It's what I'm going to call the feeling when you've just been around too many people for too fucking long and you're tired and exhausted and irritable for no goddamn reason. My limit is about 7 days with more than 5 other people. Well, apparently, anyway.
So I'm taking today off and not doing a DAMN thing. I'm just kind of over socialization. I really need to eat soon though, but I have no snacking foods in the general vicinity of my bed, and my current (soon-to-be-former) roommates are moving in their new roommate into the extra bedroom. I don't want to leave because they're in front of my door. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me. However, I haven't had anything to eat since lunch yesterday at about 12:30 or so, and I've done kind of a lot, so I know I need to eat, but I just...it can wait.
I will be moving soon, however. I've been really slacking in my packing up of my shit. I need to be out of here by the end of the month, and I'm super psyched about my new place, but at the same time...It's just so much WORK. And I don't really want to do it.
But the sooner I move, the sooner I can be in my new bed I bought yesterday. It's another futon, but it's WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY better quality than the one I have been using, and also I got a new mattress too, so I'm just going to be sleeping on unicorn farts and marshmallow pillows. Don't mind me!
I was going to try and write other things, but that's pretty much all I got for you.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
So Yeah
It's been a while, and apparently I just feel like writing tonight.
Lucky you guys.
My computer is fixed (yay!). I'm moving in a month (yay?). Work is kind of stressful (yay...).
And I'm kind of really annoyed and upset and confused and conflicted and a lot of other very unhappy-like emotions.
But I'm not sad. Which is weird. Mostly angry feelings. Which is fine. Could be worse. I'd rather be angry-upset than sad-upset. Likely less crying and FAR more exciting ways to get rid of the negative energy.
It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday. My weekend was ballin' though. Hung out with my main girl GL. Oh! And my maid of honor dress came in today (I'm super excited!!!!!!! You really don't have any idea exactly how excited I am about it).
But work has been kind of stressful. Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like it's difficult, it's just that there's a lot hinging on me doing well, and that's really nerve-wracking.
Although, my mindset has been more positive recently than it has EVER been, so that's been kind of a plus side to this whole situation.
And I'm avoiding conflict again. Which is something I need to not be doing, but I'm going to do it right now anyway, because I REALLY should not be answering any emails right now. Actually I probably should get to bed. I do have work in the morning, and I really don't want Dad to get upset with me about being late.
But I just...I needed to put this out here I guess. And so here it is.
I just really don't want to answer this person right now. I don't know that I have anything to say on the matter. Everything I've felt I already expressed. It's done and over with. I've forgiven the parties involved. Doesn't mean I'm not still annoyed that things played out the way they did, but I can't change any of it, and there was no way I could have controlled it at the time either. They control their reactions, and I can only control mine.
And right now I'm not answering that email.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Lucky you guys.
My computer is fixed (yay!). I'm moving in a month (yay?). Work is kind of stressful (yay...).
And I'm kind of really annoyed and upset and confused and conflicted and a lot of other very unhappy-like emotions.
But I'm not sad. Which is weird. Mostly angry feelings. Which is fine. Could be worse. I'd rather be angry-upset than sad-upset. Likely less crying and FAR more exciting ways to get rid of the negative energy.
It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday. My weekend was ballin' though. Hung out with my main girl GL. Oh! And my maid of honor dress came in today (I'm super excited!!!!!!! You really don't have any idea exactly how excited I am about it).
But work has been kind of stressful. Oh don't get me wrong, it's not like it's difficult, it's just that there's a lot hinging on me doing well, and that's really nerve-wracking.
Although, my mindset has been more positive recently than it has EVER been, so that's been kind of a plus side to this whole situation.
And I'm avoiding conflict again. Which is something I need to not be doing, but I'm going to do it right now anyway, because I REALLY should not be answering any emails right now. Actually I probably should get to bed. I do have work in the morning, and I really don't want Dad to get upset with me about being late.
