No, this isn't about menstrual cycles or hormones or dresses and make up or anything like that.
I am a stereotypical woman with my car. I don't drive well, I can't park, and I certainly don't know how my car actually works.
(Magic is still the winning option so far.)
And the kicker is that I have a used car with quite a good number of miles on it. And very little money to get what I needed done on it done.
I'm part of the lucky contingent of 1st-world people whose parents still help them out with things like healthcare and car maintenance. Mostly because they're friends with our mechanic, and not myself. (Not that he's not friendly, just that, well, he's a male authority figure and I'm terrified of authority figures as a general rule).
Anyway, so I have a light come on in my car today, and I'm behind on getting my oil changed, and my exhaust pipe needs to get replaced, and a lot of other things, so I'm like, a little freaked out, but at the same time, I'm kind of like, it came on, and went back off again. It can't be that serious. So I get to where I was headed, and luckily there's a Sears here with an automotive center and I'm like, cool, I probably just need oil, I'll get some there and refill it.
And then I look up what the light means on google and I start freaking the fuck out.
It's not a serious light unless it stays on while you drive, but it's not one of those lights you can just ignore, either, like the "Change oil soon" light or the "Washer Fluid" light. And so I'm like, mildly panicking because I cannot handle this right now, I have a lot of shit happening all at once and when I get busy, I get really stressed out because I cannot handle not having time to do things. I just can't. I'm absolute shit at not having any time for relaxation, or plans changing, or emergencies. I always plan for that kind of time, and this next week is not gong to allow for that at all.
So I'm a little stressed out, as you can imagine. And my study buddy comes in and she's like "no, it's just a warning, we'll get you some oil in your car and everything will be fine." and it helps a whole bunch, and then I go out and make sure I actually need oil, and it turns out I do and that's what the problem is, and I just need to relax because I'm not going to die, nothing's gone wrong yet, and I still have plenty of time to screw things up.
But I wish I wouldn't panic every time this kind of thing happens to me. I wish I had the ability to just be like, Okay, no here's how we handle this situation, get a move on, everything's going to be fine. Like the men I know in my life.
But in reality, I understand very few guys these days even know how cars work (magic? voodoo? praying to gods unknown? Transformers, robots in disguise?) and so I'm likely to be left even more confused and worried than reassured and confident that things will be fixed.
Ah well.
Until next time, dear readers
Me
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Look at you lucky people!
Two days in a row I post something. I'm on FIRE.
Haha, or waiting for that study buddy again. She's nice, but we're still new to each other, and it comes across loud and clear sometimes in the way we attempt to navigate social protocols, etc.
Well, she navigates them and I flounder uselessly at the surface until I remember how similar situations are handled in movies and television. They wouldn't be in the media if they weren't based on something in reality, right?
Ugh...
Okay, so I wanted to actually mention something that I probably touched on yesterday (about new crush SZ who I Facebook stalked today and so now he's going to be ZD for Zazzy Dude because I'm awesome). And I don't explain things very well, but I want to try.
What first drew me to him was a) he's super freakin' attractive. Face shape is symmetrical, he's got huge shoulders and arms, but he's not lacking in other areas, fitness wise. He's not tall, but he's not shorter than I am, so we're good on that front. b) he's smart. He's a business major, he wears glasses sometimes, but he usually wears contacts because apparently he's about as blind if not more blind than I am (why do I consistently find really attractive men who cannot see?), he does some nerdy things, but he likes sports too. He's tidier than other guys and willing to help with housework.
And here's the kicker. On Sunday, there was a big shindig for the group I hang out with (I've mentioned it a couple times, it's where I know him from, even though we really haven't hung out much, all I've told you is all I've learned about him while we were hanging out). Lots of people. More than half of which I did not know. And if you know anything about me, you know that I am really not very good at these types of events. Luckily I had a buddy, who I'm going to call MM for Marvelous Miss. (I'm gonna need to do an name update post if I keep meeting people!) We both are not large fans of lots of people in small spaces. Which is what happened at this party/cookout thing. So we kind of migrated to the emptier of the rooms as the night went on, alternately planning a drinking night for after exams and complaining that no one was leaving.
We're not very good at parties, but where was I going with this? Oh yes, so we'd step outside, we'd head upstairs to her room, we'd be in the kitchen for, like, ever, we even went to the basement and folded clothes because there was just no where else to go where you weren't shoved into awkward social situations with people you have very little in common with except a vague belief in a deity with varying levels of intensity of that belief.
But at one point, after about half of the extra people had left and there was a little more room to breathe, and the life-sized jenga had been put away, we wandered into the foyer to pass ZD his folded clothes, and then MM goes back into the kitchen and I'm watching them put away the jenga set and ZD turns to me and we've been exchanging smiles and extended looks for a couple weeks now, but he says "Where'd you go? You disappeared."
I played it off like the cool person I am (which involved hunched shoulders and a sheepish grin as I awkwardly made a joke about my innate camouflage ability I made up on the spot), but I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
That has never happened before at a party. NEVER. EVER. I've even TRIED. I'll step off without telling anyone I've left and come back and no one was the wiser.
I hadn't even really spoken to ZD all night and he NOTICED I WAS GONE.
And this isn't even mentioning the fact that last week he hadn't been at the group thing (not unusual, busy guy, what with the fraternity and business classes, etc.) (I also wasn't terribly upset about it because I ended up crying because I cannot handle the world right now, and it's been really stressful for the past little while because I want everyone to be happy and I can't actually do that, but the point is that I wouldn't have wanted him to have seen that, because I don't cry pretty) but he came back before I left (like, five to ten minutes before) and BioGuy (Do you even remember him? He's gonna be GJ For Good Job because that's all he can really do is a Good Job. not a great one, not an awesome one, just a good one. he's adorable and I've officially/unofficially declared him to be my younger brother so that he can be KW's honorary older brother and I have someone who will be able to help her out if I'm more than five to ten minutes away from campus) had just left to go sleep or eat or watch television or talk to his girlfriend or something, and so I was on my way out the door, and ZD and I are still in the kitchen and he kind of wanders over to the door as I'm walking out and I still feel kind of shitty but I've gotten past the stage where I can't hide it so I can hide it and I don't look terrible anymore (not good, but not bad either), and as I'm stepping through the door, he goes "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't here tonight" and I was just like, he didn't say that to anyone else, why is he telling me? What? and I, again, play it off like the cool person I am and I say "No problem, next time, right?" and it occurs to me later than he maybe wanted to hang out with me more.
This was supported by his actions at the shindig which, when more people had left and it was pretty much just the people who live in the house plus me and three other people, (so...six of us I guess is the number I'm looking for), he hung out in the kitchen and chatted with me and MM.
And I don't know enough about him to know if that's how he acts with every girl, or not, but he just...
He's moving out of that house, but I don't know if he's graduating or not, and if he is I don't know if I'll ever see him anymore, and I'm like -- you couldn't have shown an interest in me BEFORE now? REALLY?!?
I don't even know if he is showing an interest. I'm just--
UGh
Why are guys so complicated?
Study buddy is still not here yet, so I'm gonna write some more, but I'm going to change the subject because you all really probably don't care about my crushes.
It's 3:14. Time for pi. Too bad I really don't want to work with circles or math.
Okay, I give up, I've sat here for like 2 minutes after writing that last sentence and I haven't thought of anything else to say.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
Haha, or waiting for that study buddy again. She's nice, but we're still new to each other, and it comes across loud and clear sometimes in the way we attempt to navigate social protocols, etc.
Well, she navigates them and I flounder uselessly at the surface until I remember how similar situations are handled in movies and television. They wouldn't be in the media if they weren't based on something in reality, right?
Ugh...
Okay, so I wanted to actually mention something that I probably touched on yesterday (about new crush SZ who I Facebook stalked today and so now he's going to be ZD for Zazzy Dude because I'm awesome). And I don't explain things very well, but I want to try.
What first drew me to him was a) he's super freakin' attractive. Face shape is symmetrical, he's got huge shoulders and arms, but he's not lacking in other areas, fitness wise. He's not tall, but he's not shorter than I am, so we're good on that front. b) he's smart. He's a business major, he wears glasses sometimes, but he usually wears contacts because apparently he's about as blind if not more blind than I am (why do I consistently find really attractive men who cannot see?), he does some nerdy things, but he likes sports too. He's tidier than other guys and willing to help with housework.
And here's the kicker. On Sunday, there was a big shindig for the group I hang out with (I've mentioned it a couple times, it's where I know him from, even though we really haven't hung out much, all I've told you is all I've learned about him while we were hanging out). Lots of people. More than half of which I did not know. And if you know anything about me, you know that I am really not very good at these types of events. Luckily I had a buddy, who I'm going to call MM for Marvelous Miss. (I'm gonna need to do an name update post if I keep meeting people!) We both are not large fans of lots of people in small spaces. Which is what happened at this party/cookout thing. So we kind of migrated to the emptier of the rooms as the night went on, alternately planning a drinking night for after exams and complaining that no one was leaving.
We're not very good at parties, but where was I going with this? Oh yes, so we'd step outside, we'd head upstairs to her room, we'd be in the kitchen for, like, ever, we even went to the basement and folded clothes because there was just no where else to go where you weren't shoved into awkward social situations with people you have very little in common with except a vague belief in a deity with varying levels of intensity of that belief.
But at one point, after about half of the extra people had left and there was a little more room to breathe, and the life-sized jenga had been put away, we wandered into the foyer to pass ZD his folded clothes, and then MM goes back into the kitchen and I'm watching them put away the jenga set and ZD turns to me and we've been exchanging smiles and extended looks for a couple weeks now, but he says "Where'd you go? You disappeared."
I played it off like the cool person I am (which involved hunched shoulders and a sheepish grin as I awkwardly made a joke about my innate camouflage ability I made up on the spot), but I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
That has never happened before at a party. NEVER. EVER. I've even TRIED. I'll step off without telling anyone I've left and come back and no one was the wiser.
I hadn't even really spoken to ZD all night and he NOTICED I WAS GONE.
