Good evening, Blogger!
It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you are all warm and cozy wrapped up in blankets and sweaters and socks and warm things. It is VERY COLD OUTSIDE IF YOU HAVE NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION. YOU SHOULD BE INSIDE WHERE IT IS WARM.
Anyway, I'm actually here to talk about said weather. I know, I know, breaking the silence for small talk, very unlike me.
Well, actually it's a lot like me. Whatever, moving on.
I'm the girl who believes in such odd thinks as everything happening for a reason, fate, the course of the world being essentially outlined for us to meander towards plot points that have to happen for the book to end successfully, that kind of deal.
So I am left to wonder, sometimes, what the HELL fate is preparing for me.
I've got a pretty good life. Cozy job, good friends, food in my fridge and the ability to go out to eat when the food in my fridge isn't as appealing as it was in the grocery store, etc. So I feel weird complaining about small inconveniences, such as a FREEZING COLD HOUSE HOLY SHIT.
Now, let me recap for you, since I'm not sure I've actually been over this on here. The house I am currently living in is about 200 years old. There is electric heating in at least 2 of the rooms, furnace heating in about 1 of them. There is no centralized air anywhere in this house. Also there aren't very good seals between the doors and door frames.
(they're bad seals, they totally don't want sardines in trade for balancing balls on their noses and instead maim their trainers. this pun got away from me, sorry)
This means that any time the temperature drops below a balmy 60 degrees F, it's like delving into the arctic tundra to get from a heated room to one of the unheated rooms for a necessary task, and then back. It's cold.
Thanks to this Polar Vortex that's drifted down (Thanks Santa, but if you're going to make it as cold as I wanted for Christmas, could you add some fucking snow in for down where I am? Screw the other states, I want some SNOW) it dropped to -1 and got up to a nice and toasty 10 today.
Have I mentioned that this house is 200 years old and has about the same insulation as it did back then?
It's COLD.
I've got the heat up MUCH higher than I usually have it (because it's usually not a problem, usually I can have it on its lowest setting and be quite comfortable if not almost too warm), I'm wearing two layers on almost all of my extremities (except my hands because operating a laptop is completely impossible with gloves on), I've got two comforters and one in waiting for when I actually decide to go to sleep. My hands finally don't feel like icicles. I think my heater is starting to work.
And the house only has one, unheated bathroom, all the way downstairs on the complete other side of the house from where my bedroom is. So I have to extricate myself from the cocoon of warmth and happiness, slip on my boot-slippers, grab my robe and hope my fingers don't break off and fall into the toilet.
And every time I do this, I think to myself, what the HELL has life got in store for me later on that requires that I have the skills i am honing now? Are we going to have another ice age, a nuclear winter that will be cold and I will have to pee outside in the snow and cold because someone couldn't keep their finger off a button? Am I going to be lost in the wild and need to survive the harsh Canadian winter, foraging for berries, and wearing whatever cloth I have in my backpack or find in the woods, adopted by a pack of wolves and marauding around the mountains, freezing important parts off and eating them later because we can't find any food?
That got away from me. Point is, there's gotta be a reason, and I hope it's not anything crazy or serious or bad.
Or maybe it's just a 21 year thing. Apparently when my parents first moved down here we got the snowstorm of the century and were without power for quite some time. At least I have power this go 'round.
Until Next Time Dear Readers,
Stay warm, stay safe,
me
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, November 18, 2013
Another Tale of My Romantic Exploits, You're Welcome
You can tell I'm pretty content with life because I rarely post anymore. I'm very prolific if I have a lot of shit to work through. I guess that's a good thing, right?
It doesn't help I acquired a Tumblr account, so that's kind of my main blogging site now. No, you're not getting the URL unless you already have it.
I'm supposed to be doing work, but it's slow going, and I'm unmotivated to do what is on my list. I was being very productive earlier, and then we got like 10 million calls and it threw off my groove.
I've been busy, doing things, not doing things, getting things done. The usual. Work's going really well, I'm just not...very good at self-motivation, and the things I do are kind of tedious. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not very helpful for wanting to get work done.
I've learned something about myself recently, by the way. A number of things, actually. Like, I'm not allowed to drink by myself because it makes me feel ill, and also I don't like gin as much as I thought I did. Well, let me rephrase that, I only like gin in certain drinks and if it's not in those drinks it's terrible. I also am not in any kind of need of a romantic relationship at this point in my life.
That was a jump wasn't it? Take your time and let the change of subject sink in if you need to.
Over the summer I moved to a new place with new roommates, and all is well with them. We're down to just three of us now, two guys and me. They're both very friendly, very nice guys. I feel comfortable sharing a house with them.
Apparently I felt comfortable enough to try exploring romantic entanglements with one of them. It was short-lived, as most of my explorations into this particular aspect of life are. We hung out more and kissed a bit for a few days. Nothing crazy. Had dinner once.
And as we sat at a table in a hookah bar two towns over, and he freaked out over telling our mutual roommate and his best friend that we're trying out dating one another, it occurred to me that if he's not willing to tell someone who would be directly affected if anything happened between us because he happens to live in the same house as us, then what else would he be unwilling to say something about if it came up? Would I be left in the dark about important things a lot? Was this usual for him? After saying something about it to our roommate when the other one was gone to get food or something, idk, it didn't seem like that was common. But what if I was something to be kept secret?
I'm not exactly fond of that idea, as it turns out.
So I took a couple of days for myself, thinking the matter over, coming to my own conclusions -- while at the same time attempting to stay away from over-thinking it. And I actually did a really good job. I kept it rational and level-headed. I looked at the situation from both my perspective and from an outside perspective, and I tried to keep his side out of the way, because I don't know how he would react; I haven't really known him that long. And in the end, I have to make a decision that's going to be best for me. And I think I've finally done it. It helped that he took it really well when I talked it over with him, and he wasn't upset or anything. That was very rewarding.
And it occurred to me, after it was done and over with, that there was this giant weight lifted off of me from it. All I had to do was come to the conclusion that a romantic entanglement is not something I need nor desire in my life right now. And you know what, freedom is kind of nice. The freedom to stare longingly at an attractive man from across a crowded room and then look away quickly if he in any way turns towards my general direction, the freedom to contemplate what a relationship with a celebrity would be like, the freedom to explore the world around me without a romantic haze on everything.
Do you know how hard it is to look at things with a romantic haze on? It's like when your glasses fog up after opening the oven to get a batch of cookies out. You need to reach into the dark scary hot thing for the delicious prize, but you can't see anything because your glasses were too cold and now are all opaque, and you giggle because it's funny and it always happens but you still want the cookies, you just can't see them and...
Where was I going with that? Oh who cares.
The point is, I'm not ready. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know what I want, and I want to take some time and explore that. The problem is that I automatically assume exclusive, even when it's super early. And I need to step away from that, realize that I have some wiggle room in today's society. And that I can be whatever I am as long as I figure out what that is first.
Thanks for going on this journey with me today. Hopefully I won't be ages and ages before your next update, but I make no promises.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
It doesn't help I acquired a Tumblr account, so that's kind of my main blogging site now. No, you're not getting the URL unless you already have it.
I'm supposed to be doing work, but it's slow going, and I'm unmotivated to do what is on my list. I was being very productive earlier, and then we got like 10 million calls and it threw off my groove.
I've been busy, doing things, not doing things, getting things done. The usual. Work's going really well, I'm just not...very good at self-motivation, and the things I do are kind of tedious. Not that it's a bad thing, it's just not very helpful for wanting to get work done.
I've learned something about myself recently, by the way. A number of things, actually. Like, I'm not allowed to drink by myself because it makes me feel ill, and also I don't like gin as much as I thought I did. Well, let me rephrase that, I only like gin in certain drinks and if it's not in those drinks it's terrible. I also am not in any kind of need of a romantic relationship at this point in my life.
That was a jump wasn't it? Take your time and let the change of subject sink in if you need to.
Over the summer I moved to a new place with new roommates, and all is well with them. We're down to just three of us now, two guys and me. They're both very friendly, very nice guys. I feel comfortable sharing a house with them.
Apparently I felt comfortable enough to try exploring romantic entanglements with one of them. It was short-lived, as most of my explorations into this particular aspect of life are. We hung out more and kissed a bit for a few days. Nothing crazy. Had dinner once.
And as we sat at a table in a hookah bar two towns over, and he freaked out over telling our mutual roommate and his best friend that we're trying out dating one another, it occurred to me that if he's not willing to tell someone who would be directly affected if anything happened between us because he happens to live in the same house as us, then what else would he be unwilling to say something about if it came up? Would I be left in the dark about important things a lot? Was this usual for him? After saying something about it to our roommate when the other one was gone to get food or something, idk, it didn't seem like that was common. But what if I was something to be kept secret?
I'm not exactly fond of that idea, as it turns out.
So I took a couple of days for myself, thinking the matter over, coming to my own conclusions -- while at the same time attempting to stay away from over-thinking it. And I actually did a really good job. I kept it rational and level-headed. I looked at the situation from both my perspective and from an outside perspective, and I tried to keep his side out of the way, because I don't know how he would react; I haven't really known him that long. And in the end, I have to make a decision that's going to be best for me. And I think I've finally done it. It helped that he took it really well when I talked it over with him, and he wasn't upset or anything. That was very rewarding.
And it occurred to me, after it was done and over with, that there was this giant weight lifted off of me from it. All I had to do was come to the conclusion that a romantic entanglement is not something I need nor desire in my life right now. And you know what, freedom is kind of nice. The freedom to stare longingly at an attractive man from across a crowded room and then look away quickly if he in any way turns towards my general direction, the freedom to contemplate what a relationship with a celebrity would be like, the freedom to explore the world around me without a romantic haze on everything.
Do you know how hard it is to look at things with a romantic haze on? It's like when your glasses fog up after opening the oven to get a batch of cookies out. You need to reach into the dark scary hot thing for the delicious prize, but you can't see anything because your glasses were too cold and now are all opaque, and you giggle because it's funny and it always happens but you still want the cookies, you just can't see them and...
Where was I going with that? Oh who cares.
The point is, I'm not ready. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know what I want, and I want to take some time and explore that. The problem is that I automatically assume exclusive, even when it's super early. And I need to step away from that, realize that I have some wiggle room in today's society. And that I can be whatever I am as long as I figure out what that is first.
Thanks for going on this journey with me today. Hopefully I won't be ages and ages before your next update, but I make no promises.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Update on my life
Well look at me go, typing out a blog post.
I would apologize for not updating here more, but then it occurs to me that this is my blog and I don't have to care what other people think about it. It's a nice realization to come to.
Been on a weird roller coaster recently, as far as emotional states go. Frankly, it's kind of obnoxious because this is unscheduled emotional roller coaster time, and therefore I have not been prepared. Luckily, it seems to be evening out.
So, I want to tell you all about this guy I met recently.
It was about two weeks ago or so that I went to a party with my roommates. They're really awesome guys, my roommates. They let me tag along with them to places they go on weekends, and I think that's really swell. If I went more places I would invite them along with me. But alas, tis not so.
Anyway, so I went to this party and everyone, they were kind of-- no wait, that's a Kate Nash song. "We Get On" I believe. Moving on, I didn't know anyone but my two roommates, but that was cool because I was for whatever reason just really chill that night, being all relaxed like a normal person around new people I didn't know. It helped that we were the first people to arrive and I got to already be part of the action before the action really started. That's very reassuring for me. I haven't missed anything and I'm not jumping in the middle of something I wasn't already a part of. And everyone was really nice, including me into conversations and I was able to be my snarky little self what with my side commentary mostly under my breath about things I think are silly in the conversation, and people liked it!
It was a nice change from what I've accustomed myself to, when I'm in public. I don't know why I let myself hang around with people who didn't appreciate my presence for so long, and it's been a journey to letting myself open up faster with people, but it's going well I think.
So I was having a good time, I was a little tipsy, and there was this really funny guy, who also happened to be really cute, and we totally got along. Now, I have come to the understanding with myself that I don't really have "sexual attraction" to people, and I've also come to realize that I just really don't like kissing people. It's gotten to the point where I can't even watch kisses on tv and in movies. It makes me cringe and I get all these weird sense-memories of kisses I've had and it makes my skin crawl a bit. I don't like it, and it's absolutely and completely fine that I don't like it, because it's no one's business but my own. However, other people don't always understand this, and so sometimes I have to explain it to them -- especially if we're both drunkies and they want to kiss me (which hasn't happened very often, so it was a new situation that I feel like I handled very well).