But I just...I needed to put this out here I guess. And so here it is.
I just really don't want to answer this person right now. I don't know that I have anything to say on the matter. Everything I've felt I already expressed. It's done and over with. I've forgiven the parties involved. Doesn't mean I'm not still annoyed that things played out the way they did, but I can't change any of it, and there was no way I could have controlled it at the time either. They control their reactions, and I can only control mine.
And right now I'm not answering that email.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
A Quick Update
I'm currently without a working computer anywhere but work. I should probably be doing that, but apparently I cannot focus today.
Luckily my parents don't read this. Even though sometimes I wish they would.
But, yes. Not a week after dragging my phone through the river in a mostly waterproof box except for the part where we didn't make sure it was closed all of the way, I spilled soda all on the one side of my laptop computer. Luckily it was the side without the motherboard. I'll be taking it to a place locally to get it (hopefully) fixed. The computer works fine, it's the keyboard that's shit right now. The keys don't "stick" as such, but they weren't working. So there's that.
And my iPhone is still on the rice. We're just going to leave it there for a week (we finally go the back off of it and are just letting it drain some more. There was apparently still water in there. Which sucks. I'm pretty sure it's just the screen. It was the last time I tried to use it, but with the water still in there and the fact that I can't leave shit alone, it may have fucked something else up. I'm not sure.
So I've been using an old android we had from the last wave of phone upgrades. Thank god my dad is an electronics hoarder.
My mind is running a blank. I guess I'll do some actual work now.
Until Next Time (whenever that is)
Me
Luckily my parents don't read this. Even though sometimes I wish they would.
But, yes. Not a week after dragging my phone through the river in a mostly waterproof box except for the part where we didn't make sure it was closed all of the way, I spilled soda all on the one side of my laptop computer. Luckily it was the side without the motherboard. I'll be taking it to a place locally to get it (hopefully) fixed. The computer works fine, it's the keyboard that's shit right now. The keys don't "stick" as such, but they weren't working. So there's that.
And my iPhone is still on the rice. We're just going to leave it there for a week (we finally go the back off of it and are just letting it drain some more. There was apparently still water in there. Which sucks. I'm pretty sure it's just the screen. It was the last time I tried to use it, but with the water still in there and the fact that I can't leave shit alone, it may have fucked something else up. I'm not sure.
So I've been using an old android we had from the last wave of phone upgrades. Thank god my dad is an electronics hoarder.
My mind is running a blank. I guess I'll do some actual work now.
Until Next Time (whenever that is)
Me
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Okay, Fine, A Rant It Is...
Look, I'm fine with people having a different opinion than myself. In fact, I encourage it, because it leads to interesting debate and diversity of thought and growth among our society.
But if you're trying to make a goddamn point, please use a method that doesn't tear down others. Satire is fine, but remember that it's satire and not an insult-comedy night. Not that I have anything against insult-comedy, but there are some places it shouldn't be used. Like in a serious issue.
I just...It irritates me when I see people misuse satire. Because I'm a fan. I'm a big fan if it's done right. I'm not saying I'm proficient in it by any means, but sarcasm and irony have always held a spot close to my heart, and Satire brings eloquent words into the mix. And you know me and words. If you have a big enough vocabulary, you could probably get me to do just about anything.
But Satire is not the base mocking of a person and their beliefs. Which is what I see labeled as satire mostly these days. It's just not. That is insult comedy and is fun for cheap laughs at a dive bar, but not a media in which you should be expressing your opinion if you wish to be taken seriously by anyone outside of your opinion.
I've never understood the draw behind political cartoons. I really don't. I get that other people like them and think they are a funny, eloquent way of expressing a disdain for a particular belief or side of an issue.
However, what they say to me is that it's okay to mock others openly, just because you don't agree with what someone else thinks. And I don't think that's right or fair. Because no matter which side it comes from, it is offensive, and someone's going to get their knickers in a twist, retaliate, and then the original side who came out with the cartoon will get offended right back.
