Thursday, October 25, 2012

Dear People Of the Internet

I fear I am once again falling into my reclusive, antisocial habits.  (and by fear, I mostly mean, well, it sucks for you, but it happens).

As it turns out, I'm not actually a very social butterfly.  Even on the internet.  Oh sure, I go through swings of social activity, perhaps even off line.  But for the most part, I have lived my life sitting back and watching through the window of my computer screen.  I like it that way, quite frankly.  I also like having friends.  Unfortunately, these two things don't tend to be one and the same.

Let me explain.

When I was 12, I was given a crash course on the internet by two friends I have since lost touch with.  This crash course consisted mostly of a website wherein one could take quizzes (that often times took the form of a "choose your own adventure" story featuring oneself and their romantic interest of a fictional nature).  It was my first introduction to fan fiction, which I assume was the point behind the friendship, other than giving me slightly better friends with which to compare the friends I had acquired previously (a lesson I didn't realize until just now).

REGARDLESS, most of these stories one couldn't comment on, aside from perhaps "favorite"ing the story or artwork, etc. in question.

Then they changed the site.  This allowed for a "Messaging" feature to be added, and then, if you so chose, you could contact the author of the story you enjoyed.  Well, that was a frightening prospect indeed, so I chose not to partake, until I started writing my own stories on this quiz site.

Then I acquired my first online friend.  We stayed online friends until I met her possibly three or four years ago.  Then we were still online friends, but we'd met in person, so it didn't quite qualify as a solely "online" friendship. (and then I promptly went into stealth mode, and we don't really talk a whole lot, or, well, as much, anymore)

This was where I started to notice my "dead" spells.

When you keep in constant contact with certain individuals for an extended period of time, you notice when you don't keep in contact.

For me, it was like playing a game.

In the first stage, I simply chose not to visit a certain site or open my AIM chat window (or lied and put it as "away" or "invisible".  The reason for doing so at this stage wasn't important, except that I felt the need to be online without talking to anyone.  Perhaps it was a bad day.  We'll go with that.

Then, a few days later, when I haven't responded to messages, emails, or chat requests, it's awkward, because I have been online, and coming back "online" for my friends might require an explanation as to why I was gone, other than "I just wasn't feeling like talking", or -- no, actually, that's pretty much all it ever is.  So then it was a game of "avoid."  Keep your status as "away", don't answer messages, don't respond to emails.  Just read your fan fiction, your web comics, and watch your youtube videos.

Then, after realizing that this wasn't going anywhere, I would go back, never be asked as to where I had been (okay, well sometimes I would, but then I would just say "I wasn't really feeling like being online") and things would go back to normal, no harm, no foul.

This has happened more than once, and it happens at increasing rates when I find there are people I enjoy talking to, either on the internet, or on my phone (text message only people, who do you think I am? I despise phone calls, but I can and will make/answer them if it is so required of me).

I'm just...not really good at the social interaction thing.  I fake it well enough, never you mind that, so if thrust into a social situation with me, you probably won't notice.  But I will, and it makes me feel awkward, and THAT comes across loud and clear (well, I assume.  They do say it's the thought that counts, and if I think I'm awkward, it probably comes across that way to others, despite how terribly eloquent I might happen to be or not to be at the time).

The internet is a terrible enabler, too.  Because you can just lurk about and no one will even know you were there.  Heck, they might not even care if they could know.  And a lot of times, I hide behind it.

Mind, I don't see this as a problem, I'm simply stating facts for those out there who might be interested.

Mostly because if you don't hear from me for a few days, assume that I'm just being antisocial again, and while I might be able to respond, I might just not want to talk to anyone.

But if it's been more than a month and there has been no post on ANY site of mine (and if you've found this blog, you have probably found other sites of mine), you should perhaps worry a little, because at that point, the Zombies have probably gotten to me, or I have been kidnaped or something else strangely horrible has probably happened.  Because the internet is my FRIEND.  and I wouldn't abandon it for something so silly as not wanting to talk to people.  At the very least, there would be activity on my deviantART or my youtube accounts.  As long as those are still working, I'm still alive.  And usually if you contact my phone, I'll get back to you.  More likely through text than a call, for the aforementioned reasons, but I will get back to you.

I'm just warning you all, because I feel another stint coming on, and I've recently acquired friends, who might actually worry about my whereabouts and/or my activity on the internet.

Be ye not afraid, I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now and need some me time.  Also, I have school still (for freaking forever, apparently), and I've recently come to find I love the Television again. So we'll see how long that affair lasts, and I'll likely have something to update with by the time I return.

Until next time, Dear readers,

1 comment: