no idea why people hang out with me, ever.  I have no idea why people even bother to talk to me.  I've never known.  And when people do come into my life and talk to me and hang out with me and make a point to be around me (no matter how small a part of our relationship that point is) all I'm doing is waiting for them to get tired of me and leave, because I know it's bound to happen some time.

I also have a hard time forgetting people who come into my life and make an impact, even though I know I'm probably the last person they'll ever think about.

My parents never gave me any reason to believe they'd leave me behind or forget about me, but I was always sure that when it came time to push me out into the world, they'd just let me go and not give a shit about me.  I've since learned that was wrong thinking, since I am even closer to them than before.  But they're the only ones who haven't.  They haven't pushed me away, they haven't left me behind, they haven't forgotten about me.

Everyone else has.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother.  With getting close to people, I mean.  Obviously no one wants to, and I always attach myself to them more than they're attached to me.  I never choose to leave people behind, if I've said I have, I'm lying.

But then again, we'll head back to the self-centered issue and assume I'm just being conceited and move on with our lives, shall we?

I've tried so hard in this blog to make it sound like everything is going to be okay and that I'm fine and I don't have any emotional issues with anything.  I probably failed miserably, but now I'm not even going to try.

Not today anyway.

So, abandonment issues and self-image issues and self-centeredness issues and all, here I am.  You don't have to like it, you don't have to keep reading, you don't have to be my friend, you don't have to like me.  I'm used to it, I'll get by.  It won't be fine.  It won't be okay, but I'll do it.

Here's an apology I wrote when I was fourteen and trying so hard to be emo just to fit in with someone, because sometimes I still feel that way.  I doubt I'll ever stop:

I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be
I'm sorry I'm too short and fat
I'm sorry for being lazy
I'm sorry for being a procrastinator
I'm sorry I lie
I'm sorry I cheat
I'm sorry I don't do what you want
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I don't tell you everything
I'm sorry for everything

I'm sorry you expect too much of me
I'm sorry I can't grow and shrink
I'm sorry I don't want to be motivated
I'm sorry I want to put everything off
I'm sorry I don't tell the truth
I'm sorry I don't always do things morally
I'm sorry I do what I want
I'm sorry I do things wrong
I'm sorry I'm afraid to tell you who I really am
I just feel like you wouldn't accept anything other than what you want.


That's that I suppose...

I'm going to go finish the cry I started up about halfway through this, then I'm going to promptly attempt to pretend it never happened.

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