Where is the fucking sense in that? No, no one's going to get along all of the time, but for Fuck's Sake, people, can't we try and have an adult conversation about our beliefs without it degenerating into name calling and vicious mocking? Please?
Are we not all adults here? Because the last time I checked, I think all of us are. We just never act like it.
Again, satire is fine, the expression of differing beliefs is fine.
Outright mockery and debasement and plain irreverence for something another person holds dear to themselves as you hold dear to yourself is not.
Remember that the people on the other side of the argument probably have pretty good reasons for being there -- just like you have pretty good reasons for being on your side of the argument.
Now, because I understand not everyone is going to feel this way, have at. Run me through. I dare you.
Might even laugh, who knows. But for GODS SAKE, please just use your WORDS.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me.
But if you're trying to make a goddamn point, please use a method that doesn't tear down others. Satire is fine, but remember that it's satire and not an insult-comedy night. Not that I have anything against insult-comedy, but there are some places it shouldn't be used. Like in a serious issue.
I just...It irritates me when I see people misuse satire. Because I'm a fan. I'm a big fan if it's done right. I'm not saying I'm proficient in it by any means, but sarcasm and irony have always held a spot close to my heart, and Satire brings eloquent words into the mix. And you know me and words. If you have a big enough vocabulary, you could probably get me to do just about anything.
But Satire is not the base mocking of a person and their beliefs. Which is what I see labeled as satire mostly these days. It's just not. That is insult comedy and is fun for cheap laughs at a dive bar, but not a media in which you should be expressing your opinion if you wish to be taken seriously by anyone outside of your opinion.
I've never understood the draw behind political cartoons. I really don't. I get that other people like them and think they are a funny, eloquent way of expressing a disdain for a particular belief or side of an issue.
However, what they say to me is that it's okay to mock others openly, just because you don't agree with what someone else thinks. And I don't think that's right or fair. Because no matter which side it comes from, it is offensive, and someone's going to get their knickers in a twist, retaliate, and then the original side who came out with the cartoon will get offended right back.
Where is the fucking sense in that? No, no one's going to get along all of the time, but for Fuck's Sake, people, can't we try and have an adult conversation about our beliefs without it degenerating into name calling and vicious mocking? Please?
Are we not all adults here? Because the last time I checked, I think all of us are. We just never act like it.
Again, satire is fine, the expression of differing beliefs is fine.
Outright mockery and debasement and plain irreverence for something another person holds dear to themselves as you hold dear to yourself is not.
Remember that the people on the other side of the argument probably have pretty good reasons for being there -- just like you have pretty good reasons for being on your side of the argument.
Now, because I understand not everyone is going to feel this way, have at. Run me through. I dare you.
Might even laugh, who knows. But for GODS SAKE, please just use your WORDS.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Wine Stakeout
Been putting off updating for a while. Had a couple good topics, but they ended up not going many places, so I never actually followed through.
I'm addicted to Restaurant Stakeout. I've caught it a couple times at work, and I can't help but just watch. It's like a trainwreck that ends well. You watch these people just fail miserably at customer service, something I've always held myself to a high standard about so it really just rubs my buttons the wrong direction when I see it done wrong. (Note: I don't actually notice if it's directed at myself being the customer, but I absolutely notice if I'm serving, or if I'm watching someone else get poor service). And it's just...ahgh...
Since I don't have cable connected to the TV in my room (and, honestly, don't really want it), I'm watching it on YouTube. Which is, like, my favorite thing ever, YouTube is. You can find anything you need.
I'm waiting to hear back from my first choice as far as a new job goes. I've been lazy and haven't been going out and searching for any other jobs, but that's going to change.
I need to cut my fringe and dye my hair again. The blonde is coming back and the brown is starting to fade. I've got another box, I'm just not motivated right now. Honestly, I need a whole damn haircut, but I'm mildly terrified of doing it myself, but I'm trying to be good and save my money so I'm not going to go and get it done just yet. (although, $20 bucks isn't that much, and that includes tip)
I need new glasses, too. Rather, new lenses. These will hold out for a little while, but still.
There's your update on my life. It's short, but...well, there's just not really a whole lot going on right now.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
I'm addicted to Restaurant Stakeout. I've caught it a couple times at work, and I can't help but just watch. It's like a trainwreck that ends well. You watch these people just fail miserably at customer service, something I've always held myself to a high standard about so it really just rubs my buttons the wrong direction when I see it done wrong. (Note: I don't actually notice if it's directed at myself being the customer, but I absolutely notice if I'm serving, or if I'm watching someone else get poor service). And it's just...ahgh...
Since I don't have cable connected to the TV in my room (and, honestly, don't really want it), I'm watching it on YouTube. Which is, like, my favorite thing ever, YouTube is. You can find anything you need.
I'm waiting to hear back from my first choice as far as a new job goes. I've been lazy and haven't been going out and searching for any other jobs, but that's going to change.
I need to cut my fringe and dye my hair again. The blonde is coming back and the brown is starting to fade. I've got another box, I'm just not motivated right now. Honestly, I need a whole damn haircut, but I'm mildly terrified of doing it myself, but I'm trying to be good and save my money so I'm not going to go and get it done just yet. (although, $20 bucks isn't that much, and that includes tip)
I need new glasses, too. Rather, new lenses. These will hold out for a little while, but still.
There's your update on my life. It's short, but...well, there's just not really a whole lot going on right now.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Adult, Big-girl Decisions.
I made one today.
I gave my two-weeks notice at the hotel I work at.
Reasons why I'm quitting (in case anyone cares)***
-- Too much misinformation. A good example: what I left this evening. I was told via email from the GM that I was to show up this evening for bar shift. Fine, no big deal. This was Thursday. He had three days to correct me. I came in this evening (not really wanting to, obviously, as I've been over this whole thing for, like, months) only to find out I wasn't even on the schedule for tonight, and therefore superfluous. Which brings me to my next bullet point.
-- Perceived under-appreciation. I only say perceived because honestly, I have no gage to compare this job to. But frankly, I feel like I'm worked harder than a lot of other people are, for a lot less time, and a lot less money. And I'm never told if I'm doing a good job. I'm only ever told I'm doing something wrong, and that's after I've been doing it wrong. Again, segueing into my next bullet point.
-- Lack of communication that's never resolved. I've brought it up with the management several times more than I think I should have to, and it's obviously a problem they know about (as they've flat out told me a couple times). No one talks to one another.
-- Inconsistent hours/Unclear schedules. I'm not asking for a set weekly schedule, I'm not even asking for full time (well, not at the time, anyway, I will be now), but it would be nice if I knew how long I was going to be at this place, or what day I could expect to be there. Or even if they would honor the fact that I would like a specific day off. But they don't. I understand sometimes they can't, but when the day I've asked for off isn't a) busy or b) a day someone else couldn't take/I'm not needed for, I start wondering if maybe they just don't fucking care.
-- Lack of acceptance by my coworkers. I've been there for almost two years. I don't hang out with or know the people I work with outside of work. Oh, they all know each other and hang out with each other (I hear there's a day they all go out for a drink together if they can, but damned if I know what day it is). But I'm not invited. I've only JUST started making "friends" with people. Which mostly means they're friendlier to me than some of the other people I work with.
-- The hotel doesn't work as a team. It's more like a bunch of different teams working for the same cause. No one helps anyone else out. If it's not on someone's checklist, they don't do it -- even if it needs to be done and they're the only one around who can take care of it. There have been several times where I've done something that wasn't my duty because I saw it needed doing. Hell, I'll even let people know I've done it. But no one else that I can see does that.