And this isn't even mentioning the fact that last week he hadn't been at the group thing (not unusual, busy guy, what with the fraternity and business classes, etc.) (I also wasn't terribly upset about it because I ended up crying because I cannot handle the world right now, and it's been really stressful for the past little while because I want everyone to be happy and I can't actually do that, but the point is that I wouldn't have wanted him to have seen that, because I don't cry pretty) but he came back before I left (like, five to ten minutes before) and BioGuy (Do you even remember him? He's gonna be GJ For Good Job because that's all he can really do is a Good Job. not a great one, not an awesome one, just a good one. he's adorable and I've officially/unofficially declared him to be my younger brother so that he can be KW's honorary older brother and I have someone who will be able to help her out if I'm more than five to ten minutes away from campus) had just left to go sleep or eat or watch television or talk to his girlfriend or something, and so I was on my way out the door, and ZD and I are still in the kitchen and he kind of wanders over to the door as I'm walking out and I still feel kind of shitty but I've gotten past the stage where I can't hide it so I can hide it and I don't look terrible anymore (not good, but not bad either), and as I'm stepping through the door, he goes "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't here tonight" and I was just like, he didn't say that to anyone else, why is he telling me? What? and I, again, play it off like the cool person I am and I say "No problem, next time, right?" and it occurs to me later than he maybe wanted to hang out with me more.
This was supported by his actions at the shindig which, when more people had left and it was pretty much just the people who live in the house plus me and three other people, (so...six of us I guess is the number I'm looking for), he hung out in the kitchen and chatted with me and MM.
And I don't know enough about him to know if that's how he acts with every girl, or not, but he just...
He's moving out of that house, but I don't know if he's graduating or not, and if he is I don't know if I'll ever see him anymore, and I'm like -- you couldn't have shown an interest in me BEFORE now? REALLY?!?
I don't even know if he is showing an interest. I'm just--
UGh
Why are guys so complicated?
Study buddy is still not here yet, so I'm gonna write some more, but I'm going to change the subject because you all really probably don't care about my crushes.
It's 3:14. Time for pi. Too bad I really don't want to work with circles or math.
Okay, I give up, I've sat here for like 2 minutes after writing that last sentence and I haven't thought of anything else to say.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
Monday, May 6, 2013
Monday, Rainy Monday
I'm waiting for my study buddy again. She's at work, and I found one of the only free computers in the hall. She'll be here shortly, but I'm lazy and don't want to get started on the work until she's here.
That's kind of been the theme of getting my work done this semester. I could, but I really don't want to unless I have to.
In other news, I have found a potential new crush -- We'll call him SZ because up until last night I wasn't entirely sure whether his first initial was S or Z. It's Z, in case you were wondering. (They aren't even moderately similar names, it's kind of hilarious).
And I kind of feel like that awkward, nerdy teenager again (except for the teenager bit, not entirely off the mark), because I'm like, he's cute, and he pays me a little bit of attention, and we have interesting conversations, and I'm just like...You should like me, I'm cute, and I think you're cute, and you don't think I'm repulsive, and isn't that the basis for almost every relationship when you start out? It makes me feel a little desperate, I'll be honest with you guys.
We'll see if I don't shoot this one down before it gets off the ground and go from there.
Also, I met one of my future roommates. He's a nice guy. I don't think I'm going to be upset about this decision. And he's ridiculously not either of my two types. So that's a good start. None of that "fancying your roommate" nonsense I really don't need any part of.
I had a dream last night about Benedict Cumberbatch. This doesn't usually happen, which is why you get to hear about it. We were either running a con or we were in disguise for some other reason, but regardless, I knew he wasn't French, and I'm very obviously not French, and so we were practicing some French phrases so he could sound more convincing. And we did, and I had no idea what he was saying, but I was responding with what little French I know, and I kept having to not say it in what little Spanish I know (It's hard because the little French and the little Spanish are all the same phrases). And we were awesome, and in a museum and then I got a Cumberhug. It was great.
(You're welcome to judge me for the use of Cumberhug. And any other phrases I use involving the word Cumberbatch in any way, shape, or form. Just don't let on that you're judging me for it, because that will just end up with me being really embarrassed and completely shunning you for the rest of the day)
And it was refreshing not to dream about children or babies or anything like that. That it happened to be a celebrity I crush on intermittently was an extra plus. I really don't do that.
Or if I do, it's the kind of dreams I don't get to remember. Which is most of them.
Study buddy will be a while. Which is fine.
What else to tell you guys about....
It's dawning on me that if I just put myself out there, I won't always get shot down and forgotten about. Surprisingly, people actually like me. Which I find to be completely strange and weird, but I'm definitely not against, mind, it's just...for whatever reason I find it unusual. I mean, I know the reason I find it unusual, but it doesn't make me feel it any less.
I just...it's difficult when you expect people to just not think about you, and to not notice you. Especially when for a very long time it wasn't exactly an unfounded expectation. And it allowed me to convince myself that very few people actually liked me. So I have made an effort to be as unassuming, unoffensive, and totally friendly as I possibly can when I interact with people, because maybe I could change that they don't like me. And I guess it's worked, but it's worked to such an extent that I can also let myself relax a little and become a little snarkier and a little bitchier (not a lot, I'm not a mean person) and just be myself around people and they like that even more, and I'm just sitting here like, would that really have been so easy if I'd just done it from the start?
And I'm starting to realize it would have been.
And that's kind of a big revelation for me. Apparently people just like me and it's WEIRD. And I'm just trying to wrap my head around it and it doesn't always work, but it's starting to, and I don't want to keep saying it, because I feel like I'll sound conceited, but mostly it's just so I'll start to believe that it's actually happening.