Anyway, he was funny and friendly, and we ended up leaning on one another for balance -- well, I was leaning on him, he didn't seem to mind though, so I'm not going to freak out about it.
We met up the next night to watch a movie in my living room -- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, if you must know. And he didn't try any funny business! It's a fucking miracle! At the party we'd discussed that I was not interested in ANY sex WHATSOEVER, and he was just like, "that's totally cool, we can hang out as friends and if anything happens, romantically, it happens. If it doesn't, then we're friends and all is well." Which is something I feel is very difficult to get from guys.
We haven't talked much since, but I've been busy and only bothered trying to text him first once, and he mentioned something about being swamped at work, so I get it. I don't feel pressured to try and keep his interest, if he wants to hang out, he can let me know. I don't really do anything anyway, and if I'm busy, I've gotten much better at saying no to things I can't actually do, or don't want to do. It's progress!
And then of course, the creeping crud that's been going around my family caught up to me, and I wasn't feeling very good last week, which was not at all helped by my sudden drop into self-pity and moroseness, but I'm apparently feeling better now. I'm definitely in need of a grand adventure, but I don't think any wizard or madman in a blue box is going to come take me on one, so I might just have to get out there and do adventuring on my own. It can't be too difficult, right?
Until Next Time, Dear Readers!
Me
I would apologize for not updating here more, but then it occurs to me that this is my blog and I don't have to care what other people think about it. It's a nice realization to come to.
Been on a weird roller coaster recently, as far as emotional states go. Frankly, it's kind of obnoxious because this is unscheduled emotional roller coaster time, and therefore I have not been prepared. Luckily, it seems to be evening out.
So, I want to tell you all about this guy I met recently.
It was about two weeks ago or so that I went to a party with my roommates. They're really awesome guys, my roommates. They let me tag along with them to places they go on weekends, and I think that's really swell. If I went more places I would invite them along with me. But alas, tis not so.
Anyway, so I went to this party and everyone, they were kind of-- no wait, that's a Kate Nash song. "We Get On" I believe. Moving on, I didn't know anyone but my two roommates, but that was cool because I was for whatever reason just really chill that night, being all relaxed like a normal person around new people I didn't know. It helped that we were the first people to arrive and I got to already be part of the action before the action really started. That's very reassuring for me. I haven't missed anything and I'm not jumping in the middle of something I wasn't already a part of. And everyone was really nice, including me into conversations and I was able to be my snarky little self what with my side commentary mostly under my breath about things I think are silly in the conversation, and people liked it!
It was a nice change from what I've accustomed myself to, when I'm in public. I don't know why I let myself hang around with people who didn't appreciate my presence for so long, and it's been a journey to letting myself open up faster with people, but it's going well I think.
So I was having a good time, I was a little tipsy, and there was this really funny guy, who also happened to be really cute, and we totally got along. Now, I have come to the understanding with myself that I don't really have "sexual attraction" to people, and I've also come to realize that I just really don't like kissing people. It's gotten to the point where I can't even watch kisses on tv and in movies. It makes me cringe and I get all these weird sense-memories of kisses I've had and it makes my skin crawl a bit. I don't like it, and it's absolutely and completely fine that I don't like it, because it's no one's business but my own. However, other people don't always understand this, and so sometimes I have to explain it to them -- especially if we're both drunkies and they want to kiss me (which hasn't happened very often, so it was a new situation that I feel like I handled very well).
Anyway, he was funny and friendly, and we ended up leaning on one another for balance -- well, I was leaning on him, he didn't seem to mind though, so I'm not going to freak out about it.
We met up the next night to watch a movie in my living room -- Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, if you must know. And he didn't try any funny business! It's a fucking miracle! At the party we'd discussed that I was not interested in ANY sex WHATSOEVER, and he was just like, "that's totally cool, we can hang out as friends and if anything happens, romantically, it happens. If it doesn't, then we're friends and all is well." Which is something I feel is very difficult to get from guys.
We haven't talked much since, but I've been busy and only bothered trying to text him first once, and he mentioned something about being swamped at work, so I get it. I don't feel pressured to try and keep his interest, if he wants to hang out, he can let me know. I don't really do anything anyway, and if I'm busy, I've gotten much better at saying no to things I can't actually do, or don't want to do. It's progress!