-- I never felt as if I were working for the company. I was always only working for the people directly above me. I'm one of those people who just does as they're told. I'm told it's a marketable skill. But I'll be honest, the only thing that's kept me coming back these past few months has been the customers. They're the bright point in my day when I work there. They're the ones I enjoy being nice to. And considering I trolled CustomersSuck.com before I started working, I was honestly expecting to have more hellish customers than I ever did.
-- While the managers at the hotel are lovely people, just really great, nice, friendly, personable - they are not good management. They don't take care of problems in the staff, they don't handle the schedule, they just don't take care of things the way I was led to believe managers were supposed to be able to take care of things.
-- And the end-all-be-all is that this isn't the field I want to be in, long-term. I want to be a bartender. We don't have a full bar. Can you see why this might be a problem for me?
I'm just done. I'm so over all of this.
And if Dominos doesn't stop putting a fucking ranch container in my chicken wings when I SPECIFICALLY CLICK NO RANCH (I even pick a completely different sauce), I'm going to have to fucking complain.
Nope, said something in the comments section online. We're good now. I'll probably never hear back from them.
Ugh, I'm just...I'm so done.
Until next time, dear readers.
Me
I gave my two-weeks notice at the hotel I work at.
Reasons why I'm quitting (in case anyone cares)***
-- Too much misinformation. A good example: what I left this evening. I was told via email from the GM that I was to show up this evening for bar shift. Fine, no big deal. This was Thursday. He had three days to correct me. I came in this evening (not really wanting to, obviously, as I've been over this whole thing for, like, months) only to find out I wasn't even on the schedule for tonight, and therefore superfluous. Which brings me to my next bullet point.
-- Perceived under-appreciation. I only say perceived because honestly, I have no gage to compare this job to. But frankly, I feel like I'm worked harder than a lot of other people are, for a lot less time, and a lot less money. And I'm never told if I'm doing a good job. I'm only ever told I'm doing something wrong, and that's after I've been doing it wrong. Again, segueing into my next bullet point.
-- Lack of communication that's never resolved. I've brought it up with the management several times more than I think I should have to, and it's obviously a problem they know about (as they've flat out told me a couple times). No one talks to one another.
-- Inconsistent hours/Unclear schedules. I'm not asking for a set weekly schedule, I'm not even asking for full time (well, not at the time, anyway, I will be now), but it would be nice if I knew how long I was going to be at this place, or what day I could expect to be there. Or even if they would honor the fact that I would like a specific day off. But they don't. I understand sometimes they can't, but when the day I've asked for off isn't a) busy or b) a day someone else couldn't take/I'm not needed for, I start wondering if maybe they just don't fucking care.
-- Lack of acceptance by my coworkers. I've been there for almost two years. I don't hang out with or know the people I work with outside of work. Oh, they all know each other and hang out with each other (I hear there's a day they all go out for a drink together if they can, but damned if I know what day it is). But I'm not invited. I've only JUST started making "friends" with people. Which mostly means they're friendlier to me than some of the other people I work with.
-- The hotel doesn't work as a team. It's more like a bunch of different teams working for the same cause. No one helps anyone else out. If it's not on someone's checklist, they don't do it -- even if it needs to be done and they're the only one around who can take care of it. There have been several times where I've done something that wasn't my duty because I saw it needed doing. Hell, I'll even let people know I've done it. But no one else that I can see does that.
-- I never felt as if I were working for the company. I was always only working for the people directly above me. I'm one of those people who just does as they're told. I'm told it's a marketable skill. But I'll be honest, the only thing that's kept me coming back these past few months has been the customers. They're the bright point in my day when I work there. They're the ones I enjoy being nice to. And considering I trolled CustomersSuck.com before I started working, I was honestly expecting to have more hellish customers than I ever did.
-- While the managers at the hotel are lovely people, just really great, nice, friendly, personable - they are not good management. They don't take care of problems in the staff, they don't handle the schedule, they just don't take care of things the way I was led to believe managers were supposed to be able to take care of things.
-- And the end-all-be-all is that this isn't the field I want to be in, long-term. I want to be a bartender. We don't have a full bar. Can you see why this might be a problem for me?
I'm just done. I'm so over all of this.
And if Dominos doesn't stop putting a fucking ranch container in my chicken wings when I SPECIFICALLY CLICK NO RANCH (I even pick a completely different sauce), I'm going to have to fucking complain.
Nope, said something in the comments section online. We're good now. I'll probably never hear back from them.
Ugh, I'm just...I'm so done.
Until next time, dear readers.
Me
Monday, May 13, 2013
Crossroads and Turnstiles
I could have written song titles for an emo band. They never hired me because they didn't know I was amazing.
Friday started out as a not so good day. As I'm sure you all are aware. Because that was the last time I updated my blog. It didn't exactly start getting any better after I signed off, either.
I never got a call back from the mall Lost and Found, which is fine, because whoever took those things probably needed them. Good for them. I'm glad I could help.
I did manage to pull off a C in Microeconomics, which was good. But I'll be honest, I was really dreading the marathon work weekend that was ahead of me at that time.
Let me break down my schedule for you, so you understand my mindset going into this past weekend.
I had work at 5:30pm on Friday. I worked until 11. Then I got to go home and sleep until 5:30am on Saturday, so I could go BACK INTO WORK at 6:30am. I worked there until 12. I got back home and then left again to be BACK AT WORK at 5:30pm Saturday night where I worked until 11, then had to drive ALL THE WAY HOME to get the fuck to sleep so I could get BACK TO WORK at 6:30am Sunday morning. I worked 22 hours this weekend. And if you're counting, that gave me about 17 hours to sleep and I'll tell you what, I didn't use all of them for sleeping. Because ain't no way I was getting a proper nap during the afternoon hours.
So on my way to work on Friday, I was admittedly a little stressed out, very angry still about the whole lost-and-found ordeal, and frankly I'm fed up with the job that made me work 22 hours on the weekend after exams before I graduate AFTER I TOLD THEM I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO WORK ON THIS SOCIAL LIFE I'M ACCRUING.
So I yelled, and I screamed, and I raged, and I knew my emotions weren't blown out of proportion because I'd just eaten and usually that will quell most of the angry feelings I have.
And all of the sudden, in the middle of a rant about how frustrated and fed up I was at this job, I suddenly said (It's going to be in all caps because I was yelling) "YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY DON'T FUCKING DESERVE THAT I WORK THERE, THAT I BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR THEM. I AM FUCKING AMAZING, AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIND ANYONE ELSE WHO WILL WAKE UP TO BE AT WORK TEN MINUTES EARLY FOR A SHIFT THAT STARTS AT 5:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING ON A WEEKEND. THEY WILL NEVER FIND ANY ONE ELSE WHO WILL SACRIFICE WHAT VERY LITTLE SOCIAL LIFE THEY HAVE AT THE AGE OF 21 FOR THEIR JOB. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THEY HAVE IT WITH ME. I RARELY CALL IN SICK, I SHOW UP EARLY FOR MY SHIFT ALMOST ALL OF THE TIME, AND I DO EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING SMILE ON MY GODDAMN FACE BECAUSE I AM ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND I AM THE ONLY PERSON THERE WHO IS ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME."
And it suddenly hit me, not long after that paragraph, that I had, in a great rage of anger, called myself wonderful, and fantastic, and that, no, they absolutely do not deserve the fact that I work for them. Because I am fucking amazing, and they don't appreciate it. I was supposed to get a raise after my first year. I got $0.25 cents more per hour. I am not earning as much per hour as other people who have been there for a shorter amount of time. I've worked at this job for almost 2 years now. I know I'm not there day-in-and-day-out like other people, but my god, I am constantly smiling at the customer, even if they're pissing me off, or my co-workers are pissing me off. And other people at this place will openly roll their eyes, talk about unrelated things in front of the customers, will disrespect the customers, will cut up in front of the customers, will not try to be nice to the customers, and I do. In fact, the customers are the HIGHLIGHT of my day at work.
Which is not said very often AT ALL. In fact, usually people complain about customers. But I'm like, no the customers are the reason you have a fucking job, please be grateful they are even deigning to stand in front of you with your sassy, know-it-all attitude and your thinly-veiled contempt for the very air they are breathing.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit on the part of my coworkers.
But the point here is that, usually, when I'm upset, and angry and even if it's not my fault that I'm upset or angry, or if there is nothing in my power to change anything I've done, I put myself down. I tear into myself and I make myself feel like absolute shit.
And I didn't. I didn't do that. In fact, I built myself up, and I realized I'm not a shitty human being. And I have NEVER done this before. This is a breakthrough in that whole "love yourself and you can love others more" thing.
I recently confessed to a small group of people that I had managed to convince myself that very few people genuinely liked me. Every single time I tell people this, they give me a funny look. And intellectually I knew I was wrong. I knew it couldn't be true. Didn't mean I didn't believe it, though.
And yeah, okay, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not a social pariah. People do genuinely like me and want to hang out with me. And that is frankly fucking amazing.
I don't know you guys. It's been three days and I STILL think I'm bloody fantastic, it hasn't gone away or been over-powered by doubts and anxiety. I'm not sure what to do with all of this information here.
But I want you all to know that I appreciate that you've stuck with me through my very slow process of believing I'm not complete shit. If you're out there, reading this, and think something is wrong with you, or think that no one likes you, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and that I will tell you you are wrong, and that I like you. I think you're amazing, and wonderful, and I don't care if you don't believe me because I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
Thanks for being here for me. I was almost going to say I didn't know what I would have done without you, but at the same time, I realize I probably would have kept updating anyway, because this shit is cathartic for me. Writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and anxieties and worries and troubles and then just putting them out there, for someone, anyone to stumble across one day, that's what keeps me writing. I've never kept up with any kind of journal or diary (or blog) like I've kept up with this, and it's mostly because I can't put anything as private. All of it goes out into the world. Every single word I write. And it's amazing.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Friday started out as a not so good day. As I'm sure you all are aware. Because that was the last time I updated my blog. It didn't exactly start getting any better after I signed off, either.
I never got a call back from the mall Lost and Found, which is fine, because whoever took those things probably needed them. Good for them. I'm glad I could help.
I did manage to pull off a C in Microeconomics, which was good. But I'll be honest, I was really dreading the marathon work weekend that was ahead of me at that time.
Let me break down my schedule for you, so you understand my mindset going into this past weekend.
I had work at 5:30pm on Friday. I worked until 11. Then I got to go home and sleep until 5:30am on Saturday, so I could go BACK INTO WORK at 6:30am. I worked there until 12. I got back home and then left again to be BACK AT WORK at 5:30pm Saturday night where I worked until 11, then had to drive ALL THE WAY HOME to get the fuck to sleep so I could get BACK TO WORK at 6:30am Sunday morning. I worked 22 hours this weekend. And if you're counting, that gave me about 17 hours to sleep and I'll tell you what, I didn't use all of them for sleeping. Because ain't no way I was getting a proper nap during the afternoon hours.
So on my way to work on Friday, I was admittedly a little stressed out, very angry still about the whole lost-and-found ordeal, and frankly I'm fed up with the job that made me work 22 hours on the weekend after exams before I graduate AFTER I TOLD THEM I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE MORE TIME TO WORK ON THIS SOCIAL LIFE I'M ACCRUING.
So I yelled, and I screamed, and I raged, and I knew my emotions weren't blown out of proportion because I'd just eaten and usually that will quell most of the angry feelings I have.