I don't know, you guys. I may have stepped into the twilight zone a bit. But if the twilight zone is like this, I really don't mind it and I'm gonna start looking for real estate if it keeps up.
Thanks for letting me ramble at you. I still can't quite believe more than just GL reads this, but it's true and I appreciate every single one of you. I really do.
Thanks.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me.
That's kind of been the theme of getting my work done this semester. I could, but I really don't want to unless I have to.
In other news, I have found a potential new crush -- We'll call him SZ because up until last night I wasn't entirely sure whether his first initial was S or Z. It's Z, in case you were wondering. (They aren't even moderately similar names, it's kind of hilarious).
And I kind of feel like that awkward, nerdy teenager again (except for the teenager bit, not entirely off the mark), because I'm like, he's cute, and he pays me a little bit of attention, and we have interesting conversations, and I'm just like...You should like me, I'm cute, and I think you're cute, and you don't think I'm repulsive, and isn't that the basis for almost every relationship when you start out? It makes me feel a little desperate, I'll be honest with you guys.
We'll see if I don't shoot this one down before it gets off the ground and go from there.
Also, I met one of my future roommates. He's a nice guy. I don't think I'm going to be upset about this decision. And he's ridiculously not either of my two types. So that's a good start. None of that "fancying your roommate" nonsense I really don't need any part of.
I had a dream last night about Benedict Cumberbatch. This doesn't usually happen, which is why you get to hear about it. We were either running a con or we were in disguise for some other reason, but regardless, I knew he wasn't French, and I'm very obviously not French, and so we were practicing some French phrases so he could sound more convincing. And we did, and I had no idea what he was saying, but I was responding with what little French I know, and I kept having to not say it in what little Spanish I know (It's hard because the little French and the little Spanish are all the same phrases). And we were awesome, and in a museum and then I got a Cumberhug. It was great.
(You're welcome to judge me for the use of Cumberhug. And any other phrases I use involving the word Cumberbatch in any way, shape, or form. Just don't let on that you're judging me for it, because that will just end up with me being really embarrassed and completely shunning you for the rest of the day)
And it was refreshing not to dream about children or babies or anything like that. That it happened to be a celebrity I crush on intermittently was an extra plus. I really don't do that.
Or if I do, it's the kind of dreams I don't get to remember. Which is most of them.
Study buddy will be a while. Which is fine.
What else to tell you guys about....
It's dawning on me that if I just put myself out there, I won't always get shot down and forgotten about. Surprisingly, people actually like me. Which I find to be completely strange and weird, but I'm definitely not against, mind, it's just...for whatever reason I find it unusual. I mean, I know the reason I find it unusual, but it doesn't make me feel it any less.
I just...it's difficult when you expect people to just not think about you, and to not notice you. Especially when for a very long time it wasn't exactly an unfounded expectation. And it allowed me to convince myself that very few people actually liked me. So I have made an effort to be as unassuming, unoffensive, and totally friendly as I possibly can when I interact with people, because maybe I could change that they don't like me. And I guess it's worked, but it's worked to such an extent that I can also let myself relax a little and become a little snarkier and a little bitchier (not a lot, I'm not a mean person) and just be myself around people and they like that even more, and I'm just sitting here like, would that really have been so easy if I'd just done it from the start?
And I'm starting to realize it would have been.
And that's kind of a big revelation for me. Apparently people just like me and it's WEIRD. And I'm just trying to wrap my head around it and it doesn't always work, but it's starting to, and I don't want to keep saying it, because I feel like I'll sound conceited, but mostly it's just so I'll start to believe that it's actually happening.
I don't know, you guys. I may have stepped into the twilight zone a bit. But if the twilight zone is like this, I really don't mind it and I'm gonna start looking for real estate if it keeps up.
Thanks for letting me ramble at you. I still can't quite believe more than just GL reads this, but it's true and I appreciate every single one of you. I really do.
Thanks.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Same day, different post
Okay, so actually I wasn't done...Well, I was, but with that particular stream of consciousness.
I'm bored, in other words, and need something to do that isn't reading a story that will inevitably make me cry because I am in public and that shit just don't fly with me.
I could write some more of one of my stories, but let's face it, I'm not going to.
I forgot to mention something in my earlier blog, and it's kind of a big deal.
My roommates' dog, Rufus, was put down today. He started having seizures at about 5:30 yesterday evening. None of us knew what was going on at first, but they took him to the vet at around 6 or so. Probably didn't get there until 6:30. He didn't respond to the treatment at the vet, so they took him to the Virginia Tech animal hospital. They left him there overnight at around 10:30.
At 7:30 this morning, they learned that he'd actually gotten worse, going into cardiac arrest with continued seizures whenever they let him breathe on his own. So they decided to put him down.
And yeah, he was an annoying dog who whined at all hours of the night and day, and whenever the fuck he wanted. But he was sweet, and otherwise a good dog. And it was obviously very scary for him. He was young too.
We're guessing he ate something toxic when he ran off yesterday. He was only gone for 15 minutes, but dogs eat things they're not supposed to much faster than that all of the time. We're not sure what it was, or why it wasn't able to leave his system. But obviously it did a lot of damage to his little body in the time he'd ingested it.