And then of course, the creeping crud that's been going around my family caught up to me, and I wasn't feeling very good last week, which was not at all helped by my sudden drop into self-pity and moroseness, but I'm apparently feeling better now. I'm definitely in need of a grand adventure, but I don't think any wizard or madman in a blue box is going to come take me on one, so I might just have to get out there and do adventuring on my own. It can't be too difficult, right?
Until Next Time, Dear Readers!
Me
Friday, September 20, 2013
I am in a RAAAAAAAGE
Okay, so in case you were unaware, I recently moved into a house full of guys. Like two months ago-recently. And so far, with about 2/3 of the male population in the house I get along fine.
There's this one though. Holy shit. I don't know what it is about him that just rubs me the fucking wrong way but it might be the fact that he deals with household issues like a fucking girl.
Let me backup a little.
This guy is the son of my landlords. Well, grandson of the landlady. Step-grandson of the landlady. Whatever, he's related to the people who own the fucking house.
He's also not paying any rent. Oh sure, he pays his portion of the utilities, that's fine, but we have 4 people in the house, why am I having to pay 1/3 of the rent? (Okay, so it's ridiculously cheap, fine, whatever, it's the principle of the matter, you have four people in a house, living there, all four of them should be paying for the fucking house.) Oh right, because he's related to the landowners.
He also has an adorable puppy. The puppy does not always stay at the house. Sometimes he does, but for the most part so far he hasn't been living here. He's been staying at the landowners' house. It's worked out well because the damn dog (like most other puppies) cries when Problem Roommate is not there. (We'll call him MM for Most Mature in a very sarcastic voice.) The puppy, because he is such a clever little puppy, can get out of the house and into the yard if some of the doors aren't shut all of the way.
The puppy isn't very well-trained yet. He's still just a baby. The yard is not fenced in. The house sits about 20 yards from a moderately busy road.
So obviously, we need to be very careful about closing doors when he's here. Okay, fine, no problem.
Except 2 problems.
1) MM does not let us know when the damn puppy is in the damn house.
2) MM blames everyone else for his puppy getting out, even if everyone else closes the fucking doors behind them.
I think you're starting to come around to the point.
Now, okay, I don't have a problem with him asserting that we need to be better about closing the doors all of the time, because it's dangerous for little puppies. We've already had one puppy casualty, we don't want another one.
But when you're first reaction to your dog getting out the first time he's been in this particular house in weeks while we haven't had to deal with him is to threaten to put locks only you can open on all of the doors, and have us work around your schedule, then I have a problem.
Especially when both of us know that I was the last one out of the house other than MM. Especially when I know I closed the damn door behind me as hard as I could because I saw the dog in the fucking hallway as I was trying to get out the door and go to fucking work. Especially when I know he's ALWAYS the last one out of the house, because the rest of us get up early and go to work or school and have very busy schedules. Especially when it very well could have been your fucking fault your dog got out and you're just too dim to notice. Especially when, even if I was the one to let him out, not only did you NOT come to me in person and talk it out, but that you sent a mass text message to all inhabitants of the house "not pointing fingers or getting angry" when very obviously you were or you wouldn't have threatened with house arrest because your dog is a clever dumbass.
I really thought I'd gotten away from drama when I moved into this house filled with guys. I was apparently mistaken.
JFC, I cannot handle this right now. I'm angry and hormonal, and I want to fucking stab a bitch, but that would be messy and I've got a lot of blood in my life right now already, let's not add to that.
He picked the wrong day to get passive aggressive at me, she typed, passive aggressively in her blog.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
There's this one though. Holy shit. I don't know what it is about him that just rubs me the fucking wrong way but it might be the fact that he deals with household issues like a fucking girl.
Let me backup a little.
This guy is the son of my landlords. Well, grandson of the landlady. Step-grandson of the landlady. Whatever, he's related to the people who own the fucking house.
He's also not paying any rent. Oh sure, he pays his portion of the utilities, that's fine, but we have 4 people in the house, why am I having to pay 1/3 of the rent? (Okay, so it's ridiculously cheap, fine, whatever, it's the principle of the matter, you have four people in a house, living there, all four of them should be paying for the fucking house.) Oh right, because he's related to the landowners.
He also has an adorable puppy. The puppy does not always stay at the house. Sometimes he does, but for the most part so far he hasn't been living here. He's been staying at the landowners' house. It's worked out well because the damn dog (like most other puppies) cries when Problem Roommate is not there. (We'll call him MM for Most Mature in a very sarcastic voice.) The puppy, because he is such a clever little puppy, can get out of the house and into the yard if some of the doors aren't shut all of the way.
The puppy isn't very well-trained yet. He's still just a baby. The yard is not fenced in. The house sits about 20 yards from a moderately busy road.
So obviously, we need to be very careful about closing doors when he's here. Okay, fine, no problem.
Except 2 problems.
1) MM does not let us know when the damn puppy is in the damn house.
2) MM blames everyone else for his puppy getting out, even if everyone else closes the fucking doors behind them.
I think you're starting to come around to the point.
Now, okay, I don't have a problem with him asserting that we need to be better about closing the doors all of the time, because it's dangerous for little puppies. We've already had one puppy casualty, we don't want another one.
But when you're first reaction to your dog getting out the first time he's been in this particular house in weeks while we haven't had to deal with him is to threaten to put locks only you can open on all of the doors, and have us work around your schedule, then I have a problem.
Especially when both of us know that I was the last one out of the house other than MM. Especially when I know I closed the damn door behind me as hard as I could because I saw the dog in the fucking hallway as I was trying to get out the door and go to fucking work. Especially when I know he's ALWAYS the last one out of the house, because the rest of us get up early and go to work or school and have very busy schedules. Especially when it very well could have been your fucking fault your dog got out and you're just too dim to notice. Especially when, even if I was the one to let him out, not only did you NOT come to me in person and talk it out, but that you sent a mass text message to all inhabitants of the house "not pointing fingers or getting angry" when very obviously you were or you wouldn't have threatened with house arrest because your dog is a clever dumbass.
I really thought I'd gotten away from drama when I moved into this house filled with guys. I was apparently mistaken.
JFC, I cannot handle this right now. I'm angry and hormonal, and I want to fucking stab a bitch, but that would be messy and I've got a lot of blood in my life right now already, let's not add to that.
He picked the wrong day to get passive aggressive at me, she typed, passive aggressively in her blog.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Friday, August 30, 2013
Absenteeism
Sorry I don't update here more often. My life hasn't exactly been very busy or exciting, so there really hasn't been much to write about, but I'm going to give you a recap of the past month or so (how long has it been since I updated?)
I had a rough summer. I struggled pretty hard with things I have struggled with for a while: self-harm being chief amongst those, as well as some fairly dark thoughts. I've gotten to a better place with them, but I'm still working with them.
I've got a secure, comfortable job with a future. And the flexibility to go back to school if I feel like it. And if I do go back to school, I'm pretty much certain I'll be going in for massage therapy. Just to get certified, because frankly, that would be a fucking awesome skill to have under my belt and be certified for.
I'm getting more comfortable with myself. It's been an intense growing process, and I've still got a long way to go, but I think the fact that I'm as comfortable with myself as I am right now, and it's only going to go up from here, is a huge plus. I'm miles ahead of so many other, older women who so severely dislike themselves, women I've looked up to my entire life, and that I am so far along in my journey of loving myself as I ought to, that it's just incredible for me.
And again, I don't like myself all THAT much. Which should tell you something about the female role models I've had in my life.
I don't know, guys...I'm struggling to figure out where I stand in the universe. I don't like not knowing, but I know so many people go decades, maybe even an entire lifetime before they know where they stand. Maybe they never find it. And I don't like that. I can't see myself doing that. I just have this overwhelming need to know where I stand in the world, what my purpose is -- my purpose, not the entire human race, no one needs to know that -- and that tends to be the one thing I focus most of my thoughts on. Especially recently, because I have managed to somehow get to a place in my life where I have no interest in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.
Let me reiterate that because it's kind of a big deal: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with any particular guy. This isn't to say I don't occasionally (often) want a romantic relationship in my life. I would LOVE that kind of comfort and security (because that's what relationships are to me, they are comfortable, loving, secure, safe, because I'm not alone anymore). However, this is the first time in my life there hasn't been a specific face attached to those feelings. Completely and totally. And this is, again, a big deal. I tend to obsess. I tend to fixate and hold on with the tightest grip I can manage to one guy. And it never gets me fucking anywhere.
And now, now I am working on being comfortable with me, and feeling safe and comfortable and secure on my own. And maybe one day I'll be able to let someone else in, in a healthy, loving, comfortable way. But I don't need it right now. I might never need it. And that, my dear friends, is perfectly okay.
Because it's now that I can figure out how to have a relationship with someone where there is no romantic connotations, no sexual feelings (which might never happen on my part towards a person anyway), just a healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex.
And okay, so I'm not looking anymore. And it might happen anyway. Do you know how many rat's asses I give about that? None! Because if it's going to happen it's going to happen! It's not up to me! But this is a time of learning and growth, of finding myself and getting to a place that is healthy for me.
I keep using the word healthy, but that's because that's what I need in my life. I need to be healthy, I need to have healthy, non-toxic relationships. I'm not. I'm not healthy. I have a very unhealthy relationship with myself, and it's slowly getting better, and it will take some time, but I think I can get there, and I think I will get there sooner, rather than later, as long as I don't have any huge setbacks. Which I really don't think I will.
*knocks on wood*
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
I had a rough summer. I struggled pretty hard with things I have struggled with for a while: self-harm being chief amongst those, as well as some fairly dark thoughts. I've gotten to a better place with them, but I'm still working with them.
I've got a secure, comfortable job with a future. And the flexibility to go back to school if I feel like it. And if I do go back to school, I'm pretty much certain I'll be going in for massage therapy. Just to get certified, because frankly, that would be a fucking awesome skill to have under my belt and be certified for.
I'm getting more comfortable with myself. It's been an intense growing process, and I've still got a long way to go, but I think the fact that I'm as comfortable with myself as I am right now, and it's only going to go up from here, is a huge plus. I'm miles ahead of so many other, older women who so severely dislike themselves, women I've looked up to my entire life, and that I am so far along in my journey of loving myself as I ought to, that it's just incredible for me.
And again, I don't like myself all THAT much. Which should tell you something about the female role models I've had in my life.
I don't know, guys...I'm struggling to figure out where I stand in the universe. I don't like not knowing, but I know so many people go decades, maybe even an entire lifetime before they know where they stand. Maybe they never find it. And I don't like that. I can't see myself doing that. I just have this overwhelming need to know where I stand in the world, what my purpose is -- my purpose, not the entire human race, no one needs to know that -- and that tends to be the one thing I focus most of my thoughts on. Especially recently, because I have managed to somehow get to a place in my life where I have no interest in a romantic relationship with any particular guy.
Let me reiterate that because it's kind of a big deal: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with any particular guy. This isn't to say I don't occasionally (often) want a romantic relationship in my life. I would LOVE that kind of comfort and security (because that's what relationships are to me, they are comfortable, loving, secure, safe, because I'm not alone anymore). However, this is the first time in my life there hasn't been a specific face attached to those feelings. Completely and totally. And this is, again, a big deal. I tend to obsess. I tend to fixate and hold on with the tightest grip I can manage to one guy. And it never gets me fucking anywhere.
And now, now I am working on being comfortable with me, and feeling safe and comfortable and secure on my own. And maybe one day I'll be able to let someone else in, in a healthy, loving, comfortable way. But I don't need it right now. I might never need it. And that, my dear friends, is perfectly okay.
Because it's now that I can figure out how to have a relationship with someone where there is no romantic connotations, no sexual feelings (which might never happen on my part towards a person anyway), just a healthy relationship with people of the opposite sex.
And okay, so I'm not looking anymore. And it might happen anyway. Do you know how many rat's asses I give about that? None! Because if it's going to happen it's going to happen! It's not up to me! But this is a time of learning and growth, of finding myself and getting to a place that is healthy for me.
I keep using the word healthy, but that's because that's what I need in my life. I need to be healthy, I need to have healthy, non-toxic relationships. I'm not. I'm not healthy. I have a very unhealthy relationship with myself, and it's slowly getting better, and it will take some time, but I think I can get there, and I think I will get there sooner, rather than later, as long as I don't have any huge setbacks. Which I really don't think I will.
*knocks on wood*
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
Friday, August 16, 2013
Whoops!
I haven't been on here a lot recently, and I apologize for that.
My life has been swallowed by tumblr. I'm not sorry for that, because it has let me open up about myself in ways I cannot here. The only reason I cannot open up here like that is because I have family who might be seeing this, and I'm still unsure as to the welcome I would receive with a lot of my opinions. And if nothing else I want to be accepted by someone. And if I have to change the way I am perceived around certain groups of people to do so, I am apparently not above that.
And Tumblr is one of the places I can be myself. Because no one there is anyone I know personally. Well okay, so I know one or two people personally, but one of them is my BFF ever, GL, and the other one...well I'm not entirely sure he ever knew who I was anyway. But my parents wouldn't understand, my sister doesn't understand, the rest of my family wouldn't understand...and that upsets me to no end.
And I dislike that I'm not like this around those people because it makes me feel duplicitous. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life when I cannot express how I really feel about a subject on a "public" forum where people I know can see my world views because most of them would be opposed to it.
I hope this makes sense, I've been drunk for a while and I"m not entirely sure I make any sense any more.
I took ten minutes to figure out how to spell duplicitous. on google. How fucking crazy is that?
I just...I just wish I were as open in the real world as I am on my private "anonymous" blog.
I have to remember that people are going to judge me whatever I do. And none of it is any of my cause. They can judge as they wish, that's their problem, not mine.
I wish I weren't as messed up as I am. I wish I didn't have as many issues as I really do. Because it would make it so much easier to ignore what people say about certain things if I wasn't directly affected by them...
I'm sorry guys, I just...I'm drunk.
Until Next Time,
Me....
My life has been swallowed by tumblr. I'm not sorry for that, because it has let me open up about myself in ways I cannot here. The only reason I cannot open up here like that is because I have family who might be seeing this, and I'm still unsure as to the welcome I would receive with a lot of my opinions. And if nothing else I want to be accepted by someone. And if I have to change the way I am perceived around certain groups of people to do so, I am apparently not above that.
And Tumblr is one of the places I can be myself. Because no one there is anyone I know personally. Well okay, so I know one or two people personally, but one of them is my BFF ever, GL, and the other one...well I'm not entirely sure he ever knew who I was anyway. But my parents wouldn't understand, my sister doesn't understand, the rest of my family wouldn't understand...and that upsets me to no end.
And I dislike that I'm not like this around those people because it makes me feel duplicitous. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my life when I cannot express how I really feel about a subject on a "public" forum where people I know can see my world views because most of them would be opposed to it.
I hope this makes sense, I've been drunk for a while and I"m not entirely sure I make any sense any more.
I took ten minutes to figure out how to spell duplicitous. on google. How fucking crazy is that?
I just...I just wish I were as open in the real world as I am on my private "anonymous" blog.
I have to remember that people are going to judge me whatever I do. And none of it is any of my cause. They can judge as they wish, that's their problem, not mine.
I wish I weren't as messed up as I am. I wish I didn't have as many issues as I really do. Because it would make it so much easier to ignore what people say about certain things if I wasn't directly affected by them...
I'm sorry guys, I just...I'm drunk.
Until Next Time,
Me....
Friday, July 19, 2013
Post-move Blog Post. (what?)
I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster. Or at least make it slow down, because it's starting to make me slightly nauseas.
I'm working on moving on with my life, though. It's slow going, but it's going and it's going in the right direction, which is all I ever asked for, really.
The project I'm working on at work is kind of stressing me out, but whatever. At least I have my A/C unit installed in my new place, and almost all of my roommates have moved in. There's still one more to go, and it's still 3x more testosterone than I'm used to dealing with, but it'll be okay. There is one other girl moving in, so at least I have an estrogen buddy.
Though frankly I think I'm really going to get on with the two main roommates I'll have, who both happen to be male. One of them is Buddhist, the other is an entity I only have very little information on. Regardless, I think it's going to be very peaceful. Or at least, less dramatic than living with other girls.
Girls are crazy.
I'm working on the whole "eating" thing while I'm there. I haven't been doing so good. I haven't gotten a chance to go to the grocery store (read: I haven't gone to the grocery store) since before I moved, so I'm kind of on the tail-end of what I had, and none of it is things I want. Also my microwave has been living in my backseat because I'm too lazy to move it in and try and find it a home on the counter.
But at least there is light in the bathroom now.
Until Next Time, Dear Readers,
Me
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