And all of the sudden, in the middle of a rant about how frustrated and fed up I was at this job, I suddenly said (It's going to be in all caps because I was yelling) "YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY DON'T FUCKING DESERVE THAT I WORK THERE, THAT I BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR THEM. I AM FUCKING AMAZING, AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIND ANYONE ELSE WHO WILL WAKE UP TO BE AT WORK TEN MINUTES EARLY FOR A SHIFT THAT STARTS AT 5:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING ON A WEEKEND. THEY WILL NEVER FIND ANY ONE ELSE WHO WILL SACRIFICE WHAT VERY LITTLE SOCIAL LIFE THEY HAVE AT THE AGE OF 21 FOR THEIR JOB. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD THEY HAVE IT WITH ME. I RARELY CALL IN SICK, I SHOW UP EARLY FOR MY SHIFT ALMOST ALL OF THE TIME, AND I DO EVERYTHING WITH A FUCKING SMILE ON MY GODDAMN FACE BECAUSE I AM ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND I AM THE ONLY PERSON THERE WHO IS ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME."
And it suddenly hit me, not long after that paragraph, that I had, in a great rage of anger, called myself wonderful, and fantastic, and that, no, they absolutely do not deserve the fact that I work for them. Because I am fucking amazing, and they don't appreciate it. I was supposed to get a raise after my first year. I got $0.25 cents more per hour. I am not earning as much per hour as other people who have been there for a shorter amount of time. I've worked at this job for almost 2 years now. I know I'm not there day-in-and-day-out like other people, but my god, I am constantly smiling at the customer, even if they're pissing me off, or my co-workers are pissing me off. And other people at this place will openly roll their eyes, talk about unrelated things in front of the customers, will disrespect the customers, will cut up in front of the customers, will not try to be nice to the customers, and I do. In fact, the customers are the HIGHLIGHT of my day at work.
Which is not said very often AT ALL. In fact, usually people complain about customers. But I'm like, no the customers are the reason you have a fucking job, please be grateful they are even deigning to stand in front of you with your sassy, know-it-all attitude and your thinly-veiled contempt for the very air they are breathing.
And I'm only exaggerating a little bit on the part of my coworkers.
But the point here is that, usually, when I'm upset, and angry and even if it's not my fault that I'm upset or angry, or if there is nothing in my power to change anything I've done, I put myself down. I tear into myself and I make myself feel like absolute shit.
And I didn't. I didn't do that. In fact, I built myself up, and I realized I'm not a shitty human being. And I have NEVER done this before. This is a breakthrough in that whole "love yourself and you can love others more" thing.
I recently confessed to a small group of people that I had managed to convince myself that very few people genuinely liked me. Every single time I tell people this, they give me a funny look. And intellectually I knew I was wrong. I knew it couldn't be true. Didn't mean I didn't believe it, though.
And yeah, okay, I'm not the best thing since sliced bread, but I'm not a social pariah. People do genuinely like me and want to hang out with me. And that is frankly fucking amazing.
I don't know you guys. It's been three days and I STILL think I'm bloody fantastic, it hasn't gone away or been over-powered by doubts and anxiety. I'm not sure what to do with all of this information here.
But I want you all to know that I appreciate that you've stuck with me through my very slow process of believing I'm not complete shit. If you're out there, reading this, and think something is wrong with you, or think that no one likes you, I want you to know that you can talk to me, and that I will tell you you are wrong, and that I like you. I think you're amazing, and wonderful, and I don't care if you don't believe me because I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.
Thanks for being here for me. I was almost going to say I didn't know what I would have done without you, but at the same time, I realize I probably would have kept updating anyway, because this shit is cathartic for me. Writing down all of my thoughts and feelings and anxieties and worries and troubles and then just putting them out there, for someone, anyone to stumble across one day, that's what keeps me writing. I've never kept up with any kind of journal or diary (or blog) like I've kept up with this, and it's mostly because I can't put anything as private. All of it goes out into the world. Every single word I write. And it's amazing.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
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