And that's how my day started.
I mean, it's not exactly been a terrible day, but it's never fun when you wake up to someone crying because their dog died.
So there's that.
And of course, I've still got those strange baby/child/taking care of people dreams going on, and I'd had one or three last night, which is why you got to hear about it today. (Hear, read, same thing)
And I just...I want to make things better for everyone, and I'm (for whatever reason) still having to learn that I cannot do this. It is not physically possible for me to make everything okay for everyone. I would explode before I was able to make that even moderately possible.
And it doesn't make it suck any less, realizing this.
Ugh, this is not a happy day. Not a bad day, mind, but not happy.
Sorry y'all
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
I'm bored, in other words, and need something to do that isn't reading a story that will inevitably make me cry because I am in public and that shit just don't fly with me.
I could write some more of one of my stories, but let's face it, I'm not going to.
I forgot to mention something in my earlier blog, and it's kind of a big deal.
My roommates' dog, Rufus, was put down today. He started having seizures at about 5:30 yesterday evening. None of us knew what was going on at first, but they took him to the vet at around 6 or so. Probably didn't get there until 6:30. He didn't respond to the treatment at the vet, so they took him to the Virginia Tech animal hospital. They left him there overnight at around 10:30.
At 7:30 this morning, they learned that he'd actually gotten worse, going into cardiac arrest with continued seizures whenever they let him breathe on his own. So they decided to put him down.
And yeah, he was an annoying dog who whined at all hours of the night and day, and whenever the fuck he wanted. But he was sweet, and otherwise a good dog. And it was obviously very scary for him. He was young too.
We're guessing he ate something toxic when he ran off yesterday. He was only gone for 15 minutes, but dogs eat things they're not supposed to much faster than that all of the time. We're not sure what it was, or why it wasn't able to leave his system. But obviously it did a lot of damage to his little body in the time he'd ingested it.
And that's how my day started.
I mean, it's not exactly been a terrible day, but it's never fun when you wake up to someone crying because their dog died.
So there's that.
And of course, I've still got those strange baby/child/taking care of people dreams going on, and I'd had one or three last night, which is why you got to hear about it today. (Hear, read, same thing)
And I just...I want to make things better for everyone, and I'm (for whatever reason) still having to learn that I cannot do this. It is not physically possible for me to make everything okay for everyone. I would explode before I was able to make that even moderately possible.
And it doesn't make it suck any less, realizing this.
Ugh, this is not a happy day. Not a bad day, mind, but not happy.
Sorry y'all
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
So it's Wednesday.
I've got a place to live (I think I already mentioned this last time). The people who are to be my landlords (aristocracy? landaristocracy? am I a serf? or just a squatter who pays? I've confused myself) are wonderful and it helps I already know them. I'm meeting with them tomorrow to see the place and meet the fellows who are going to be my roommates (okay, that second half might only be a possibility. at the very least I'll be seeing the place. I trust R and S though, and I know they take great pride in the house).
I've been having really weird dreams about kids recently. Weird in that kids feature and that I'm taking care of them. I've been serving a very motherly, comforting role in my dreams recently is what I'm trying to get at here. And it's strange because that doesn't normally happen. Like, I rarely dream about babies, or people who need me to hug and comfort them, and when I do, normally I'm not actually helpful and the baby/toddler/other person isn't actually comforted and sometimes gets worse.
It's also strange because I'm really not in a place to have kids, or be taking care of kids. I don't even have any prospects yet for a potential boyfriend because I don't really want one right now and I have a very negative view towards men who are interested in me or whom I am interested in. And I'm also pretty damn sure I'm under some sort of definition of asexual, because while I have a sex-drive (sorry if that's TMI, but you're still reading, so I don't actually care), I've never been aroused by a person before. I mean, I've said things that I think people have interpreted me to have been sexually aroused, or stimulated by certain human beings, but I've never...
I've only ever felt that way when I read naughty fan fiction, and sometimes even then, only when there are very detailed descriptions of the way they feel. Sex to me is very emotional, I don't think I could actually perform if I were with someone I didn't trust implicitly.
So maybe it's not that I'm wanting kids with a particular person (though if I got to choose anyone in the entire world, I'd pick Benedict Cumberbatch because he would love the everliving FUCK out of those children, seriously the man needs all the children because he wants them so bad), but that my biological clock has kicked in and because I'm 21 and this is what happens in my family (documented evidence, check my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY) I want kids because, boom, hormones.
Isn't there a way to get rid of all of my hormones? Like, they just cause so much trouble, what with that "womanly time" and then sex, and wanting kids, and then, oh hey, so you're done with being in your sexual prime, now you get to have fucking menopause. Like who even thought this shit up? It's too much trouble.
I don't know. If you're new here and this is the first post you see from me, I'm almost sorry, but this is what I do. I complain about my biological functions and my emotions because this is my diary and you get to have an all access pass because why the fuck not.
I'd say it's a sign, but I really don't want it to be. No thank you, subconscious/dreams. I'm not ready. Keep your wants to yourself, thanks.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
I've been having really weird dreams about kids recently. Weird in that kids feature and that I'm taking care of them. I've been serving a very motherly, comforting role in my dreams recently is what I'm trying to get at here. And it's strange because that doesn't normally happen. Like, I rarely dream about babies, or people who need me to hug and comfort them, and when I do, normally I'm not actually helpful and the baby/toddler/other person isn't actually comforted and sometimes gets worse.
It's also strange because I'm really not in a place to have kids, or be taking care of kids. I don't even have any prospects yet for a potential boyfriend because I don't really want one right now and I have a very negative view towards men who are interested in me or whom I am interested in. And I'm also pretty damn sure I'm under some sort of definition of asexual, because while I have a sex-drive (sorry if that's TMI, but you're still reading, so I don't actually care), I've never been aroused by a person before. I mean, I've said things that I think people have interpreted me to have been sexually aroused, or stimulated by certain human beings, but I've never...
I've only ever felt that way when I read naughty fan fiction, and sometimes even then, only when there are very detailed descriptions of the way they feel. Sex to me is very emotional, I don't think I could actually perform if I were with someone I didn't trust implicitly.
So maybe it's not that I'm wanting kids with a particular person (though if I got to choose anyone in the entire world, I'd pick Benedict Cumberbatch because he would love the everliving FUCK out of those children, seriously the man needs all the children because he wants them so bad), but that my biological clock has kicked in and because I'm 21 and this is what happens in my family (documented evidence, check my ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY) I want kids because, boom, hormones.
Isn't there a way to get rid of all of my hormones? Like, they just cause so much trouble, what with that "womanly time" and then sex, and wanting kids, and then, oh hey, so you're done with being in your sexual prime, now you get to have fucking menopause. Like who even thought this shit up? It's too much trouble.
I don't know. If you're new here and this is the first post you see from me, I'm almost sorry, but this is what I do. I complain about my biological functions and my emotions because this is my diary and you get to have an all access pass because why the fuck not.
I'd say it's a sign, but I really don't want it to be. No thank you, subconscious/dreams. I'm not ready. Keep your wants to yourself, thanks.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Life Decisions and Bad Days
I'm having them.
I've finally got a place to stay for the next however long they'll keep me. I'm excited. Actually, I am, despite my lack of emphatic punctuation. I'm not...Not in the mood to express my excitement.
I'm self medicating for the mood with ice cream (Half-Baked from Ben and Jerry's and actually it's FroYo because I make good decisions when I'm not paying attention) and Sprite splashed with vodka. Considering last night, that last bit might be a bad decision but I'm beyond caring right now.
Also Coupling is the background theme of the night. I'm planning on attempting to do my nails tonight too. I'll possibly blog a bit more tonight too.
I don't know...I'm just...I'm in this position in my life where I either need to quit this breakfast job or I need to be admitted into an insane asylum because it's driving me up the wall.
Since I know my parents don't read this, I'm going to confess that I didn't go into work this morning like I was supposed to. I called in sick because I woke up at 4:30 and was still too drunk to drive. So yeah, didn't go to work. And frankly, it probably would have made everything worse.
Because last night was bad. It just...it ended badly. I started chronicling it just now, but I've decided you all don't need to know the gory details.
And so I drank last night, and I honestly thought I wouldn't be drunk by the time I needed to be awake, but I was wrong. And so I called in sick.
But I end up not wanting to go to work almost all the time these days.
And frankly, I'm getting all of these signals (read: everyone is telling me outright) that I need to quit this damn morning job. I love the bar, I would prefer it if we served more than beer and wine, but I do love it. And the evening people are far nicer than the morning people. And frankly, I prefer inebriated people. Not completely trashed, somewhere between intoxicated and drunk is the best. Breakfast, however, has never been one of my favorite meals, ever. And people before noon are not happy as a general rule.
And recently things have just been going downhill. And I need to just make time to meet the GM and talk to him about just working bar or leaving because I cannot do breakfast anymore. And everyone has been telling me this stuff for ages.
Sorry, watching TV and blogging do not mix actually. I'm kind of ADD right now.
Anyway...I'm going to work on my nails...
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
I've finally got a place to stay for the next however long they'll keep me. I'm excited. Actually, I am, despite my lack of emphatic punctuation. I'm not...Not in the mood to express my excitement.
I'm self medicating for the mood with ice cream (Half-Baked from Ben and Jerry's and actually it's FroYo because I make good decisions when I'm not paying attention) and Sprite splashed with vodka. Considering last night, that last bit might be a bad decision but I'm beyond caring right now.
Also Coupling is the background theme of the night. I'm planning on attempting to do my nails tonight too. I'll possibly blog a bit more tonight too.
I don't know...I'm just...I'm in this position in my life where I either need to quit this breakfast job or I need to be admitted into an insane asylum because it's driving me up the wall.
Since I know my parents don't read this, I'm going to confess that I didn't go into work this morning like I was supposed to. I called in sick because I woke up at 4:30 and was still too drunk to drive. So yeah, didn't go to work. And frankly, it probably would have made everything worse.
Because last night was bad. It just...it ended badly. I started chronicling it just now, but I've decided you all don't need to know the gory details.
And so I drank last night, and I honestly thought I wouldn't be drunk by the time I needed to be awake, but I was wrong. And so I called in sick.
But I end up not wanting to go to work almost all the time these days.
And frankly, I'm getting all of these signals (read: everyone is telling me outright) that I need to quit this damn morning job. I love the bar, I would prefer it if we served more than beer and wine, but I do love it. And the evening people are far nicer than the morning people. And frankly, I prefer inebriated people. Not completely trashed, somewhere between intoxicated and drunk is the best. Breakfast, however, has never been one of my favorite meals, ever. And people before noon are not happy as a general rule.
And recently things have just been going downhill. And I need to just make time to meet the GM and talk to him about just working bar or leaving because I cannot do breakfast anymore. And everyone has been telling me this stuff for ages.
Sorry, watching TV and blogging do not mix actually. I'm kind of ADD right now.
Anyway...I'm going to work on my nails...
Until Next Time, Dear Readers
Me
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Dumdeedeedumdumdaah
I'm waiting for my study buddy to show up and procrastinating on actually starting the studying process without her, also not writing the story I'm currently working on.
I was, but then I decided I actually wanted to write a blog post.
Not sure what I wanted to say though. I'm mostly just fishing for distractions at this point.
I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday. Which is good. I mean, I still don't have a for sure place to live next year, and I'm kind of annoyed with where I work (not as bad as usual, just a vague annoyance mostly to do with the training thing again. I won't go into it because it's fine, and it's no longer an issue, but I swear, if they'd just tell me all of the information at first, I'd do it. I promise I would). But my general outlook today is fairly positive. I certainly won't be holding my breath for anything, but I figure it will all work out in the end regardless of what the outcome actually is. Que Sera Sera, etc.
I wanted to expand on a partial theme of yesterday, about my hypochondria and asexuality. And also on the topic of asexuality.
I am a huge hypochondriac. I'm just aware that I am. Which may end up being a problem if there is actually something wrong with me. But it's also why I've self-diagnosed a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional issues. Because I'm not entirely sure I haven't just exaggerated what I really feel, or because I know the symptoms of several of them I haven't made a false diagnosis. And I'm certainly not paying money for someone to tell me I'm wrong. I do that any time I make a bet. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's nothing actually wrong with me, but sometimes it's nice to have a word for what I'm feeling, no matter the inaccuracy of that word. Does that make any sense? I also sometimes will cause myself to have symptoms of things, because I know what they are. My brain works in over drive and, well, long story short (too late) I can actually have a symptom of something, post learning about it, or the way I think about the way I do things or react to things will be looked at in the light of the new information. Which makes me question whether or not I really felt it before, or if I've made it all up.
Anyway, so onto the topic of asexuality, because it is actually related. I read a LOT of Sherlock fan fiction, and in the course of doing so you learn that a lot of people are of the opinion that Sherlock Holmes (in the Arthur Conan Doyle canon, especially) is in fact asexual and that he and Watson have a romantic relationship, but not a physical one. A bromance, if you will, but to the extreme.
In the course of learning this, on a whim Friday, I decided to browse the asexuality tag of Tumblr, in case I found a random Sherlock fic. I knew, of course, that people do identify sexually as asexual (that's a sentence I'm sure you don't hear very often). I mean, it makes sense. And in the course of my browsing, I learned that asexuality is not as clear-cut as it sounds. It's the same as bisexual. Or homosexual, or heterosexual, or biromantic, bi curious, pansexual. What I'm getting at is that there are a lot of ways for a person to like other people. And asexual is just a broad term for something that a lot of people feel very similarly, but not necessarily the same.
Based on my very limited research (because I haven't yet gotten around to exploring AVEN, which I need to do because it came up A LOT in my perusing) I noticed that people were very passionate about their lack of sexual passion. Because a surprising number of people claim that it's not a real sexual orientation.
But some people just don't feel sexually attracted to other people. They can find them physically attractive, they can find them emotionally or mentally attractive. Some people can become sexually aroused but not by other people, some of them even masturbate for other purposes than sexual arousal.
And that's just the short list. There are other terms used in asexuality (not in it, per se, just...I can't...my vocabulary is not at the point I would like it to be to properly explain this, and I fully support you going out and doing your own research on the subject, as long as you don't spread hate or misinformation, because, guys, that's just not fucking cool, okay?) such as graysexual and demisexual and semisexual and there is a lot of cross over but the general thing is that it's not the same for every person, but at the same time, there are enough similarities that we can have these overarching terms, and that we can also be fairly certain that they are not straight, or gay, or bisexual in the sense that they are sexually attracted to another member of the human race based on gender or, well, sex. Not to say that there aren't hetero-leaning asexuals, or bi-leaning graysexuals, or anything like that. Because, again, it is not as clear cut as we would really prefer. And most asexuals are not loners and they do actually want human contact, and they are interested in having meaningful relationships with other people. Just not necessarily with a sexual aspect to it.
And I'll tell you what, I feel like I have enough similarities with these broad specifics (oxymoron, I know, I know. But...that's what it is. These are the broad topics in a very specific category) that I feel like I could be on the asexual spectrum. Because I have not felt sexually attracted to people. I've found them attractive, certainly. But while I've expressed interest in seeing what sex is like, it's mostly in an experimental fashion, and I don't have enough interest in it that I would be willing to just go out and willy nilly hook up with someone. Or do those sorts of activities with someone I didn't have an emotional attachment or relationship with. And even still, it would be to see if I even enjoy it. Because, frankly, I don't see the appeal.
Someone put it very well on Tumblr, relating it to cake. (please click the link. The font is small, and the site is busy looking, but it just states this feeling so well and accurately)
I just...That's what I feel like. And I wonder if I would have a better idea as to my sexuality if I'd had sex before. But I just don't want to. It doesn't appeal.
I don't know...More research needs to be done, but who knows when I'll get around to it.
Thanks for listening to me ramble, guys. I appreciate it.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
I was, but then I decided I actually wanted to write a blog post.
Not sure what I wanted to say though. I'm mostly just fishing for distractions at this point.
I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday. Which is good. I mean, I still don't have a for sure place to live next year, and I'm kind of annoyed with where I work (not as bad as usual, just a vague annoyance mostly to do with the training thing again. I won't go into it because it's fine, and it's no longer an issue, but I swear, if they'd just tell me all of the information at first, I'd do it. I promise I would). But my general outlook today is fairly positive. I certainly won't be holding my breath for anything, but I figure it will all work out in the end regardless of what the outcome actually is. Que Sera Sera, etc.
I wanted to expand on a partial theme of yesterday, about my hypochondria and asexuality. And also on the topic of asexuality.
I am a huge hypochondriac. I'm just aware that I am. Which may end up being a problem if there is actually something wrong with me. But it's also why I've self-diagnosed a lot of my mental, physical, and emotional issues. Because I'm not entirely sure I haven't just exaggerated what I really feel, or because I know the symptoms of several of them I haven't made a false diagnosis. And I'm certainly not paying money for someone to tell me I'm wrong. I do that any time I make a bet. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's nothing actually wrong with me, but sometimes it's nice to have a word for what I'm feeling, no matter the inaccuracy of that word. Does that make any sense? I also sometimes will cause myself to have symptoms of things, because I know what they are. My brain works in over drive and, well, long story short (too late) I can actually have a symptom of something, post learning about it, or the way I think about the way I do things or react to things will be looked at in the light of the new information. Which makes me question whether or not I really felt it before, or if I've made it all up.
Anyway, so onto the topic of asexuality, because it is actually related. I read a LOT of Sherlock fan fiction, and in the course of doing so you learn that a lot of people are of the opinion that Sherlock Holmes (in the Arthur Conan Doyle canon, especially) is in fact asexual and that he and Watson have a romantic relationship, but not a physical one. A bromance, if you will, but to the extreme.
In the course of learning this, on a whim Friday, I decided to browse the asexuality tag of Tumblr, in case I found a random Sherlock fic. I knew, of course, that people do identify sexually as asexual (that's a sentence I'm sure you don't hear very often). I mean, it makes sense. And in the course of my browsing, I learned that asexuality is not as clear-cut as it sounds. It's the same as bisexual. Or homosexual, or heterosexual, or biromantic, bi curious, pansexual. What I'm getting at is that there are a lot of ways for a person to like other people. And asexual is just a broad term for something that a lot of people feel very similarly, but not necessarily the same.
Based on my very limited research (because I haven't yet gotten around to exploring AVEN, which I need to do because it came up A LOT in my perusing) I noticed that people were very passionate about their lack of sexual passion. Because a surprising number of people claim that it's not a real sexual orientation.
But some people just don't feel sexually attracted to other people. They can find them physically attractive, they can find them emotionally or mentally attractive. Some people can become sexually aroused but not by other people, some of them even masturbate for other purposes than sexual arousal.
And that's just the short list. There are other terms used in asexuality (not in it, per se, just...I can't...my vocabulary is not at the point I would like it to be to properly explain this, and I fully support you going out and doing your own research on the subject, as long as you don't spread hate or misinformation, because, guys, that's just not fucking cool, okay?) such as graysexual and demisexual and semisexual and there is a lot of cross over but the general thing is that it's not the same for every person, but at the same time, there are enough similarities that we can have these overarching terms, and that we can also be fairly certain that they are not straight, or gay, or bisexual in the sense that they are sexually attracted to another member of the human race based on gender or, well, sex. Not to say that there aren't hetero-leaning asexuals, or bi-leaning graysexuals, or anything like that. Because, again, it is not as clear cut as we would really prefer. And most asexuals are not loners and they do actually want human contact, and they are interested in having meaningful relationships with other people. Just not necessarily with a sexual aspect to it.
And I'll tell you what, I feel like I have enough similarities with these broad specifics (oxymoron, I know, I know. But...that's what it is. These are the broad topics in a very specific category) that I feel like I could be on the asexual spectrum. Because I have not felt sexually attracted to people. I've found them attractive, certainly. But while I've expressed interest in seeing what sex is like, it's mostly in an experimental fashion, and I don't have enough interest in it that I would be willing to just go out and willy nilly hook up with someone. Or do those sorts of activities with someone I didn't have an emotional attachment or relationship with. And even still, it would be to see if I even enjoy it. Because, frankly, I don't see the appeal.
Someone put it very well on Tumblr, relating it to cake. (please click the link. The font is small, and the site is busy looking, but it just states this feeling so well and accurately)
I just...That's what I feel like. And I wonder if I would have a better idea as to my sexuality if I'd had sex before. But I just don't want to. It doesn't appeal.
I don't know...More research needs to be done, but who knows when I'll get around to it.
Thanks for listening to me ramble, guys. I appreciate it.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
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